Too much!
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| Sat, 01-15-2005 - 7:57pm |
Hello, this is my story:
For 4 years I was in a relationship full of love, plans and commitment. We even lived together during the last year, and we were very happy.
But suddenly, because of money issues, I had to move back to my parent's place, in another city.
Then our relationship began to loose strenght: I was used to seeing him every day, so now that I couldn't, I'd spend the whole week missing him, until weekends came, when he'd come to visit. But these visits leaved me evenly unsatisfied because he wouldn't pay attention to me. He stopped being as loving and caring as he once was. So we started to fight a lot about it.
I guess he was tired of me being so dependant on his visits, and at the same time, I was frustrated because he wasn't paying the attention I wanted. All this cooled up things between us both.
So I decided I didn't need that in my life.
But when I asked him to break up, he didn't fight back, he just accepted it. At that moment, I was really turned off by him and his attitude, so I didn't really care about him not fighting back for our relationship, I just moved on with my life like nothing had happened.
Only a week after, I met this other guy. Someone totally different from my ex. We connected inmediatelly. He was so kind and caring. He had everything I needed in a partner. We fell for each other in a matter of weeks, and we started a relationship.
Meanwhile, since I had remained friends with my ex, we kept talking from time to time to keep track of our lives.
I even told him I was seeing someone else, and he took it with absolute coolness.
But suddenly, he changed. One month after I started my new relationship, my ex began to call more often, and began to visit. In one of these visits he told me he was missing me really badly and wanted to give it another try to our relationship.
Coincidentially, I had began to dislike my new boyfriend: all the first days romance was disappearing and my enthusiasm had fell down.
So one day, I cheated on my new boyfriend with my ex.
It was really wonderfull, I realised I missed my ex too, but at the same time, I felt very guilty because I had cheated on this new guy that I knew loved me and trusted me very much.
So I decided to break up with him. I didn't tell him what I had done, I just said I was getting confused and needed time for myself.
But I didn't get right back toghether with my ex. I wanted to make sure we weren't going to make the same mistakes we made before, so I decided to take things slowly with him and wait a bit.
Since then, everything seemed perfect. My ex was showing himself really changed, being loving and caring again and doing everything he could to get us back toghether, meanwhile, I was comfortably taking my time to think about it. I had everything under control.
Until I found out I was pregnant. A happy event you'd say. Well, here's the ugly aspect: I didn't know who the father was.
My ex heard it first because he was with me when I took the test. He was really in love with me, so he kindly offer all the support I needed even in the case he wasn't the father of the child.
I could have kept my mouth shut, but I thought the right thing to do was to tell all this to the other possible father aswell. So I did. Both news at the time: my pregnancy and my infidelity to him.
After an explotion of anger, he focused on the baby and also offered total support, since he thought he had a bigger chance to be the father because we had been togheter in more oportunities. He proposed to tell people the child was he's.
After thinking about it, among with imagining the embarasment of me telling people I didn't know who the father of my child was, I agreed to his proposal.
When I told this desition to my ex, he felt left appart by me, as if I had chosen who I wanted to be the father of my child.
He remained very upset for a long time, but still wanted to get back with me.
We stayed just as friends for a few more months, until I started to feel more secure about him, since his improved attitude towards me and he's supporting presence all along these difficult times where I was supposedly specting someone else's child.
So one day, I told him I was ready to get back together. But, surprisingly, he said no! He said he had became unsure about my feelings towards him, that didn't know what I felt for that other guy, that now he needed some time to think things through.
It's been six months ever since. I'm 8 months pregnant now.
My last boyfriend and I maintain a healthy relation, but hardly ever talk or see each other. Meanwhile, my ex and I had become better friends than ever, talking every day and visiting each other whenever we can.
But here's the main problem: I'm still in love with him. I don't want to tell him because I'm afraid we might loose our friendship and my dignity (he already rejected my getting back toghether proposal). Besides I think if he wanted me back, he would ask me to, as he once did. But he hadn't pronounce a word regarding anything near romance.
I keep telling myself to move on with my life, to focus on this baby that's about to come. But I can't let him go. I miss him so much. I miss our plans, I miss our life together. And I can't help myself from imagining he will come to his senses one day and tell me how much he loves me too and wants to get back with me.
This has become really painfull. Everything reminds me of him. Every call and visit he makes brights up my life increadably.
I know he's not seeing anyone at all, wich comforts me a lot, specially since I don't have the possibility of doing so (pregnant woman dating? yeah right)
I'm really desperate. I feel this grief could remain forever.
Should I take the risk and tell him what I feel? Should I wait until my child is born? How can I tell how he feels about me? Why does he keep calling and visiting me?
Please I really need some answers.
Thanks a lot!
