Told my husband

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Told my husband
9
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:19pm

I confessed to my husband about my relationship with the exMM. I had to do this, was tired of lying to H...could not look at him, felt awful. I was/am ready for the consequences.

I did not do this with an intention of being with exMM- he has been out of the picture for a long time. I notified the exMM through a phone call (left a message on his cell) and e-mail message about my confession to H. Of course, I will do whatever necessary to protect exMM's privacy. I know for a certain my husband have the exMM's phone number...grew concerned he would contact exMM, to ask questions or whatever. Out of respect (little that I have for him) wanted him to be aware just in case if my H ever calls, no surprises.

In retrospect I am glad I told my H; currently he is demanding divorce. I do not blame him. There were many problems in the marriage prior to the affair; the affair was the symptom.

I do not understand how people can proceed, continue to remain married with partners who are unaware of past indiscretion. I wanted to start on a clean slate whether my husband remains with me or not.

I am nothing like the exMM- he is a weak man with an inflated ego, too prideful to such extent that it renders him into a small person. He can NEVER be the bigger person. I can assure you if I "continued" to be honey sweet according to his terms...he (exMM) would "be there" for me. BS, the man was never my friend, never loved me even though he said it numerous times in the past. I have very little respect for him...and BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I told my husband to prove to myself that I am NOTHING like the exMM, that I am above him. I needed, wanted to purge the dirt I felt (lying to my H, a participant in lies/deceits) and after seeing the exMM for what he really is, I was even MORE eager to "clean" myself. Also, importantly, I wanted to give my husband a fair shake...to allow him to make the decision if he wants to remain married (work with me in communicating better) or not.

People, I get very angry but sad at times when I read other postings explaining that the two affair partners love each other tremendously and "are perfect for one another." I do not believe that is possible if two people are not committed to each other (talking VISIBLY in which family/friends/colleagues) ...all a smokescreen. ExMM used to tell me everyday how much he loved me, yada yada everyday for four months...when he did not get what he wanted, bolted very quickly..."all of a sudden" no longer loved me. This man knew my b-day, the time I was born, etc....flashforward a year later, he doesn't remember the day of my birthday. And he loved me? Yeah, right.

There is very little love in affairs, not real...believe me, I thought I was so madly in love with the exMM, thought he would ALWAYS be there for me, my soul mate. How wrong I was. The only people who proved their loyalty to me were/are my family, friends and even my husband (just got off the phone with him- he was yelling at me). I told my sister and couple of my closest friends and BAM! they were "there" to listen to me, offering their support. My husband is internally angry- thought he would get violent but didn't...kind of "understood" where I was coming from, acknowledged our marriage was slowly sinking in a quick sand. The affair was merely a symptom.

I notifed my exMM...of course, he did not call or e-mail back. Oh well- already I had a head start by removing him from my life months ago. Yes, I treated him horrifically because he was a representation of "wrong and more wrong," simply bad news. In reality, exMM is not a malicious man or even a scumbag BUT he is a very selfish, self-centered "little man" bent on protecting himself at the expense of others...all him, bottom-line. I do wish him happiness (believe it or not!) but at the end of the day, I want nothing to do with him because we "crossed" the line...he was my co-conspirator in creating lies, practicing deceits to fulfill our selfishness and weaknesses (by not ending the marriages FIRST before jumping into a relationship with someone in which the "odds" are not stacked up against us). With him, I was reduced to participating in ACTS that I am fully against, do not believe in- was ashamed of myself for months. Because of this I treated exMM poorly (due to feeling shame)...he in turn was not kind to me. This is what affairs do...first we were like the bestest of friends...later, became mortal enemies. Do not get me wrong- we are not going to hurt one another, etc..- just that we simply cannot be friends, have no contact with one another. We are "bad news" to one another. He is like...imagine having a friend who robbed a bank with you...and assuming you rehabilitated, went straight...are you going to have warm regards for your former bank robber/partner? I don't think so. Our relationship was built and based on a foundation of deception, betrayal...once pressure struck, the "building/relationship" fell apart as quickly as it was built.

I have received loyalty from the following: my family, friends and even my husband (after I told him of the affair). I am talking VISIBLE SUPPORT.

From my exMM: no loyalty, no friendship, nada, nada. Please understand I cannot expect this from him. Why? Because of the set-up of our relationship, completely impossible.

Precisely explains why I am adamantly against people having affairs, willing to be in a relationship with someone who is not committed to him or her, willing to ACCEPT LESS. . Having someone tell you he/she is committed to you in heart (which affairs are all about) is all bullsh--. I advocate having a REAL relationship with an individual who is committed to you in heart and in physical presence that is acceptable, can be "positively" acknowledged.

In the future I want my relationship with either my husband or with another male to be based upon honesty, respect and of course, REAL, GENUINE LOVE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 9:40pm

Been

What you did in telling your husband required a lot of real courage and honor, I hope that once your husband has had time to proccess his raw emotions that he will see these qualities as a basis to try and rebuild your marriage.

Best of luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to:
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 10:22pm
Congratulation on your decision to tell your H. I am sure it was difficult to do but hopefully will provide you some real dividends in the future. If you sincerely want to reconcile with H then I would encourage you to be completely honest and answer any questions he asks, no matter how painful it may be. I might add that in my opinion your husband should be your #1 priority for now. You owe the OM nothing and should feel no guilt for him. Your H will go throuogh several stages of hurt, anger, etc. and you will have to bear the brunt of his emotions. If you can get through that, then you will be able to actually work on problems within the marriage. Wishing you the best in your recovery.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
In reply to:
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 6:00am

You know I always wondered why someone would tell the spouse. I assumed it would be hurtful and pointless. But I am beginning to see the value in clearing the air, and making it clear there are problems in the marriage that need to be addressed.


I suspect that is partly why some people seem to want to get caught.


Anyway KUDO's to you. That took a lot of courage. And I am thankful that you posted this for everyone. I do hope you will continue to share your progress as I think it will be helpful to many of us traveling the same road.


*hugs*


Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to:
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 7:48am

Dear Beenthere,

First of all I want to let you know how much I admire you. With that said, remember when you wrote this back in Oct.? I went back and checked because I thought it was you, just needed to verify.

<<>>

I knew then that you were struggling with your demons. I also saw a woman so torn that her anger was eating her alive. I have to say that your coming clean to your H was a very courageous act, and exposing the truth IS the only road to take if a person has any respect for themself and those they care about. Handing your H the option to decide if he wants to stay in this marriage shows great stength in your character, and you will find over time that your anger will dissapate, because truth be known, it was fueled by your very own unacknowledged "self-loathing."

I can totally relate to how these affairs consume us. For months I was very angry, at first mostly directed at him, but eventually I came to understand that it was my own guilt festering inside. No one put a gun to my head and made me bed MM. It was my own personal choice, and a very destructive one at that, by at the time I had truly believed it was something I needed. I was so lonely after years of being a single-parent, and not having any intimacy in my life for a VERY LONG TIME. Anyway, that is how I justified my behavior. But like you, my conscious was always at battle with KNOWING this wasn't the right road to travel, and I began praying really hard for direction.

I see in you a woman who took a detour, got lost, and then asked for directions. Just asking was the first step in finding your way back. It's better known as "soul-searching" and for all of you desparetly struggling to find you way out of the muck, realise that you made a wrong turn in life; realise that you can either backtrack to where you once were,(ignoring the reasons why you strayed, or got involved with a MM/OM), or you can search deep inside of yourself to find a new path to follow. Honesty, self respect, and forgiveness will guide you out the darkness.

(((((Beenthere2004)))))) I wish you peace and love,

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to:
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 12:18pm

Beenthere,

I just wanted you to know that you have made a very courageous decision but what I believe was the right one to make and you made it for the right reasons. I wish you strength and peace in getting thru this difficult period. Please remember that patience is a key (right FREE??).

I am reading a book right now "The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis, I am only at the beginning of the book but it is very good so far. I also have read a book called "After the Affair", by Janis Abrahms Spring, Michael Spring in which they give the perspectives of the BS as well as the AS. My H has refused to read either book, but i think I still need to no matter the outcome. Check them out you might find some helpful information in them.

Thank you for sharing with us, I read your post and it just hit the heart of what I am feeling now. Good luck and keep us posted.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to:
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 5:27pm

Beenthere,

Thank you so much for your post. You are telling my story in so many ways, and I agree with you 1000%. I told my H about the A 2 1/2 months ago. During this time, we separated, and I am hoping we can eventually reconcile. Sometimes it seems like we can, and then other times it doesn't.

My A lasted a little over a year. During that time, I tried to break it off with him several times. I kept going back. I'd try to stay away and hope things would improve with H, but they didn't. I'd get lonely, frustrated, etc., and back I'd go. MM would tell me all sorts of wonderful things. How great I was, how much he cared, how I had a right to be doing what we were doing because H didn't treat me well and had also cheated on me. I believed him. Well, sort of. In the back of my mind I guess I knew it was all crap. At least the part that I had a right to be doing it. He would also spend many hours talking about his W and all of his problems with her (she, too, has cheated on him with more than one person). I felt sorry for him. At some point, I entertained the thought that maybe we could be together, although that didn't last too long, and I realized that it could never work. But I at least felt that he genuinely cared for me. When the sh*t hit the fan, guess what happened? Yep, you're right. MM basically hit the road. Since I separated from H, I haven't heard a word from him. I never actually told him it was over, but in my heart, I knew it was. But I never actually told him this. He just hasn't bothered to contact me. My life has been in a complete upheaval, which he at least knew that, but where was he to be found? Sitting in the bosom of his happy little family, whistling dixie. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset that he's not in my life. I'm relieved and glad. But a part of me would have liked it if he had called me even one time just to see how I was. That small thing would have at least given me the dignity of knowing that despite how wrong the relationship was, he still cared. It has been a rude but not surprising awakening to see just how little he does or did.

I, too, tried to protect him. Did not want anything bad to happen to him because I realize that it's not his fault we had the A. In doing so, I went through some pretty hellish times with H because of this. Even today, I am still suffering tremendous fallout at times. The difference is that I no longer will protect this man. He knew who he was, so he knows his identity. I just won't defend him. There is no defense for this kind of twisted, morally wrong relationship. What kind of a relationship is built on lies
and deceit and betrayal? Sometimes when I think about it all, I am so ashamed of myself and what I did. I feel terrible about it all. I'm not saying that spending time with him wasn't nice, because obviously it was or I wouldn't have continued doing it. But the sneaking around and the lying and the tremendous stress and strain of continuing an illicit relationship was a terrible burden to bear. I would not go through that again if you paid me. I have a hard time understanding these people who honestly think that their A partners are their "soul-mates, best friends". I know that I never felt that. And I did care for this man. But I wasn't so far gone to think that something that has to be hidden and lied about is a "soul mate". I don't begrudge others their beliefs, because everyone has their process of awakening to go through.

Today, I'm extremely sad by what has happened. If I could wave a magic wand and make it never have happened, I would. But at least I know that I no longer have a secret to keep. Secrets keep us sick.

Peace to you and thanks again for your insights. It helps me this dreary day.

Silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
In reply to:
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 5:40pm

"Secrets keep us sick."


Amen


Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to:
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 11:09am

Dear Beenthere,

You were always there for me and giving me support when I needed it the most!

I am sorry I have been MIA for a while, but I just needed some time away from this board to clear my head and to try to move on.

Yes, I agree with everything you said in your story. You told your H about the A and came clean. I admire your strength by doing that. I also understand that most of us who ended the A, yet never told our H is continuing with the lies.

Believe me, many times right after my A ended and I looked into my H's eyes, I wanted to tell him about my A sooooo bad, but I couldn't. I went through so much and knowing that xMM hurt me, and yet the person who got hurt most is NOT me, but my H. I betrayed him, I broke our vows to be loyal to him.

When I was going through depression and cried for days, H saw me falling apart. He was there for me all the way. I honestly felt that H somehow knew I did something bad (i.e. cheated on him), because he would ask me at times, "Is there something else you wanna tell me about? When you are ready to tell me what's REALLY bothering you, I am here for you." So, by these words, yes I did want to tell H and hoping that maybe he would understand me and not leave me. But at the same time, I know that if he was the one who had an and A told me about it later, I would probably leave him.

I messed up, I admit it. I did a huge mistake by getting into an A. However, I ended it and now trying to work on the M. I know that if I did tell H about the whole thing, both our lives would be ruined FOREVER. H would definitely want a D, no way he would wanna stay with me. The trust would end between us. We would have to sell the house, and then where do we go from there???

This was a lesson in life for me. NEVER to do it again, but now that it's over, I have to glue the pieces back together and try to heal the wound I caused.

I hope everything works out for you as well. You have given me so many good advices, you asked about me when I didn't post for a while. And that by itself shows what a great person you are.

Hope your H forgives you and maybe explain to him why you had the A and what was missing in your M.

Best of luck!

Sadgirl

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:05pm

Last several days appear to be surreal...

Let's see...I told my husband on Tuesday around 2AM. For days, my husband's behavior would flip-flop from "controlled" anger (like saying cruel things) to showing empathy. Last several days, my H refused to wear his wedding ring, made sure he left it in plain view in which I would "notice" it. Then he would be reasonable, finally admitted there was a HUGE VOID in our marriage. He even went as forward as admitting to me he once was "infatuated" with a lady in our building for several months (which I suspected but he consistently denied at the time...to this day, claims nothing happened between them, all purely platonic friendship). My H is a strange duck...his personality would instaneously shift from caring man to dispensing quips of sarcasm...for example, if I am on the cell phone, he would ask "is it the exMM?" I assured him that exMM and I have no contact. Anyway, my H is a type of man who would not fully absorb the "impact" until some time has progressed along, then can finally "explode." To be honest I am SURPRISED the way how my H is handling this.

Yesterday afternoon, I was looking more pathetic than ever...wearing same stinky sweats for days, looking more waifish. My H took one look at me...went to the kitchen, made me some dinner, brought it to my bedroom...trying to force me to eat. Clearly my H loves me, could tell through his eyes...just days before, he was demanding divorce...now, he wants us to attend marriage counseling. We talked for several hours...just as the situation would appear peaceful, then my H would express his "subtle" rage about how he would like to find the exMM and break his limbs. I told H that I was just at fault, felt lonely, etc... My H would then clam up. Is this part of the "betrayed" spouse's grieving process...denial, justification? Today, for example, my H insisted on helping me organize this charity event that I was putting on today...helped me substantially today. For the first time (since I told him) he grabbed my hand (wanted to hold it) this afternoon...I did not say anything, did not know how to respond.

To be honest, I am confused. Just afraid I would "believe" my H has forgiven me...then pull a passive-aggressive behavior on me by meeting another woman and justifying the new relationship based upon my initial betrayal (to subconciously get back at me). Understand what I am getting at?

However I no longer feel that guilt...no longer want to push my husband away due to my "damaging" secrets. In a way I can feel myself draw closer to H again...

Yes, that was ME couple of months ago vowing to carry the secrets of my affair to grave...but somehow, I thought about several postings/response to my "plain torn" message. One that did "hit" me, got me thinking...I would "appreciate" it if my spouse told me he was in a relationship with another woman...almost as though he was providing me with informations, allowing me to make decisions as to what I want to do...perhaps give me that "fighting" chance to save the marriage or ditch it.....

By thinking about this...by confessing to my husband and if he refused to take partial responsibility for the "breakdown" of our marriage...would I really want to remain married to him? Probably not. Funny, by coming clean, it seems my husband really does appreciate it that I told him...could have literally gotten away with it, made sure all my tracks were covered but I opted instead to notify him, almost as saying "look, our marriage is in severe trouble...should we end this almost ten-year union or try to salvage it?" The way how my H was behaving yesterday and today, it does appear he understood why I did what I did, almost as though he could not blame me. Who knows...he may FINALLY explode next week and bounce my bum to the curb...BUT I do KNOW he would somewhere down the line, a year, two, five years, whatever...realize I made the right decision to "tell" him, to force him and us to address the issues of our marriage rather than deceiving him. By then, appreciation would set in.