Today is my last full day to cry...

Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Today is my last full day to cry...
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Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:00am
Not that I've been crying that much, but certainly I've been thinking of OM from morning to night and at times the tears have come. Some of my thinking has been productive, but most of it just hurts. Last night I was driving along feel empty as hell and I decided I have to turn things around. We're going on our family vacation in two weeks and it is a good opportunity for change. And the two weeks leading up to it I need to 'pack'. Or specifically pack away my sadness.

After today I'm going to allow myself two times a day where I will think about OM and be sad, post here and read what others have posted. After that I'm going to do my best to think about others things. Maybe the second week I will go to once a day. I absolutely need to get over this man. I don't know why I have him on such a pedestal, cause when I think of it there are so many things I didn't like that he did - he could be very hurtful, but I just can't shake the strong feelings. Anyway, thats my plan. Wish me luck!

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:13am
Best of luck Crystal! I think having a "plan" is place is a great idea..don't let yourself dwell on the past for too long. Just keep thinking of all the fun you can (and will) have on your vacation.

Hugs,

Cin

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:17am
Good luck, Crystal. I know you need to put on a happy face for your family, but I know that what worked for me was leaning into the pain as much as possible and feeling it fully. Some people would consider that wallowing, but I didn't. I think it's important to completely feel the pain and not try to push it away. I thought about him as much as I wanted to. And for a while I truly believed the pain would never subside. I believed that I would just get used to it.

I felt this way for about 10 weeks. Last week I turned a corner and I don't want to cry when I think of him anymore. I think of him, but I don't get sad. It's like something snapped in my brain and I feel a distance from it now. I no longer feel hopeless. But I think I was only able to get to that point (rather quickly) because I was very liberal in my grieving, I didn't hold back a single tear.

But I was free to express my grief. Your situation is different, I know. Good luck and enjoy your vacation if you can.

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:25am
Crystal ~ I believe setting goals for yourself is good, really good. I have a few thoughts to share with you though. Number 1. I guess I don't understand the need to ween yourself off of thinking about this guy. If you really take the time to do other things to keep your mind occupied, you will not think of him constantly. Number 2. When you do think of him, why not just tell yourself that when the inviting and/or good thoughts of time with him come, you just say "STOP IT!" The problem here is you are not allowing yourself to truly take in the reality of this man because you're stuck in denial about him. And by letting yourself deal with the real man he is, you are letting go of all the good feelings he brought to you. But you simply HAVE to see the REALITY in this. Number 3. I believe you are building up this vacation as something that will be therapudic for your healing. I honestly feel it would be better to just let the vacation happen and make up your mind to go and make the best of it. You need to set some goals to open up the dialogue between you and your DH while you are away and focus there, rather than how many times you're gonna think of the OMM. The OMM is a complete waste of your time, while spending good quality time with your family is not.

Your problem is that you know how you should perceive this OMM and you are fighting it by saying "I know what I should feel/think about the OMM, but I just can't stop feeling the way I do about him." As long as you don't think you can, you won't. This is exactly what I mean by attitude. You have to be willing to change your frame of mind and have more of a desire to do what is right for the situation rather than soothing the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. Trust me, you are not going to make any headway in helping your marriage by spending one more minute pining over this manipulative and disgusting OMM whether he lives across the street or 1000 miles away.

JMHO Sorry.

GT

Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:22pm
GT-

I'm wanting to work on my marriage, but can't even look at H right now, because I can't stop thinking of OM. It is so painful I can't believe it. It does get better when I try to think of his bad points. It really does help. Also last night while I was working out - and let me say I am beginning to have a killer body with all these work outs I'm doing - anyway, last night I tried to picture my life with H as a safe haven from pain. He's there for us. Makes sure we have a nice life. etc. The pain and 'unsafeness' (OK thats not a word I know) is outside our home - and actually right across the street!! That visualization did help. Maybe my plan needs some fine tuning, but I wan't to ask you to do me a favour when you have a chance...

You don't really know my OM, but you've heard me speak of him alot. Sum him up. What do you think of that guy from what you've heard. Maybe hearing someone else's version of reality will help me to get my blinders off and see it more clearly. Look into your crystal ball...how long is this going to keep hurting me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:33pm
JMHO, but it keeps hurting while you let it. We all have the power to make the pain stop, to tell ourselves we aren't going to dwell on this painful part of our lives and to make every attempt to move forward. Some days are better than others, but we just have to keeping trying. Hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:49pm
What a good Idea Crystal!!! Good luck!!!

karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for casey055
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:54pm
It seems like one of the girls here a couple of months ago tried that and it worked for them. I can't remember who it was but if they read this, maybe they will let you know how well it worked for them. Staying busy does help and it sounds like this family vacation is just what you need right now.

Casey

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 3:16pm
Crystal ~ At the risk of sounding like a broken record, there are a few things I want to point out to you that have to take place before you are going to stop hurting.

The working out is great and congrats on the killer body! I also work out and it is good for our overall health. You need to find some other things to occupy your time. But most importantly, you have to make up your mind that you don't WANT to be thinking about the OM all the time. I have felt for a really long time that the one thing that drives you in this affair is the need for attention. We all share that need. So my suggestion to you is to find something you can do with your time whether it is volunteering for an organization (I highly recommend this because the work is so rewarding) or taking up an old hobby you may have let go because of becoming a W and mother - but it needs to be where there is interacting with other people where you can socialize. Talking to someone about your life and listening to theirs will not allow your brain to be thinking of him. Now for a time, there will most likely be things said that will remind you of him, and you need to fight that as well. But eventually those thoughts will come and you simply won't care. Crystal, you SIMPLY HAVE TO FIND ACCEPTANCE THAT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A WASTE OF YOUR TIME, because when he wanted to leave to be with you, you ended up wanting to stay in your marriage. So please begin to listen to yourself. Trust yourself. Somewhere along the line, your self esteem has been beaten down so badly that you question all you do in relationships with men. Stop it. You have a lot of wise things to say about marriage etc. This is what having OMM does. It literally drains us from all that is good in us. They literally take it as long as we let them.

On to my thoughts about this OMM. On the surface, he may seem to be a very kind, gentle and compassionate spirit yet inside he is a little boy participating in extremely immature behavior because he is having difficulty in living a normal life with all the stresses associated in living every day life. There most probably are also issues from his childhood that affect his ability to be a man today. You know for a fact that he has lied to his wife, manipulated you and thinks nothing of it. I'll bet he has told you over and over how guilty he feels yet he goes right back and continues to do it. To live your life as a liar, you have to live a fantasy life. But to be completely real and honest is to live in reality. His biggest character trait I see is that he is a coward. Any man who is willing to step out on his W either doesn't know where to start to fix what is wrong in his marriage which counseling can help or he flat out is dead in his love for his W and thinks very little of himself for staying in a marriage out of obligation. A man who stays in a marriage for anything other than the love of his W OR to work to right what is wrong in his marriage is a coward. He thinks so little of himself that he truly feels he will end up alone if he does leave. I believe all of this applies to your married man. So whether you want to call him a snake in the grass or just the devil's advocate, the best way for you to live a normal, healthy life Crystal is to stay as far away from him as you can. I can assure you, he doesn't respect himself or his wife or he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. A person who isn't capable of really loving or respecting themselves, cannot TRULY LOVE another person.

It's in giving love that we receive it and that begins with ourselves.

Hugs and I hope this helps you.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:44pm
wow Crystal -- GT is good. She's got lots of great insight and she isn't sugar-coating things. Yes, you do need comfort and lots of hugs, but you also need a good jolt of truth and I believe you're getting a good mix on this board. You yourself said that you did a search of your old posts and it made you realize how much of a creep om could be. Yes, he has his good points too, but you know what -- in your quest to move forward, you need to BELIEVE yourself and the truth as you know it. This dude is NO good for you and you already know it -- we don't have to tell you that. Whether he is good, bad, a liar, a coward, or whatever........ why don't put all the energy and thoughts you are expending trying to analyze him into YOURSELF. GT is right -- a hobby that makes you look outside yourself will be very rewarding and help you get off this om path of destruction. Thoughts of him are just wasting your life. You've got so much to live for --- why burn all this energy on him anymore. You know in your heart of hearts that he AIN'T NO GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Now is the time to take that plunge forward into starting your new life -- your OWN life free of om, free of the stress and worry about why he is like he is, or why he does what he does. With some acceptance will come peace Crystal. And you yourself said that maybe your H isn't the guy for you, but maybe he is and you're just not giving him a chance because he can't make you feel the way om does (which half the time is like crap.) You will never know if you and H have a chance as long as he is living in the shadow of om. Your thoughts are getting to a better place I see. You are formulating a plan, breaking this awful cycle. You know, one day you are going to look at om differently and you just won't care. You will get to the point where you thank GOD he's HER problem and not yours. It really gets to that point when you look at someone and say to yourself "what WAS I thinking." Crystal, keep up the good work and the workouts and the positive thoughts. Take baby steps if you have to as long as you go forward. Staying frozen or in a state of confusion is just an excuse not to take action. I see you are serious now. You are going to feel so much better if you stick with your plan. BABY STEPS Crystal. You can do this.....Alwayzzzzz
Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 9:57am
Thanks for your thoughts GT.

I think I will revise my plan somewhat. The thoughts I need to push away are the ones that romantacize OM. When I have those 'Wasn't he perfect'thoughts I'm going to push then away and either think 'Stop it', 'Get Real', or else just change the subject in my mind. I do want to move on mentally as well as physically and its starting. The last two mornings I woke up and briefly thought of something then my mind went to OM. I immediately tried to go back to the initial thought - saying to myself...'see he doesn't need to be first'. Its coming...

Its also slowly coming with H. Slllooooowwwwwllllyyyy.... But I'm trying to sneak in a little more conversation...a little more time together...it will add up in time. I'm going to try to do a few more things with just him. Our schedule is busy, but I'll make time to do this. It is a priority. He really likes me to make dinner, so I'm going to try to make a nice dinner much more often than I used to - I know this will make him happy.

GT - I do do many things for myself and have a lot of good relationships. TIme is really the factor. I'm here with the kids a lot and I don't want to spend much more time away. I work half time and its a great job - good people etc. I believe what I need to do is focus on home/family. Build the environment to a climate of nurturing/fulfilling/loving for us all. Not that its not sort of there, but we should all walk in the door and feel warmth...we're home. So, scary as it sounds I need to become a little more of a Suzie Homemaker - 2000'2 style. Believe me, frumpy isn't in my vocabulary, so this will all be Crystal style - or Crystalized!!

Today has started off good. I do feel a little taste of normal again. You're right I'm making some progress...

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