Today is a REALLY bad day!
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Today is a REALLY bad day!
| Fri, 05-07-2010 - 5:27am |
I have been in NC since 1:00 p.m. yesterday. I know that sounds like no big deal- but to me..OMG...My fingers are literally twitching to just send one little text. I won't. I'm determined I won't, but the urge is so strong

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Feelin,
Im sorry that I am slow to chime in here and welcome you but I saw that you posted again and I wanted to offer my support.
The A fog rolls in and does so many things to us. It makes us focus ONLY on XAP, we ignore our own H's, children, family and jobs. There is no 20/20 eyesight in the A fog, only tunnel vision focused on EVERYTHING Xap. As it rolls in it also makes us question who we are, what we have become and what we have allowed to happen. Rest assured Feelin, you are still that person, she just got burried beneath all the wreckage.
It will take time to adjust to this new reality for you and you need to be patient with yourself! The A took time to start, it will take time to end, just make sure it does end. You are going through withdrawl right now and you wanting that "beautiful" text from Xap is just you going through withdrawl. Trust me honey, I have drivin by the A crack house myself numerous times wanting a fix but I refuse to go in. I refuse to lower myself to that ever again. XMM took so much from me only because I so willingly gave it.
Stay here on EAS and you will grow, just give it time.
Hugs to you,
GMLB
Feelin,
I am so sorry for the horrible way you are feeling right now. I've BTDT. We all have on this EAS board. I wish there was some magic trick I could share with you that would eliminate all the pain and hurt and shame and guilt you are
FL,
Hugs to you, honey. One day is almost under your belt. The first week is the toughest due to the addictive qualities of how we communicated. Try to put those itchy fingers to better use by texting friends and family, or just put your phone away for an hour at a time so you get used to not carrying it around.
Post in on your progress so we can high five you. Every day that passes is one more feather in your cap, plus it starts to alleviate that anxiousness you will be feeling. You know you are doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Go to the Healing Library and read the tips on how to stay NC and for getting ideas
~Iddy~
Hi Feelin'
The first few days are definitely rough, but they do pass. No matter how bad we feel, time keeps marching on. And with time, comes clarity. That consuming A fog will start to roll out and you will get a better view of yourself and the situation. For now, read here, post here and bunker down to weather the storm. Set small goals for yourself and make sure to celebrate small victories everyday. Give yourself some credit and stop beating yourself up. You will get through this- I promise. You have had enough. The A has to end, so now you go into detox. It will pass. You will live. You will come out the other side a more complete person. And we will help you.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Feelin,
I was definelty addicted to texting him. I know the itch you get when you are about to lose it and give in..... and you think "what's one more text going to hurt?" I was the queen of breaking NC by texting.
Please honey, DON'T! One more text leads to another and another and pretty soon you wind up feeling pathetic and ashamed. Don't think about tommorrow or the next day or the next- just focus on this hour, this minute, this second.
When you feel that urge coming, first, STOP. Acknowledge it. Don't try to force it away, that will only make it worse. Instead, take a deep breathe. Be ok with yourself, allow yourself to have that feeling. But, realize that just because you feel that feeling, just because you have the urge to reach out and contact him, it DOES NOT mean that you have to. And it does not mean you have failed. Give it some time, keep yourself busy, and trust me- the urge will pass and you will be so glad you didn't give in to it. Don't let your emotions run this thing- use your very intelligent mind to talk yourself down from the ledge.
Post here, let me know how i can help.
Love,
Hazel
Thank you hazel. I am ashamed beyond belief to admit I caved last night. I went all day without responding to his texts, then at 9:30 last night he texted me to tell me he was still stuck at work and how horrible his day was. I fealt so sorry for him that I textd back some encouraging words, which in turn led him to ask about my day ( which RARELY!!! happens...it's ALWAYS about HIM!!)
I too had a bad day, and he "seemed" concerned, but as always, once he knew I was available to talk with him, I don't hear back from him no matter how miserable he knew MY day had been. Now I am feeling twice as bad for giving in- back to square one! BUT I have to admit, I am kind of glad I DID give in because a light went off- due mainly to so much reading on here- that I am really starting to see him for the selfish pig that he is!!
Now if I could just get past those thoughts that tell me when he texts me he is reaching out to me because he needs ME...and not just feeding his ego....
Thanks for listening. I love you guys!
HI Fl
I remember those days. I had them many times before. This is my second real try
FL,
Hey girl. I'm sorry to hear you caved, but you are not alone! I know exactly how you feel right now. You are not only probably mad at yourself, but you feel even more pathetic, desperate, and used because you thought that THIS time would be different, and then you realized it wasn't, and now you have to start over.
I started over many times, and each time, let me tell, was harder and worse than the last. Every time I broke NC, I felt worse about myself. I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into a dark hole and it has been HELL getting out.
So, please, learn from this lesson. You gave in, and it only made you feel worse. NC=No New hurts. Now I will tell you what all the ladies here kept telling me- it's time to get up, dust yourself off, and get back on the NC wagon. You can do this!!!!
Thinking of you,
Hazel
Hi, FL,
I've been thinking about you, but didn't have the time to log in till now. I'm sorry to hear you gave in, but stop punishing yourself right now. Good for you that you came here to post, that's a good start. Now you have to work on that NC thing. Can't you block him from your cell? Or perhaps tell him that you need some space right now to sort things out, which is very true, and ask him to please stop texting?
It doesn't matter if he needs you or not. It's inappropriate for him to reach out to you. Apart from how badly he treats you, you are married and you can't be his shoulder to cry on, it's not your job. He has to look somewhere else for support. I'm sure he has a buddy or two who can listen, though not as attentively as you.
It's not getting better with him, FL, it's only getting worse. There's nothing you can do to make him care more, or even less for that matter, it's just not in your power. What is in your power, however, is to walk away. Be the one that says goodbye, can you imagine how much worse you will feel if he is the one that says it?
Now that I'm through with the bad news, here come the good ones: you can make it! You can come out of this mess and feel strong and empowered. You have this little seed in you that says you deserve something better than this. I know this because you are here. If you thought you didn't deserve any better you wouldn't ask for help. But this seed hasn't got much water lately, I suspect, so it remains small and you barely can hear its voice. Try to reconnect with your inner self, dayly. That is the water the seed needs to grow and speak louder.
You can make it, FL, but you need space to do it. Get yourself some space. Go strictly NC. I know it hurts at first, but you'll feel so much better later on! And the sooner you start the journey to recovery, the sooner you get to your destination.
Be well,
Prudence
Gret post, Prudence. I can already tell you are going to be a great addition to this board. How are you doing today?
((Hugs))
~Iddy~
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