TODAY WAS A VERY HARD DAY
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| Mon, 04-19-2010 - 9:35pm |
Today was a very hard day to get through. I had rented apartments for xap and one of the clients children got very sick with lead poisoning. She got admitted to the hospital and the health department stated that she could not go back to the apartment. Another staff person had to contact xap and that bothered me so much. I am so used to running to his aid to help him out and guide him in the right direction. My heart was pounding just knowing someone else was talking to him!! Ireally had to fight myself from going on his FB but I stayed strong and did'nt do it. I am feeling so weak. I am trying so hard but it's only been 8 days. I dont want to torment myself. I ran tonight and every truck I seen I would think it was him. I just really want to feel better. I have been getting on here every day to help me and it does but it doesnt stop the missing him or wondering if he misses me at all. Thanks for letting me vent.

You're okay, Mab.
You are still trying to integrate yourself into your xap's life not because he needs you, but because you are trying to feed your addiction and your ego. Your xap is a big boy and I guarantee you that he can handle his business all by himself or with his W. You need for him to need you, but he has a RL and a real family to help him. He is not as helpless as you think and it really isn't about him being helpless but you needing to felt needed by him KWIM. This will pass I promise you. I had that sick desperate feeling too about my xap needing me but I had to realize in reality the true need was within myself. My xap did just fine without me being a third wheel in his M and so will your xap. Keep running and taking care of yourself and stop making him a priority and make yourself your priority. I know its hard but it can be done.
I don't know if you can remove yourself from his rental apartment affairs or not but I would strongly suggest that you do that. Are you even getting paid for your services or is this something you are doing to show your xap how much he needs you?
Mab-
You are a newbie to this NC thing and you will have difficult days. Allow yourself the opportunity to feel and then try your best to move on. Do something for yourself... running is excellent. I know that the road seems long now. I know you think that it will always be this hard, but it won't. You have to take it day by day right now (Heck, sometimes even moment by moment).
Start making decisions to protect yourself. I am sorry I am not familiar with your story, but if you haven't blocked him from all modes of communication,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
MAB,
Everyone has said all that needs saying. I just want to stress that you stay off that facebook page. If you think you are hurting now, it will be way worse if you touch that hot stove. Hang in there, stay here. We have all BTDT. Know that we know how you feel and are telling you the real only way to stop feeling the way you do.
Block him....If you do not you will regret it. Take care and focus on you,
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
You are so right there is nothing more anyone can say about this destructive A. I have not nor will I allow myself to hurt more by going on xap FB. I dont have to block him because he never accepted me as a friend because he said I would be nosey, but I could still see his wall and what he writes.
You post here whenever you need to...do not wait 30 days. And know that when we are helping you, we are helping ourselves. No one is keeping tabs on what to offer. Come here whenever you need to. Just post away....do not think that you can do this on your own, please stay here and keep me company... :)
Hope to see ya around...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida