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To:Here 2 Help
| Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:24am |
Thanks for your replies to my posts. At first I was getting divorced to be with OM, but as I am getting more into the divorce process, I realize that I am doing it for me and I am very excited about the new life that I will live. My marriage has been dead for a long time and I realize that I am doing this for myself, whether I end up with OM or not. I have gotten a nice house with a swimming pool, a deck, and a bar. I told OM all about it yesterday. He seemed thrilled and then the first thing he wanted to know was if my divorce was final yet, I told him, no, not yet. I asked him if he had any plans to marry soon and he said, no, that he had not found the right one, even though he has a girlfriend of a year now. I have been telling him for a year that I would get divorced, but I am just now doing it. I thought that he really believed me this time, But when i asked him to let me drive his new car and he said, "well you are still a married woman", I said, "not for long" and he said, "yeah right". I thought to myself, well, he still doesn't believe me. I have found a house and I am moving out. I have told everyone that I am divorcing. What more does he need? I really just wanted him to tell me that we still had a chance and that he would ask me out after the divorce, but all he would say was, "I don't know. We'll talk after your divorce is final. I'm seeing someone right now anyway." He seemed so excited when I first called him and then when he found out my divorce wasn't final yet, his whole deameanor changed. It was like he put up a wall very quickly, so as not to show any feelings. I don't know if he was just stringing me along or if he truly cares and doesn't want to let his feelings show right now. I do know that My OM only dates one woman at a time. I know that he is not looking to have me on the side. If that were the case, he could have been doing that while I was married. He has me very confused. What do you think?

No need to thank me for responding to you hun, I only want to try to help. Do you have e-mail? At work or home? I was going to see if you want me to e-mail you, that way I can get alot more in depth with this. Not that the board isnt good enough, I love this place, but some things may have to get personal, and its hard to do that on the board. Just let me know. If you prefer I respond here then let me know that too and I will be more than happy to do so.
Hugs and Love,
H2H
It is really hard to tell what he may be thinking or planning at this point as to where he wants to go in a relationship with you. Let me ask you a few questions about the divorce, so I can better respond to your post. I promise I am not putting you off, I just want to be full aware of the situation at hand so that I can give you my full honest response to your dillema. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Your situation is SO MUCH like my own was for a long time.
1. Have you moved away from your husband yet, and does your husband know that you are leaving?
2. Have you actually filed for divorce yet?
3. How long were you in an A with OM before it ended?
4. What was the relationship like with OM when you were with him? Not how you feel about him, but what kind of relationship did you share?
Just last night my exOM e-mailed me, in a long letter about how he has felt about me. It came out of nowhere because I am in the midst of NC with him. He contacted me last night like I said through e-mail and I have not responded to him. He told me that he fell in love with me and that under the circumstances (me being married) that he could not handle how it made him feel. He said that it hurt him to love someone so much that he "thought" he would never have. He said that I had told him for a long time that I was getting divorced, but it never seemed to happen. He didnt want me getting divorced for him, but for me. He didnt want to ever feel like he broke up a family. (I have a daughter) He did NOT believe that I was actually getting divorced when I called and told him I was, because he had heard it for so long. Now he says he still loves me and that I have a place in his heart, but that when he thought I wasnt ever going to get divorced, he moved on. Now they are engaged to be married and I am not sure at this point where that will go. This is just the short version of how things are happening, and what all has happened in the past. This is just a little insight to show you just how much the two situations are alike!
Post back to me about the questions please. I have to go to a few places but will be back in a couple of hours. I promise one way or another I will help you get through this. I know that you love him. I KNOW how you feel. You are not alone. All of the changes in your life are very scary, I just went through it, but if it is what truly makes you happy then in the end, it is nothing like we thought it would be. Hang in there!!!
Hugs and Love,
H2H
SOOO sorry that it has took me until now to get back online and able to post. It has been hectic around here for days. Everyone is sick and there have been Doctor appointments one right after the other and any and everything coming up in between times. I re-read all of our posts from today so that I could have it all fresh in mind when responding.
First, I want you to take a minute to realize that the A has been over for at least 4 years. That is 4 years of you not doing a single thing to show him that your relationship with your H was bad enough to leave. I am not saying that you should have ever or should ever from this point leave your M for your exOM, I am just saying that the longer you stayed, the more it was probably obvious to OM that your M wasnt all that bad. Now, I am not one to judge just how bad the marriage was because in all honesty, I was in an abusive marriage for ten years before I found the courage to leave and get divorced, so it WAS all that bad. But my OM never believed it was bad because I always stayed.
I am positive that you still have a place in your OM's heart. I know this because it is only HUMAN that when we get emotionally involved, and attached to someone, we never forget them. We never forget how much they once meant to us, or how much they may still mean to us. Even the worst of people who come off cold sometimes have a soft spot. Hard to believe, but it is the truth.
Something I want to point out and I do not mean this harsh or cold, I just want you to see things outside of your feelings that are clouding you, is that in four years, your OM hasnt wanted to be involved with you. Is the MAIN reason that you are married? It probably was in the beginning, but I am not so sure that would be the reason now. He has probably moved on to a great degree. Put yourself in his shoes... and to help you do that, read some of the posts on here that OW have wrote about their MM. They are in the same place now that your OM was once in. After that long period of time, feelings die down. I am not saying that he ever stopped loving you, because that too isnt humanly possible. Once you have loved someone, you always love them, just sometimes the feelings arent as strong as time passes, and the desire to want and need to be with that person is nothing that it once was. He has probably always loved you, but he has also probably came to terms with the fact that after being in the A, and 4 years passing since, that he will probably never have you.
Now you are saying that you are moving on with your life, getting divorced and moving into a new place. All of that is wonderful if it is what makes YOU happy, but at the same time, you have NOT actually done it yet. I have known women who have been set to leave their husbands and within 24 hours of when they were suppose to leave, they reconciled out of fear of lonliness and fear of stability. It is very easy to go back to what is comfortable. I am sure your OM believes that this will happen in your case. The way I see him feeling is that in order for him to believe that you mean what you say, you will have to SHOW him. Do not be surprised however if it doesnt make much difference in the way he feels right now. If you move out this week and lets say divorced in 3 months for example, your OM may have already moved on emotionally and wont want the kind of relationship you are looking to have with him.
It all comes down to a 50/50 chance. He isnt looking to marry the woman he is with, and he respects her and himself if he isnt willing to get involved in the A again, so he seems to be a great guy. We all make mistakes, and he has been very good about not making that mistake again. So have you. But the whole thing in a nutshell is that you have a half and half chance at having something with him once you are divorced. I do not see that he is going to make ANY moves until he SEES for himself that you actually did what you have told him you were going to do. And even then, it may have been so long now that he still loves you, but it may not be enough for him to get back into a relationship with you.
My advice to you is that you keep moving in the right direction. Do not get your feet wet if you dont plan on swimming, :) And dont tell him anything else, he doesnt want to hear it, he wants to see it. So you just keep being positive and do all of this for YOU first! You are the number ONE right now, and if after the divorce when the dust settles, he is there for you, then WONDERFUL, but if not... always remember that nothing he can do to hurt you will outweigh the happiness that you have gotten from finding yourself again, and finding your freedom.
Best wishes to you... All my hugs, love and support!!!
H2H