Told DH and more confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Told DH and more confused
5
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 12:11pm

For those following my story (and thanks for that), I told DH about EA yesterday and I don't think he understood the complexity of it. Maybe I didn't tell him the right stuff. The brief conversation went like this: I told him that I am concerned about our marriage. That I love him and care for him and that he is a wonderful person who I depend on and appreciate everything he does for me. But I feel like the emotional side of our relationship is missing. I know I love him in my head, but that the connection to my gut and to my heart is missing. That I need to be challenged intellectually and emotionally and that is lacking in our marriage and that is why OM and I have become such close friends. I am drawn to people who bring out the emotional side in me and I don't want and shouldn't be drawn to them and that I want HIM, my DH, to be the one who fullfills that need. I told him I am telling him this because I don't want to feel tempted by another man, I don't want to feel like I should have to go to the other man with problems in lieu of him.

My DH's response - well first, he said that I had built this "Talk" up to be such a big deal, and that he wasn't terribly surprised that this is something we need to work on in our marriage. He has no dispute to going to counseling. He is accepting of the fact that he might have to change, but if that is the only thing that can move this marriage forward, then he is commited to trying. He was super understanding and very non-emotional, non talkative. He didn't challenge what I said, nor did he probe with more questions. He asked if he should be worried about my friendship with OM, but that is where he stopped. He said, maybe you have this connection to OM now, but do you really think it will last forever? dont you think with time intensity of any relationship dies? This was his way of saying that it's OK that we are not inense because with time intensity always disapears. That even though I feel intensity to OM now, that it will be gone eventually....and he can deal with that.

So I should be happy, right? This exemplifies the crux of my problem. Even using the word EA didn't cause him to overtly react. I get no reaction other than support. Which many people would be envious of but it just makes me angry and more emotional. He doesn't see why I shouldn't be close to other people and talk to them about deep stuff. and I tried so hard to explain that it doesn't stop there for me...that I shouldn't be emotionally attached to someone else. He agreed but I don't think he realizes how serious a problem this is....that my closeness with OM, leads to feelings that I dont want to share with anyone but him. I said these words exactly.

Why don't I feel like I am on the path to recovery? Why don't I feel a sense of closure on the EA? I almost feel like shouting "wake up, I have a serious problem. I need help. got...." His willingness to help me should be comforting but it is hurting me...does this make any sense to anyone???




Edited 4/14/2005 1:52 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 6:12pm

ST

Your husband is right about how relationships work, the fact that almost all A die agrees with him, your right most women would be pleased to have him, so watch your back he sounds like a real catch.

What is it that you want or need from your husband, do you feel insecure or unwanted because he does not throw a jealous fit over this ?

You may get your wish in time, your husband may stew over the converstion in is mind and go off somewere down the road and disect XOM if he thinks things have gone farther then you have told him.

I don't think any of this has to do with failings in your husband.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 6:51am

SP~

I can completely empathize with your story, and felt compelled to reply. (I've been lurking for the past couple of weeks, in the process of coming to the realization that I need to end my EMA). A couple of weeks ago, my DH and I had a similar conversation and his reaction was also nearly the same. He has agreed to go to MT -- so we're going to do that. At this point, I have decided to refrain from telling him of the PA...deciding to let the process carry itself in MT. At this point, I just don't think we can have a productive conversation about all of this without an impartial third party. I really have no words of advice ...only wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

My story: My MM and I were high school sweethearts and reconnected 5 years ago, prior to our tenth reunion. I think at the time, we both realized that there remained strong feelings, and mutually decided to keep our contact email-based (which was easy to do since we live 100 miles from one another). Over the years, we continued our contact and shared life's ups and downs with one another, remaining supportive, as friends. Last October, we decided to meet up for lunch since it had been so long since we'd seen one another. In retrospect, the connection was again undeniable. We decided it was better to talk openly about it (with what we naively thought was a way to work through it). A month later, I had to travel to his city for work and we ended up spending the better part of two days together, not holding back our emotions or anything else. He is currently married, but sleeps in a seperate bedroom from his W -- reports to stay, like so many, for his children. I too have two young children -- so, we decide to savor what we have for the time being; however, since then, I have found myself exhausted, trying to maintain this dual life.

So...after some time in individual T, and after disclosing this to a very good friend (as well as reading posts here), I have come to the realization that I need to try to work on my M, not jump into a relationship based on deceit or continue this dual life. My OM is understanding -- we're trying to go back to friendship (however, seeing posts here makes me realize that may not be possible). I'm not ready to let go just yet, however, I question whether my marriage will work too. For now, I have decided I can't begin to make a diligent try to work things out in my M, if I maintain a relationship with my MM. Only time will tell ....

Take care...and good luck to you. You are welcome to email me...
~Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:14am
I am in the same situation. I have told my husband as much as I possibly can without admitting to a PA. I want to fix the problems between us. We have been married for over 20 years and most of that time we have been best friends but I find he is not interested in "deep" conversation. He says he is just not like that and is not comfortable with the same level that I seem to need. He has never been jealous and has given me freedom when I need it, been proud of my accomplishments but is happy to spend time just watching TV. I am now the primary breakwinner and he is home with the kids (who are teenagers). He also has physical problems right now so the physical side of our relationship has been suffering for the past few years and I feel so stuck. As I let go of xmm I realize that I have a place in my life that I need filled and I want so much for it to be my H. He has started seeing a dr to take care of the physical but I feel so guilty for wanting more. We tried T before but it got us nowhere. Why can't I just be happy with what I have?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:03pm

Thanks ladies for your candid responses. I agree with Free that it is not my H with the problem. I admit it is ME. If I had no problems, I would not have let it happen. I am in T to help figure that out but am far away from reaching a comfort zone. And am on meds to try to control my anxiety and depression. (problems that had existed way before the EA, and even before the marriage)

The big difference between myself and serenity and jstmekc is that my marriage is fairly new. 2.5 years and that concerns me. My H is the perfect man. But I can't be satisfied. Deep down I don't know if I ever will feel satisfied. I agree with my H and with what Free said that A usually don't work out and to be honest, I don't think I would have a happy relationship with OM. It would be unhealthy since we are both typically depressed people and would probably shut ourselves off from the rest of the world. My H is the most logical choice for me - we balance each other out, same culture, same religion, family that leaves in same town, common group of friends that we have had for years, same financial and familial aspirations.....That still doesn't stop me from stressing and getting anxious about the situation. I know I AM the problem. Even if there are faults in the marriage, they are there because I demand so much and my emotions always fluctuate. I constantly feel like crying and I am not sure what it is:
1. the infatuation with OM
2. the guilt from the EA
3. the mixed feelings of how to keep NC when we work together and my desire to keep him in my life as a friend (I have very few other good friends in town and 2 of my closest are moving at the end of the month)
4. Missing OM
5. figuring out what I need from my H that I think he doesn't provide
6. The anger that my H was so nonchallant in his response when I told him how I felt
7. The fact that my H's comfort throughout the weekend (hugging me, telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants to make this work) has made me more anxious instead of calm.

I am messed up...i know..but how to proceed?




Edited 4/14/2005 1:54 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 8:37pm

SP~

You are proceeding ... it's a process (as I too have to remind myself everyday). It's hard to say what the answers are ... remember that the important thing is that we've all begun to ask the questions....hang in there. I'm also a firm believer in that there are many sides to a situation ... there's your version, your DH's, your OM's ... and somewhere, the truth. While I too have learned that I need to take a closer look at myself and not completely blame my DH for my having strayed .... the fact is that there are problems that need to be addressed in our M(on both of our accounts).

~Serenity