Today it's so OVER!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Today it's so OVER!!!!
22
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 7:46pm

I've been back and forth for the past 6 years with my AP.  I believe that my friend who pasted away a year ago has seen what I've been going thru and sent me a message thru a mutual friend.  I always suspected that my AP was cheating on me with this other woman at my job.  Well the saying, What is in the dark, will eventually come to light, is so true. My friend told me that our friend told her that this woman who she confided with our mutual friend told him she was having an affair with my AP and told him very intimate detail that I can confirm.  I got so played by him.  I didn't trust my gut feeling.  I would question him about her and he told me some BS.  Well now that I have all this information, what should I do?   I like to tell her she is getting played by him .  She is engaged, but she is cheating on her boyfriend with him.  I really can say too much because I'm married.  I'm so upset.  He told he loved me but all he did was use me.  I am so stupid.  I'm hating myself so much right now. The worst part is we work together and I have to deal with him everyday.  This is horrible. I deserve all of this ..Karma.  I was so lonely and sad that I was taken advantage of.... I can believe I fell for all his lines.   He did the exact same thing to this woman.... He knew I was acting differently and ask if I was ok.  I just said I was ok  because I just had to regroup to decide what I should do or say.  He called my cell 3X on the way home after work.  Of course, I did not answer him and I deleted him out of my phone.  What should I do ??? Need advice... 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:52pm

I wouldn't wish LC on my enemy.  Affairs in the workplace, within the family or with a neighbor are the absolute pits.  Doesn't help that you are his assistant.  I'm really sorry you are in this situation.

Besides starting to update your resume and checking out the classified, I can only suggest that you might start using some some relaxation techniques to keep yourself stable and in control.  Breathing techniques, which you can do anytime (breath slowly...in and out and repeat several times to center yourself), meditating during break time, taking a walk, using some Affirmations, calling a friend. As long as you are going to have to be in this situation, you are just going to have to find ways to relax so you don't go off like a bomb or start to lose your health as a result of all the stress.

If you google relaxation techniques, several links come up.

Also, I think it's nice that he at least apologize...most don't even get that.  Whether or not you think he couldn't possibly know why or for what, at least he said it...and I hope you can accept that and start letting go of your anger...because it is your anger, imo, that is keeping you engaged and in upset mode now and getting in the way of your healing.  

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 8:57pm

These days are hell.  I've cried in my office every day.  I'm just so over emotional.  I've taken tranquilizer to calm myself down.  It's hard because of course it's his week to be in the office first in the morning.  So the minute I walk in the office I see him.  Then the other women who works in the office downstairs is there when I get to work.  She doesn't have to be in the office til 9am.  I have to be there at 8am. He has to be there at 6am.  She obviously get there super early to be with him.  It makes be sick to my stomach.  Today,  I sat in my office trying to understand how I was feeling.  I was so sad because we talked every day.  He listened to my problems, we would joke around... I feel like I lost my friend.  Like he died.  It never what I thought it was.  It was all fake.  I lost the only thing that made me happy.  My world was turned upside down.  With everything, I went thru this year.  He took to a new level of depression and sadness.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 9:35pm

I've been meaning to mention this, but you've been so upset, I've held off 'til now. You really should change your name.  You shouldn't be affirming each and every time you see it/login with it...that you are a crazy girl...it's not a good name.  You are not a crazy girl...just off kilter at this time.  And now don't being coming back as offkilter-girl either! :smileywink: It's easy to do...just a matter of starting up a new ivillage account...click on 'join' on the ivillage front page. 

I can't imagine how tough it is having to see him...with her...every day.  Try to think of it this way.  Yes, you are missing how you felt in his presence BUT he's a player.  You are miss the good old days BUT he's a player.  She has his attention for now BUT he's a player and she's experiencing her good ole days right now, but will eventually learn (and not by you) that she is being played as well...and is going to get hurt. Be grateful you are no longer playing and that you got out before you suffered a discovery day and potentially could have lost your husband, your marriage, your job. Be grateful.

Did you try some of the relaxation techiques I suggested.  You are going to have to take a proactive stance and start putting your focus on you.  Once you start doing this, I know you are going to start feeling better...simply because you are taking the bull by the horns and doing something about it.  There's a lot of introspection you should be doing.  Asking the questions we all had to ask ourselves; such as, why did I feel it was okay to step outside my marriage. Why could I not stay true to my vows?  Why did I jeopardize my marriage and family.  These are the nitty gritty questions you must get to the bottom of...because your having an affair is all on you and your weakness...and when you start sorting this all out and learning what motivates you and how you can better yourself, you'll start feeling better about not being involved with him.

There's work to do...you need to get busy on this.  I'm not saying this to be mean...I hope you know that.  

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 4:48pm
Hugs honey

Yoga has given some storming advice and insight! Really helped me too as recently found out about xAPs interest in other collesgues. They are players and it's so easy to internalize their behaviour and to feel less than and not enough. Well you are worth more and you are more than enough.

They act the way they do because of their own insecurities and voids. We cannot control their behaviour and neither can we fill their voids. The other woman at work will not be treated any differently than you have been. They are no prize sweetie.

It will help you if you can take back your control. Stay as silent as you can. Don't let him see how this hurts you. I know it feels as though you have lost your rock at work but you can find others who can honestly give you support and friendship there. It will take time tho and interacting with him daily is going to be difficult. But you CAN do this. Shut him down on any personal conversation. Go in and do your job and then go home to your family. Each week will slowly get better and you will adjust.

Will be thinking of you.

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 7:06pm

Today I realized that he is the one with the problem.  I know who I am. I would never do what he did to me.  I am a very kind caring, loving person. I never lied to him.  It isn't right that I was cheating on my H.  That is a whole different issue.  I know exactly why I got involved with him.  All the stuff lacking in my M.  But he pretended to be a totally different person.  I know who he is now.  He is a sad, pathetic person.  I haven't confront him about anything.  He kept asking me, what is the problem.  I told I have nothing to say.  I don't know if I just tell him.  Everyone in the Company knows about him and her because she told someone everything. Right now, I am silent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 8:03pm

GC

Yes he is the one who also has problems...different problems apparently.  Listen, people say things and do things and mean things and don't mean things...whatever it takes to invite someone in to collude with them in their bad behavior.  It's a fact of life.  But his problems are HIS problems now and no longer your problem.  He's on his own.

You told him you have nothing to say....good.  Now say nothing further and just go about your business in a professional manner...like you have not a care in the world about him. Show no upset, no anger, no sadness, no moping, no eye contact, no nuthin' except grace and dignity.  THAT will send a message that you are no longer interested.

If you feel you need to cut him a new one, then journal it out...to get it out of you.  He knows who he is; and if he has half a brain, he knows the score already.

That "whole other issue" is where you must turn your attention now.  Yes, you are a kind, caring person...and you need to figure out what happened to that person...what made her stray from that person...had her betraying her husband, her family, herself...without blaming others or justifying. And it's important to find out why to insure that you never go down such a destructive path again.  

So, no more focus on him.  Believe me, when we start working on our own issues, it leaves little precious time to concern ourselves with them.  

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 2:59pm
Stay silent honey as it is the best gift you can give yourself.

Seeing the reality of them and the situation stings. I know you are in pain but hopefully by seeing the reality so soon will keep you from being tempted back. My reality only can recently ten months after my second ending. I wish it had happened sooner.

Stay silent and get stronger. Turn your focus back onto you and protect yourself. You can do this sweetie and we are here with you every step of the way.

Yellow. Xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

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