Today it's so OVER!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Today it's so OVER!!!!
22
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 7:46pm

I've been back and forth for the past 6 years with my AP.  I believe that my friend who pasted away a year ago has seen what I've been going thru and sent me a message thru a mutual friend.  I always suspected that my AP was cheating on me with this other woman at my job.  Well the saying, What is in the dark, will eventually come to light, is so true. My friend told me that our friend told her that this woman who she confided with our mutual friend told him she was having an affair with my AP and told him very intimate detail that I can confirm.  I got so played by him.  I didn't trust my gut feeling.  I would question him about her and he told me some BS.  Well now that I have all this information, what should I do?   I like to tell her she is getting played by him .  She is engaged, but she is cheating on her boyfriend with him.  I really can say too much because I'm married.  I'm so upset.  He told he loved me but all he did was use me.  I am so stupid.  I'm hating myself so much right now. The worst part is we work together and I have to deal with him everyday.  This is horrible. I deserve all of this ..Karma.  I was so lonely and sad that I was taken advantage of.... I can believe I fell for all his lines.   He did the exact same thing to this woman.... He knew I was acting differently and ask if I was ok.  I just said I was ok  because I just had to regroup to decide what I should do or say.  He called my cell 3X on the way home after work.  Of course, I did not answer him and I deleted him out of my phone.  What should I do ??? Need advice... 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 8:40pm

Welcome G-C

I'm sorry you come here feeling used and played...as did many of us...because we put ourselves in situations to be used and played.

If you are serious about ending your affair, my suggestion would be to call him/or take his next call and tell him simply "I'm ending our affair...please don't contact me...I am going to work on my marriage."  No angry words, which I sooooo know you want to say as a kneejerk reaction, but he won't care...he'll just tune you out...so save your breath.  No tears that show you even care.  No words of 'love' that again would show you even care.  And that last part about working on your marriage leaves absolutely no wiggleroom for him to carry on about this and that...he can't argue against it.  You want to walk away with grace and dignity.

Then BLOCK all avenues of communication and WALK....and come here and talk it all out.

If the Board is slow, check out our Healing Library (from front page, just scroll down...you can't miss it) and read all you can.

Hang out with us and see how people have learned and healed to go on to live the honest life with integrity

((hug))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 5:58am
Hugs honey

Follow Clarity's advice to the letter. I work with mine and have experienced similar with anither colleague - a fact I've just found out although I had my suspicions previously. Whilst not a full blown A with another colleague, he was close to her and chatting her up at the same time as pursuing me. Truth hurts but use this to propel yourself forwards and out.

These men are needy and insecure wanting ego stroking and attention from any who will give it. Its hiw they deal with their own issues. Like me and all if us here have had to do, you need to find out why you gave it to him so you can begin to heal yourself and never find yourself in this situation again.

You can do this honey. Take the first step by blocking and walking.

Much love.

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 9:15pm

Thank you all for the support.  At least I do not feel alone.  Had a really rough day.  Did not get much sleep last nite.  Then went to work and had to deal with him all day I'm his assistant so there is no getting away from him.  But couldn't control my emotions.  I was very nasty to him.  He thought I was just being grouchy.  He came into my office, I felt like crying or vomiting.  But I keep it in check.  The other woman came into my office and just talked about how they have a game that they take steal stuff from each other office.... What a day,... I decided to be quiet.  I didn't want to say anything when I was emotionally inside was out of control.  I'm trying not to have a break down.  I'm so so sad and depressed. I still can't believe I was so stupid not to listen to myself when I knew this was all going on.  I confronted him and believed all his lies because he told him he cared about me and loved me. But he told her the same thing... What type of sick person is he???  That is really sick. And I am sure there are many others.  This is so crazy...   I was vunerable and preyed on that. Wow can't believe I feel for all his BS.  Now how to end this mess. I will just ignore his calls but I have to eventually tell him it's over.  Also I feel I need to  say something to this other woman before she ruins her life with her fiance. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 9:47pm

People on this Board are committed to their ending and are here for support.  When are you going to commit to your ending?  You said eventually...what does that mean?  We want to support you but you haven't ended your affair yet. Why eventually?

I'd strongly advise against telling this other woman anything.  A messenger bearing that kind of new...well, doesn't always get shot, but can at times get beat up.  It's not really your place to now try to save others from him.  It's time to save yourself by ending this destructive relationship, getting a handle on your emotions, and coming here for support.

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 8:33am

Believe me, It's over! Another sleepless night.. Woke up this morning, just going over and over in my mind-all the lies. He played this game and he didn't care about me at all. My stomach is in knots.  The whole thing just sickens me. It just pisses me off that he walks around like he's getting over on all these women especially his wife.  I put myself in this situation and now I have to pay the price.  I have to feel worthless and used.  It's going to take time to recover from this.  I screwed up my life so bad.  Work is going to be hell. Clarity, I am 100% committed to ending this destructive relationship!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 9:26am

I wish I cpuld go NC and never see him again in my life.  I have to work with him.  I almost want to quit my job but can't because I support my household.  You are right I have to start taking care of me.  Work on myself.  Thanks for your help and support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:40am
crazy - there are many feelings involved now, and be prepared for those to morph and change over time. Please don't prolong your involvement with him by telling anyone, anything about him. Why? To 'protect' some woman you probably dislike right about now? Nope. Bad idea. It just keeps you engaged in the muck of the A.

We have all struggled. Many of us still do, daily. We manage to keep control, dignity, integrity and NC. or very rare and only necessary LC.

Join us as we move toward our goals ...

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 8:58am

After all this, I realized that he was never the person I thought he was.  I thought he was a caring, loving person. All he is a user, a master manipulator.  He's probably done this throughout his whole marriage. Well of course he told me, he never did this before. I was stupid enough to believe it.  When I heard the story of the other woman, it's exactly what he did with me. Excuse me when I vent here.  If I didnt have everyone here to talk this out, I would go crazy. I've had very bad year.  My uncle pasted away who I was taking care of.  Shortly after,  my father passed away..  My brother had surgery for cancer.  Two other family members ended up in the hospital...  I was depressed and anxiety from all that.  Then this happens with my AP. While he was with me thru all this,  consoling me and cheering me up when I was so down.  It didn't mean anything.  I didn't cry a river, I've cried an ocean of Tears.  I feel so betrayed.  I feel I'm at my lowest point ever...I guess this is my rock bottom.  I got to get my life together and start crawling out of the big dark hole. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 9:50am

Vent away, C-G!

I'm glad to hear you say that you got to get your life together and starting crawling out of the big dark hole you dug for yourself.

Initially, most of us do a lot of finger pointing and have a list a mile long of justifcations. What we learn over time is that we invited all this pain and chaos into our lives.  You see, when we behave in a manner that shows we are very capable of betraying ourselves and our loved ones, we attract people of the same ilk...and there are plenty of people out there who will exploit this weakness in us.  The bottomline is always our conduct...how *we* behave in any given situation.  And it is the ability to honest with ourselves that will begin the process of healing and recovery and the hard work to self-betterment.

We have to start protecting ourselves and those we love...those we are already committed to you.  We have to start finding better ways to deal with real life, filling any voids that drove us to an affair with healthier endeavors.

Btw, have you actually officially ended it yet?

((hugs))

Clarity 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 6:27pm

Today was living hell.  Of course, my Xap was there at work first thing.  I ignored him, did not look at him, nothing.  He avoided me during the day.  I had to speak to him on the phone because I'm his assistant.  I kept the call all about business. He asked me if I had a minute, I told him not really.  So he says to me, if I did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry.  I didn't say anything and told him Goodbye.  Couldn't hold it in, I just started crying.  First of all, you don't even know what my problem is with you.  And you are sorry.... Yea, sorry I found out about your other A.  I was so angry. He just disgust me.  I wish I didn't have to deal with him anymore.  Never see his face again.  Well I really made a big mistake getting with someone at work that I have to see every single day.  I was just sick to my stomach all day.  I'm going to end up with an ulcer.  I'm a ticking time bomb.  Ready to go off.  I'm the type of person that can hide my emotions. What did I do to myself??? Im so tortured by all this. I can eat or sleep.  Im just hating myself so bad. I just so lonely.   I've learned a hard lesson. 

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