took a step back...feeling sad again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
took a step back...feeling sad again
9
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 3:02pm

I was beginning to feel empowered by breaking it off with AP last week -- knowing I was the one to do it, the strong one, the one who drew the line.


Breakup background: I had sent him a long email telling him we can't do this anymore, that

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 4:55pm

Hi Julia,


I notice a pattern here and aside from breaking NC where you willingly put yourself out there to get hurt, I see some other things in your post that I also noticed in another post today. So hey you are in good company!


First though let’s talk about the breech of NC. If you saw a sign on a gate that said beware of dog and you went inside the gate anyway and got bit. Whose fault would it be? Ok. That is a little tricky because here in the states in some areas people do stupid things and sue and win. So I will stipulate common sense wise who’s at fault? Now if after you got bit the first time you went in the gate again and got bit again, what do you say to the person? A collective (dooha)


You were well aware that xAP was non-responsive to you so what would change?


Here is the pattern I’m seeing with you. If you send xAP a final email where you are saying it is over but include all these emotions and ILU’s it sends a mixed message. It does not say I’m done with you it says my head and heart are fighting and right now my head is winning at the moment. My heart is still in to so xAP you still have a chance to use that to your advantage.


Now you tell him it’s over with this mixed convoluted message but if that is not confusing enough you now send him an E-card with mementos. Guess what that said to him? It says you are still holding on to all the stuff of the A and haven’t moved on one step.


Now can you see that you are doing more double talk then a used car sales man? I can see why xAP is not responding because you are not being clear. What does he respond to the part of you that says it is over or the part that is saying you are still in it?


My advice to you is similar to another poster. You need to stop using words to end this because you are not being clear with your words. Actions speak louder than words.


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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 9:51pm

well you sure told me! Maybe next time w/out the eye roll would be nice.

If any of this was easy we wouldn't be here.

Of course I wanted it to be real and for him to be the one and for me to be the one for him. Of course I really didn't want to end it. Do any of us? It's about doing the right thing finally and trying to end it. This is my first time and I'm doing the best I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 11:24pm

Hi Julia,


I edited my post to remove the eye-roll as you were offended by the comment.


I’m not sure what type of a response you were looking for Julia. You are posting about breaking NC and sending an E-card to your xAP for his b-day including photographs and poems you shared. You then end your post with “I’m such a fool for love.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 12:01am

Hi Julia,

You're a romantic at heart, and so am I. So I understand where you're coming from. You hold on to the hope that it was real and it meant something. Like those foolish love stories or movies we see where the guy has a change of heart and the heroine and hero live on happily ever after.

Empowerment said it right but I think in some cases this board is a little to harsh on Endings. Endings are tough, sentimental and sometimes we end things not because we want to, but because we have to.

I don't know whether you're married or he is? But it is obvious you're not getting what you need and it is time to move on. Trust me, this sad period does eventually end. I am almost two months into no contact and it is hitting me very hard this past week. But, I'm better now then I was the two years with xAP! I feel like I have my freedom to meet someone worthy of my love. Give yourself this time to heal and move on.

Really, if you give it some time, you'll see that contacting him is only making you look foolish in his eyes instead of making him fall in love with you again.

2010 Pictures, Images and Photos


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 12:21am

Julia


I didn't get the impression that E1 was 'telling you', but rather 'showing you' how your thinking and actions are sabotaging your efforts.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 12:32am

thanks Ladies.

Listen I know you are both right. And yes, I do take full responsibility for contacting him again. I admitted to doing it, didn't I?

However I did what I told him I was going to do and although it is contact, it is not like i texted him or emailed him to get back with him or start anew. I sent him a birthday card because we were going to celebrate his b-day together but I ended it before the day came so I told him I would send him something.

I will give myself a little credit that I haven't done anything else. I haven't texted or emailed or called. And I don't plan on doing anything else. I shared the little let down feelings I had, and I think they are pretty normal to have them.

E1 - yes this is the right board for me.

I agree with the comment that this board can be a little harsh with the NC thing and our slip ups. If we have a weak moment or make a mistake, I think we should be met with understanding at how hard it is and to try again. We are people with feelings who are ending a relationship -- some of those relationships were very heartfelt and full of love. I know mine was. For most, I would emotionally equate this big step to getting a divorce.

That's my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 12:48am

thanks clarity - yes, I believe that too that he is respecting my wishes. I think what he said was very nice actually. I was being greedy in just wanting more - that human thing!

I have to say that he and I parted on good terms actually and I think we will both be better off to end it before his wife would get hurt.

It's just so final and hard to say goodbye to someone we love. I won't contact him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 3:50am

Hi Julia


I am sorry you took a step back but I am sure you will learn from it and move forwards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 4:52am
Julia, I feel for you. Its hard whatever you do and its probably hard for him too. When we ended there were a lot of long emails and letters some running to ten pages or more. She took the final decision to end it and I knew it had to end too. I didn't try to stop the end but I felt it best for me to have everything said that needed to be said. Neither of us wanted it to be over but both of us knew it had to be. I think we took up roles, her being pragmatic and firm, me knowing it had to end and being sadly accepting (this seems to be a common pattern). Her letters were slightly more harsh and negative than mine - I couldn't criticise her. I think some of these relationships are 'real' in the sense that they could last in the real world. In those cases there is a real loss and real grief. Honouring that with proper goodbyes may, just may give some peace in the years ahead, I don't know. Eventually though the goodbyes have to end because the pain has to start for real. I'm a romantic too, I do love her, I have for over 20 years. One of my last emails was two lines, it took me an hour to write. I wanted her to know that I understood and that she could go in peace without worrying about me, that I'd be alright even though I still loved her. Even then she came back with another response! I'm in a lot of pain here. I don't think it would help her to know that.