First off, I admire your courage and honesty in posting this message - it takes a lot to out yourself out there and I believe it is so helpful to others who are longing for those fishing attempts.
***
"Why does he make me weak though? why does he have this power over me?"
Because you are letting him. You are handing your power over to him. He is 'winning'. YES - you can block and walk. NO you will not contact him for that one last FU email!
Alice, you know what you need to do. I don't & won't scold you, but I want to see you in a healthier place than this. I can feel that you are angry and darn freaking right you should be angry - he is stealing from you again, but this time, you are handing over the keys to your house and saying 'come on in and take what you want - i won't stop you'.
So what are you going to do Alice? Are you in therapy? Where is your resolve? Where is that strong & determined Alice that we all know and love? The external validation that you got - that high for the day, what's that about for you?
Why Alice? You have the answers, not us.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." — Maya Angelou
The poor lost soul that he is , living with his sad overweight wife, and without Alice telling him how hot and amazing he is, without Alice waiting for his next text or call, without Alice servicing him in cars and hotels--what does he have? nuthin I guess.
alice, if your XAP was that miserable he wouldn't still be with his W. MM blame their W all the time when they cheat but if you are unhappy and want to end a M you will do it. don't fool yourself into thinking he isn't getting anything from his W. He's getting something from her. you don't know what is going on behind closed doors and don't believe everything he is telling you. of course his W is sad and probably even a biatch to him - because he is cheating on her and you probably aren't the first one and you won't be the last. just because a person is overweight doesn't mean that they deserve to be cheated on. it's not the way a woman looks its what she can provide for a man which keeps him around. you both are providing him with something that he is enjoying and he wants to keep you both to massage his ego.
And you guys know he's the biggest wuss of all. But yet he wants this to continue -- to risk everything? he confuses me.
He is a wuss because he chose to cheat rather than end his M and then move on to another woman. We (us cheaters) are all wusses when you think about it. He wants to continue because he has two women massaging his ego. I think that most men would love to have a woman on the side who will degrade herself by having sex in cars, parks and anywhere just to have a few minutes of his time. You deserve so much more than being his fill-in gal. Your H also deserves more than having a W who is throwing her dignity to the wind for JAM. Even if he left his W, would you really want a man who solves marital issues by cheating. I think you would always be wondering when he would step out on you. There is no way you can doing everything and anything he wants when he wants it for years and years. Eventually that would be exhausting.
Alice, Blame for you being a wreck rests squarely on your shoulders. The sooner you accept this and accept responsibility for your own suffering, the sooner you can begin to heal and accept responsibility for your progress. You have a bunch of fogged in and screwed up thoughts, made only worse by the fact that you are not adhering to NC. You said you don't know how to get through to him.... hells bells, Grrrl, I wonder how to get through to YOU! There is no magic wand to wave - you, only you, have the power to make this person disappear from your life. After reading your post, I wonder if you really _want_ him to.
NC and Alice- Whenever I read derogatory remarks about the BS, I cringe. IMO, we have absolutely NO right to comment negatively about the BS, not even if she's retaliated viciously towards us for inserting ourselves into her marriage. If she didn't came at you with a baseball bat or run you over with her car, be thankful -- anything less that that, and we got off lucky. Just remember, we're the ones who violated HER, got mixed up in her business, BY CHOICE; she didn't get a vote in getting f'd over by us and the H. Focusing negativity in her direction is a sign that the OW/OM hasn't reached the place of complete accountability, humility, and contrition.
There have been several post of persons putting down the BS's the last couple of days. The other was a person who is a newbie. She may still be in the fog. We expect that from a newbie still in the fog.
I get it Alice, that is what exAp states. But your post comes off as if you agree...please remember we can not hear you saying this, we are reading.
Why mention his W at all? I mean even what he says? She has nothing to do wiht you and your healing.
Maybe that will stop people from assuming you are coming across as speaking of her...just an idea
and for anyone else....I realize you may be in fog, but never insult BS. We do not know them and if anything we owe them apologies and not insults of any kind.
Pages
First off, I admire your courage and honesty in posting this message - it takes a lot to out yourself out there and I believe it is so helpful to others who are longing for those fishing attempts.
***
"Why does he make me weak though? why does he have this power over me?"
Because you are letting him. You are handing your power over to him. He is 'winning'. YES - you can block and walk. NO you will not contact him for that one last FU email!
Alice, you know what you need to do. I don't & won't scold you, but I want to see you in a healthier place than this. I can feel that you are angry and darn freaking right you should be angry - he is stealing from you again, but this time, you are handing over the keys to your house and saying 'come on in and take what you want - i won't stop you'.
So what are you going to do Alice? Are you in therapy? Where is your resolve? Where is that strong & determined Alice that we all know and love? The external validation that you got - that high for the day, what's that about for you?
Why Alice? You have the answers, not us.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 7/23/2010 1:33 pm ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Alice, Alice, Alice...... do you have a death wish??
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
The poor lost soul that he is , living with his sad overweight wife, and without Alice telling him how hot and amazing he is, without Alice waiting for his next text or call, without Alice servicing him in cars and hotels--what does he have? nuthin I guess.
alice, if your XAP was that miserable he wouldn't still be with his W. MM blame their W all the time when they cheat but if you are unhappy and want to end a M you will do it. don't fool yourself into thinking he isn't getting anything from his W. He's getting something from her. you don't know what is going on behind closed doors and don't believe everything he is telling you. of course his W is sad and probably even a biatch to him - because he is cheating on her and you probably aren't the first one and you won't be the last. just because a person is overweight doesn't mean that they deserve to be cheated on. it's not the way a woman looks its what she can provide for a man which keeps him around. you both are providing him with something that he is enjoying and he wants to keep you both to massage his ego.
And you guys know he's the biggest wuss of all. But yet he wants this to continue -- to risk everything? he confuses me.
He is a wuss because he chose to cheat rather than end his M and then move on to another woman. We (us cheaters) are all wusses when you think about it. He wants to continue because he has two women massaging his ego. I think that most men would love to have a woman on the side who will degrade herself by having sex in cars, parks and anywhere just to have a few minutes of his time. You deserve so much more than being his fill-in gal. Your H also deserves more than having a W who is throwing her dignity to the wind for JAM. Even if he left his W, would you really want a man who solves marital issues by cheating. I think you would always be wondering when he would step out on you. There is no way you can doing everything and anything he wants when he wants it for years and years. Eventually that would be exhausting.
Alice,
Blame for you being a wreck rests squarely on your shoulders. The sooner you accept this and accept responsibility for your own suffering, the sooner you can begin to heal and accept responsibility for your progress. You have a bunch of fogged in and screwed up thoughts, made only worse by the fact that you are not adhering to NC. You said you don't know how to get through to him.... hells bells, Grrrl, I wonder how to get through to YOU! There is no magic wand to wave - you, only you, have the power to make this person disappear from your life. After reading your post, I wonder if you really _want_ him to.
NC and Alice-
Whenever I read derogatory remarks about the BS, I cringe. IMO, we have absolutely NO right to comment negatively about the BS, not even if she's retaliated viciously towards us for inserting ourselves into her marriage. If she didn't came at you with a baseball bat or run you over with her car, be thankful -- anything less that that, and we got off lucky. Just remember, we're the ones who violated HER, got mixed up in her business, BY CHOICE; she didn't get a vote in getting f'd over by us and the H. Focusing negativity in her direction is a sign that the OW/OM hasn't reached the place of complete accountability, humility, and contrition.
Dee
Edited 7/23/2010 4:02 pm ET by deeulta
I
Thank you, thank you, thank you Dee, my thoughts exactly!!!!
First I would like to say, on my computer the last post i saw in this thread was Dee's post.
Alice
There have been several post of persons putting down the BS's the last couple of days. The other was a person who is a newbie. She may still be in the fog. We expect that from a newbie still in the fog.
I get it Alice, that is what exAp states. But your post comes off as if you agree...please remember we can not hear you saying this, we are reading.
Why mention his W at all? I mean even what he says? She has nothing to do wiht you and your healing.
Maybe that will stop people from assuming you are coming across as speaking of her...just an idea
and for anyone else....I realize you may be in fog, but never insult BS. We do not know them and if anything we owe them apologies and not insults of any kind.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Pages