In too deep
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| Wed, 01-20-2010 - 3:00pm |
It seems a little weird to be posting. I've been reading for a while and people here seem so nice and understanding. So let me start by telling you this. Today my best friend and the only person to know about my A told me that she could no longer talk to me until it is over. That she can't continue to watch me hurt myself and my family. The thing is before I even started this A I talked about my plans to do so with her and she never once tried to talk me out of it. She even said "it might be good for my marriage". And now I have no one. My H doesn't have a clue. He thinks I am depressed. He even suggested that I see a therapist. So here's my story...
It started about 6 months ago. It started innocent enough with just flirting. Then it turned into a few meetings. We both started feeling guilty so we stopped meeting for a while, but continued to talk. But instead of talking we were fighting all of the time. He would end it then come back, I would end it and he would ask me to come back. He says he wants to be friends. He doesn't want to be friends. He is an a**. I see that. He doesn't care about me. I go out of my way to make him feel special and I just spend the majority of my time crying. I'm constantly waiting for that next call or text or e-mail. I constantly check my e-mail and even sleep with my cell phone. Even though I know it isn't going to say what I want it to say. I just want him to be nice like he was in the beginning. I don't want him to leave his W and I don't want to leave my H. I don't even love him. I just love and miss those feelings I used to get. I keep thinking they will come back if I hold out.
I know I need to let go. We have no ties other then this A so it should be easy, but its not. Why can't I let go of this guy that so obviously doesn't care about me at all? I am trying the whole NC thing, but I always give in. I feel like such a failure and I just don't know what to do anymore.

((SC))
Welcome to endings; a place where you let it all out and not be judged or ridiculed because not one of us haven't wore the same pair of shoes you are wearing.
I am sorry about your friend. I have a sister I had confided in and at first she was actually jealous that I had a man in my life. WHAT A HOOT if you really think about it. She wanted to hear all the gory details until one day she said "enough is enough." Hah. I should have been telling myself that, right? So, I told her it was over because I didn't want to lose the closeness we had. For another year I pretended that my A was history, all the while continuing to sneak around and fall deeper and deeper into the A abyss.
The third time I ended the A was the one that finally stuck. I
~Iddy~
Sillychick,
Your friend loves you and doesn't want to see you throw
Honey, the hurt will go away but you have to give it time. As far as wanting to know if he hurts too, you will never get a straight answer out of a guy like this, and I think you already know that. Yet, you continue to bang your head against the wall trying to change the end of this sad story. It's time to scrounge up some dignity and just stop looking for the clown. Have you read that story yet? Here, I will copy and paste it now for you:
A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him.
The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless.
This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more.
On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown.
When we
~Iddy~
SC,
I am reading your post and my heart goes out to you. I know the pain and struggle and challenge and addiction that you are dealing with. You replied to a post from me, so I hope that you can trust that I know just how you feel. I am certain that many of us do.
One of the hopes that I have in turning to this board is to not feel alone in this. I have a few friends who know about my situation (two even know about my XAP and I as a couple, and I am sure have the unenviable task of supporting her as well), but I am the kind of guy that has a hard time being honest about my feelings (JAM anyone?). Which means, I don't tell people emotional stuff. Obviously, I'm working on that ;-).
It's unfortunate that your friend can't be there for you when you need her most...I am so sorry for that. I want to tell you that I am in therapy (IC). My A and my feelings for my XAP are a HUGE part of what I talk about. We each need to make our own decisions about IC, but I know that it gives me a place each week where I can talk about me and what I am feeling. My IC is a gift. It's not easy, it's annoying, it's frightening, it can be so easy for me to want to blow it off, but it is also a gift.
I'm not into guy bashing (AHEM) and I doubt that it would be helpful, but when I read what you wrote I think this...your AP is not YOUR friend. For me (and this is really hard), I am trying hard to feel negative about my XAP, but I know that being a strong person (and a friend to her, FWIW) also means allowing her to heal. It's not fair for me to keep going back to my XAP for my next fix. Most importantly, it not fair TO me. It's hard (impossible) for me to feel confident in that right now, because I get/got so much out of her telling me good things, but I know that is the addict talking.
Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Friends don't let friends live in pain and turmoil.
I read your post and you seem like the exact opposite of a failure to me. You seem brave. It's courageous of you to want to get yourself out of your A and to heal yourself. Posting your story here is a great example of that courage.
Thanks malepov. Its nice to have a guys point of view. Well, I made it through the day, but the nights seem to be the worse. Just to clarify this guy wasn't always an a**. In fact in the beginning we were great friends. Amazing friends actually. We talked about everything, including our marriages. He is over 10 years older then me so I tried to realize that his priorities are different then mine. I'm in my late 20s. He said he did it b/c he was bored. I'm not gonna lie...I did it not only b/c I was bored, but b/c my husband wasn't giving me the attention I needed. This guy did. He knew exactly what to say and what to do.
I just want someone to tell me that he is hurting too! Is that too much to ask?!? :P
Trying...hard...not...to...reach...for...the...phone....this was always the time of day he would call me.
Wow...I have such a long way to go.
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I hear ya!!! That's all I wanted too! And I didn't even care if he was hurting so much as I just wanted to know that he was thinking about me, that it bothered him a little bit that we would no longer talk or see eachother, that I mattered... I think we have a lot in common - I'm also the same age as you and my xMM was in his 40's AND I did it mostly out of boredom as did my xMM, who I'm pretty sure has lots of other girls just like me on the side.
I'm about 2 months of NC and I can tell you that it does get better. I remember those days where the drive to email or text was SO strong but you have to resist (stay busy, come here...) and the drive will fade.
STAY STRONG!! :)
Sillychick82,
I know exactly how you feel.