Tossing in my 2 cents about moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tossing in my 2 cents about moving on.
7
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:55pm
Just wanted to pop in and say HI to everybody and to say YES you can get thru the ending of YOUR AFFAIR and YES you will move on and YES you will be happy and have life back to what you know as normal again. It wasn't very long ago that I was sitting here thinking.... I never be over HIM and I'll never stop loving him, and I can't live without him in my life somehow. My what a difference a short time makes.

I used to think......gosh he really does love me cause he chases after me professing his "love" for me even after telling him over and over again that I can't do this because I am married.

I used to think.....maybe I can do this affair thing, having 2 men "love" me, gosh what more could a girl ask for...having her cake and eating it too!!!!

I used to think.....He could have had any woman (he preferred married ones of course) and he choose me!! Gosh I was soooo lucky.

Fast forward to now.........I now think WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! How could I have stooped so low to allow the affair to happen when if I had only took a better look around me, at my life, my home, my family and friends.. that I had everything I needed already at my reach, And I reached in the wrong direction.

Let me tell you.........You deserve so much more that the affair partner could ever give you, cause realistically all your gonna get is heartache, grief, dishonesty, and loss of self worth.

Please MAKE yourself move on to better, more positive things in your life. Life is too short to live on a "maybe on day" or "Hopefully we'll be together soon". Take a look around you. The people who were on your life before the affair partner walked in are the ones that are true and are still there for you, and you know really, that they do truly love and care for you. It's real love and caring they have. Not short lived, sex related, lie based love.

I like being ME again!! and YOU will too.

YES you can do it!!

TCOM





iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:17pm
Hope you are right, because I am barely holding together. I have been in and out of depression for almost 3 weeks now. My A ended for the second time on Oct. 22. I thought we would never talk to each other because we sort of had a nasty voice mail exchange and I told xMM how he used me for sex only, etc.

Then he called me back a few days later, left me this sweet message, apologizing that he never meant to hurt me or use me, etc. I didn't answer his call, but I did call him back later on. Since then we still talk. He said he doesn't want to stop talking to me and that he still cares about me and wants to stay friends.

I tried to move on. I tried not to call him, but I did. I try to keep busy, but each time I find myself staring at the walls, crying, I try to be happy with my H again. I tried to go to therapy, went once and then cancelled my second session. I try to read books on ending affairs.....Nothing is working.

I can't stop thinking about xMM!!!!!!! I am sitting here crying as I am typing this.

My H and I haven't been intimate in over a month. He thinks I've been like this because of my recent AB. Partly yes, but he doesn't know the REAL reason that I had an A.

I get so angry at times that for the way xMM used me, I want to hurt him back by telling his W about her cheating husband.

I was nothing more than a sex toy for him. I feel so used, like a beaten, left for dead, stray dog.

If all my xMM wanted was sex, why not call a 900# and just get it over with. No strings attached, not emotions to deal with afterwards. Why???? Why did he do this to me???

I am just as guilty, because I am married too and should have never started this on the first place. But I didn't intend to enter this A purely on sexual basis. Maybe I am naive, or maybe because past relationships I had and every men I was intimate with did have feelings involved.

I hope you are right, that it does get better! So, far I am not getting any better, but worst.

Thanks for listening!

Sadgirl :((((((((((((((((((

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:57pm
AMEN RCOM,

It's only been 2 1/2 months for me and I know if I emailed him to say how much I miss him, we would be in the throws again. I am currently waivering to and fro from hating him and missing him terribly but I am firm that we have reached the point of no return. I am already feeling the attraction and love for my H that the OMM has stolen from him for so long. I am just starting to remember what it was like before the A and how happy I WAS. I want my old life back bad enough to stick with the NC this time. I am at the point where I don't even remember how long it's been since NC. It feels really good to be in that place.

Thank you for your encouragement!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:43pm
I know you are right about the life before and the people who love me. Right now my heart is so heavy with grief for MM, his life is a turmoil and so is mine. He treated me really bad and I just walked away from him. I fell off the boat last thursday, we spent a very emotional day together. We had been apart for 3 weeks and he called the rest is history. I saw him just a few minutes yesterday and it didn't take long for me to realize I knew our relationship was gone that most of that deep seeded love I had in my heart had been damaged to the point of no repair as far as he was concerned. I regret last thursday so much now, I asked him yesterday why he didn't he just leave me alone why did he have to call. I'm back to square 1 now. Starting over the healing again. I don't know if it helped any of you girls or not but I focus on how last I was, all the bad parts of the relationship. I knew it was over a month before it happened because not 1 time during that last month did I talk to him or see him without crying. The stress of being last, of being his dirty little secret had taken its toll. I wonder now if its that I miss him so bad or is it really the fact that I dont know what to do with myself right now because I was with him 3 yrs, almost everyday for 3 yrs. Muliple calls a day from him. Not a day went by I didn't hear "I love you". This man don't know what love is and I know it. I do know that if he divorced her, walked up right now with divorce papers in hand I wouldn't take him back. Long story short, he started doing business with a partner, this partner came into our lives like his guardian, told him what when and where, (my MM was furnishing the money and the vehicles) well I found out Mr Interferring had criminal warrents for his arrest, HA! Yes I did notify the authorities. The rest is history. This was after the fact we had separated. Yesterday, he was very ugly to me about having to pay him out, really ugly. The last words he said were He loved me, then he kissed me and like a fool I started to cry, I said no you don't, you took the love I had for you and used me for your wh--e. I turned and walked away and didn't look back. He sat there for a long time in his truck, me in my car and I never looked at him. I don't answer my phones. I don't go anywhere I think he may see me. The pain comes in waves. I have got to overcome this gully I am in somehow. I was so hysterical crying last night my daughter came over and she had never seen the backbone of the family so low, (she knows) she decided the devil was getting his dues. He and his W are filing for divorce but she gave her major ammunition to fight him with and told him that he better stay away from me or deal with the rest of my family. This thing has esculated into a major 2 family war. Well it did from his side until I told mine and now they have backed off.I was warned long ago the wife would sic her children on me, they are 20 and 22. I started young so mine are well established 27,25,22. Not little punks that acually had the nerve to come to my house acting like idiots the other night until my 3 children walked out. Acually it was quiet funny to see them tuck tail and leave. I told him that our kids didn't need to get into this but he had to understand my 2--6'3 250 lb boys and my oldest (my daughter) who has a temper from hell wasn't going to stand for that. My boys showed their father mnay times you don't hit their mother, and these kids of mine are far from violent the boys say their size intimadates enough. I hate that it came to that.I raised my children as respectable honest people. Now look what their mother has done. I'm not all wrong, this MM told me he wasn't married to this woman they were just business partners who were once married, then I found out different but I was so in love with him at that point i didn't care. This turmoil is driving me out of my mind, more so than the hurt. I need guidence here not condemming me because I slipped and fell 1 time, I won't do it again. Help me find the opening to get out of this self lothing and pain. Sorry so long I needed to vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:22pm


Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.........................

Gosh there is light at the end of our tunnels.....

AMEN TO THAT.

Congratulations, I AM 2 MONTHS IN TO ENDING THIS, I yet to feel that light. I hope to be in your shoes soooooon. I just simply want my life back to normal too.

Take Care.

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:41pm
Dear Takingcareofme:

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I think I am seeing the light too.

I decided to open the door of the bomb shelter I have been hiding out in crying in for one year. You see I blew up my whole life for this A and I have been too scared to come out and see so I have been hiding out crying and *missing* xMM and wondering when he was going to come for me and tell me he couldn't live without me. Well he never came.

SOOOOOOOO, I opened the door of the bomb shelter and the LIGHT IS REALLY BRIGHT and there is a WHOLE LOTTA RUBBLE LYING AROUND. ALOTALOTA RUBBLE. And its all mine. Its my responsibility. Not XMM, Mine. My life!!!! I THINK I'M GONNA GET A BROOM AND DUSTPAN AND START CLEANING UP. So last year I cried and this year I'm going to clean.

I think I will clean it up really good and make it just the way I like it--my life.

When I wake up in the morning my first thought is xMM. But I realize that it is not him that I miss anymore (cause frankly he hasn't been around much this year). I am just scared and lonely and I have stress and lots of cleaning to do--so I think of XMM to ESCAPE from my real life.

I can see what I'm doing now because I opened the door. And its ok that it took me so long to get to this place in my recovery. It has been one painful ride--but the pain is diminishing FINALLY and boy have I learned ALOT. I can survive my A. I can survive my D. I can rebuild my life. I can have a second chance. I can still be a good Mom to my kids. I can still have a good relationship with God. XMM can't stop me--and I won't stop myself.

SEEING THE LIGHT

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 6:46am

Hi Everybody!! Thought I'd bump this up. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!

Have a good weekend!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 12:55pm

Hi Sadgirl,

I am new here but have been lurking for some time now. I am not quite ready to share my story as I find it too overwhelming to rehash the details of my sorrid affair. I have gained a lot of strength and insight from all of the brave souls who try to move forward to a healthier existence. I am working on NC for the 10th time in 2 years...but this time I am done for good...for sure.

Sadgirl, I feel your pain. I am currently feeling the same anger towards my exA but also anger towards myself. One thing I wanted to share with you is another support site that really opened my eyes as to the type of man I was really dealing with. I found the link on a Sex and Love Addicts recovery site and I cannot tell you how it really helped me to put many unanswered questions to rest. I too was hooked from the beginning and was told that he wasn't using me for sex...that he loved me...blah, blah, blah.

Anyhow, the link is http://mylist.net/listinfo/serenityplace. If you choose to join you can read current and past archives of members who share their pain and devestation as a result of being involved with a sex addict. It is a wonderful, safe, support group that will make you feel welcome and cared for in your darkest moments.

Not sure if your exA is a Sex and Love addict, but Sex addicts use women and have no conscience about it whatsoever. They can be married or single...if they're married they'll most likely lie about their status to hook you in. They are also extremely good liars... For me it's a double whammy because not only will an affair destroy your sense of self...but when your married boyfriend is also a sex addict it is a devestating blow that assaults your soul to the core.

My Best,
WitzEnd