Tossing in my 2 cents about moving on.
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Tossing in my 2 cents about moving on.
| Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:55pm |
Just wanted to pop in and say HI to everybody and to say YES you can get thru the ending of YOUR AFFAIR and YES you will move on and YES you will be happy and have life back to what you know as normal again. It wasn't very long ago that I was sitting here thinking.... I never be over HIM and I'll never stop loving him, and I can't live without him in my life somehow. My what a difference a short time makes.
I used to think......gosh he really does love me cause he chases after me professing his "love" for me even after telling him over and over again that I can't do this because I am married.
I used to think.....maybe I can do this affair thing, having 2 men "love" me, gosh what more could a girl ask for...having her cake and eating it too!!!!
I used to think.....He could have had any woman (he preferred married ones of course) and he choose me!! Gosh I was soooo lucky.
Fast forward to now.........I now think WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! How could I have stooped so low to allow the affair to happen when if I had only took a better look around me, at my life, my home, my family and friends.. that I had everything I needed already at my reach, And I reached in the wrong direction.
I used to think......gosh he really does love me cause he chases after me professing his "love" for me even after telling him over and over again that I can't do this because I am married.
I used to think.....maybe I can do this affair thing, having 2 men "love" me, gosh what more could a girl ask for...having her cake and eating it too!!!!
I used to think.....He could have had any woman (he preferred married ones of course) and he choose me!! Gosh I was soooo lucky.
Fast forward to now.........I now think WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! How could I have stooped so low to allow the affair to happen when if I had only took a better look around me, at my life, my home, my family and friends.. that I had everything I needed already at my reach, And I reached in the wrong direction.
Let me tell you.........You deserve so much more that the affair partner could ever give you, cause realistically all your gonna get is heartache, grief, dishonesty, and loss of self worth.
Please MAKE yourself move on to better, more positive things in your life. Life is too short to live on a "maybe on day" or "Hopefully we'll be together soon". Take a look around you. The people who were on your life before the affair partner walked in are the ones that are true and are still there for you, and you know really, that they do truly love and care for you. It's real love and caring they have. Not short lived, sex related, lie based love.
I like being ME again!! and YOU will too.
YES you can do it!!
TCOM

Then he called me back a few days later, left me this sweet message, apologizing that he never meant to hurt me or use me, etc. I didn't answer his call, but I did call him back later on. Since then we still talk. He said he doesn't want to stop talking to me and that he still cares about me and wants to stay friends.
I tried to move on. I tried not to call him, but I did. I try to keep busy, but each time I find myself staring at the walls, crying, I try to be happy with my H again. I tried to go to therapy, went once and then cancelled my second session. I try to read books on ending affairs.....Nothing is working.
I can't stop thinking about xMM!!!!!!! I am sitting here crying as I am typing this.
My H and I haven't been intimate in over a month. He thinks I've been like this because of my recent AB. Partly yes, but he doesn't know the REAL reason that I had an A.
I get so angry at times that for the way xMM used me, I want to hurt him back by telling his W about her cheating husband.
I was nothing more than a sex toy for him. I feel so used, like a beaten, left for dead, stray dog.
If all my xMM wanted was sex, why not call a 900# and just get it over with. No strings attached, not emotions to deal with afterwards. Why???? Why did he do this to me???
I am just as guilty, because I am married too and should have never started this on the first place. But I didn't intend to enter this A purely on sexual basis. Maybe I am naive, or maybe because past relationships I had and every men I was intimate with did have feelings involved.
I hope you are right, that it does get better! So, far I am not getting any better, but worst.
Thanks for listening!
Sadgirl :((((((((((((((((((
It's only been 2 1/2 months for me and I know if I emailed him to say how much I miss him, we would be in the throws again. I am currently waivering to and fro from hating him and missing him terribly but I am firm that we have reached the point of no return. I am already feeling the attraction and love for my H that the OMM has stolen from him for so long. I am just starting to remember what it was like before the A and how happy I WAS. I want my old life back bad enough to stick with the NC this time. I am at the point where I don't even remember how long it's been since NC. It feels really good to be in that place.
Thank you for your encouragement!
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.........................
Gosh there is light at the end of our tunnels.....
AMEN TO THAT.
Congratulations, I AM 2 MONTHS IN TO ENDING THIS, I yet to feel that light. I hope to be in your shoes soooooon. I just simply want my life back to normal too.
Take Care.
Bug
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I think I am seeing the light too.
I decided to open the door of the bomb shelter I have been hiding out in crying in for one year. You see I blew up my whole life for this A and I have been too scared to come out and see so I have been hiding out crying and *missing* xMM and wondering when he was going to come for me and tell me he couldn't live without me. Well he never came.
SOOOOOOOO, I opened the door of the bomb shelter and the LIGHT IS REALLY BRIGHT and there is a WHOLE LOTTA RUBBLE LYING AROUND. ALOTALOTA RUBBLE. And its all mine. Its my responsibility. Not XMM, Mine. My life!!!! I THINK I'M GONNA GET A BROOM AND DUSTPAN AND START CLEANING UP. So last year I cried and this year I'm going to clean.
I think I will clean it up really good and make it just the way I like it--my life.
When I wake up in the morning my first thought is xMM. But I realize that it is not him that I miss anymore (cause frankly he hasn't been around much this year). I am just scared and lonely and I have stress and lots of cleaning to do--so I think of XMM to ESCAPE from my real life.
I can see what I'm doing now because I opened the door. And its ok that it took me so long to get to this place in my recovery. It has been one painful ride--but the pain is diminishing FINALLY and boy have I learned ALOT. I can survive my A. I can survive my D. I can rebuild my life. I can have a second chance. I can still be a good Mom to my kids. I can still have a good relationship with God. XMM can't stop me--and I won't stop myself.
SEEING THE LIGHT
Survive
Hi Everybody!! Thought I'd bump this up. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!
Have a good weekend!!
TCOM
Hi Sadgirl,
I am new here but have been lurking for some time now. I am not quite ready to share my story as I find it too overwhelming to rehash the details of my sorrid affair. I have gained a lot of strength and insight from all of the brave souls who try to move forward to a healthier existence. I am working on NC for the 10th time in 2 years...but this time I am done for good...for sure.
Sadgirl, I feel your pain. I am currently feeling the same anger towards my exA but also anger towards myself. One thing I wanted to share with you is another support site that really opened my eyes as to the type of man I was really dealing with. I found the link on a Sex and Love Addicts recovery site and I cannot tell you how it really helped me to put many unanswered questions to rest. I too was hooked from the beginning and was told that he wasn't using me for sex...that he loved me...blah, blah, blah.
Anyhow, the link is http://mylist.net/listinfo/serenityplace. If you choose to join you can read current and past archives of members who share their pain and devestation as a result of being involved with a sex addict. It is a wonderful, safe, support group that will make you feel welcome and cared for in your darkest moments.
Not sure if your exA is a Sex and Love addict, but Sex addicts use women and have no conscience about it whatsoever. They can be married or single...if they're married they'll most likely lie about their status to hook you in. They are also extremely good liars... For me it's a double whammy because not only will an affair destroy your sense of self...but when your married boyfriend is also a sex addict it is a devestating blow that assaults your soul to the core.
My Best,
WitzEnd