Omg, I _desperately_ want to apologize to the BSs and really struggle with the frustration that I can't. Not to my X's or to the universe of BSs, either. I don't even want to defend myself, as there is no defense, and I don't expect forgiveness. And it's not like I think anything I have to say would ease their pain or add to their understanding... I just want to say "I'm soooo sorry." I've found that prayer is the only way to make any sort of amends. I pray daily for Ms that have been affected and for the BSs who are dealing with the aftermath - whether they know of the A or not. I don't think I'll ever be at peace with that particular aspect of my A. Ever.
Sucks, but not as much as what they are going through.
It is one aspect that continues to haunt me, and I realize too that that is my burden to carry. I can't imagine the hurt I have caused, and I don't for one minute think she was responsible in the LEAST for the actions of her H and I. We were cowards and we stole from her, crushed her dreams and destroyed her life as she knew it. I don't absolve myself from the responsibility simply because it wasn't I who took vows to her, she was another human being and deserved to be respected as such. My way of saying sorry, was to NEVER EVER contact him again once she found out, even as he begged and pleaded. I made many attempts to end it with him prior to dday so that she wouldn't find out, but he told her because he wanted to leave. Well, I wish we never started the A, wish I ended it sooner, and wished he would have gotten into therapy to straighten his crap out, as I did.
I too pray to the Universe that he is making every effort to redeem himself and that he is holding whatever emotions she expresses as she tries to piece her life back together. She is stronger than I ever was and I wish her well.
Too little, too late, I know )-:
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." — Maya Angelou
I've not once visited the BS board until yesterday. Ouch. Post after painful post, I didn't think I could take anymore, but I kept reading. It certainly gave me some insight. They don't all seem to be on the same page- some have healed more than others. Some stayed married; some didn't. Some hate us, some understand and empathize. But they all shared the same message: xap was not ours to lose. Period. I needed that perspective. I also gained some valuable insight into how my H is feeling. He is pretty good at articulating it, but reading it from a 3rd party was different. I could hear his pain in their posts. I wouldn't recommend our newbies visiting that board, but for those of us looking to take the next step; for those of us who have healed ourselves enough and now need to turn our focus to our Sig O's, the insight is valuable.
ITA, it has been 7.5 years since my A and I have a friend who was betrayed which brought me back to square one with the guilt I feel for sleeping with a MM. I have wished for all these years that I can just tell his W
Hi Dee- thank you for the offer. I will try to repost my thoughts although i am really not that good at expressing myself or my feelings, especially not in writing.
First off - to clarify - i am in NC approaching 4 weeks. I don't even know what the first official day of NC was. i am not interested in going back to the A at all once xAP returns back to work in the next week. My feelings for him are not what they used to be and when i ended it, i knew that, which is why I ended it. It was easier than ever before.
The reason I don't understand the views/ beliefs on here
Sunshine, I'm not feeling very eloquent this morning and you bring up such important points that I hesitate to respond in my dull state... but I'll try. Bear with me.
Granted, a lot of posters here need to vilify the X to help get over the ending hump -- and, heck, they might be correctly labeling X for the first time ever in doing so... but not every Ender feels that way about their X and not every X deserves that label. Mine doesn't. We don't need to make a monster out of the X in order to see that the A and the relationship with the A was flawed and that it contributed to nurturing the worst in both parties. Sure, some As turn into RL relationships -- but that doesn't mean the RL Rs are healthy. Going 'legit' doesn't magically transform the foundation of that R into something worthwhile, solid or even sustainable. Damaged people have RL dysfunctional Rs all the time. So, perhaps _some_ go on to have decent post-A relationships, but what does that matter to you -- you don't want a R with X, so defending that very rare and very tumultuous statistic is not a part of your fight.
I think that at this point in your journey, you need to focus on the "so what" aspect of the ending. Let's just say X loved you and was willing to go legit.... so what? Let's just say there was a real and deep connection between you and that there was genuine love.... so what? Will any of this change the future you want to create for yourself? Project one year into the future. Who do you want to be? What kind of life do you want to have? Now, look at what you need to do and where you need to apply your focus in order to get there. Does any thought or feeling associated with the A or towards X contribute to you getting to that goal? No? Then shuck it.
There are very few universal truths. I think that NC is preached so intensely here because it is a tried and true way of accomplishing a healthy and promising future - free of the toxic residue of the X and the A, irrespective of the quality, intensity, or feelings of the Ender towards the X. If we were to take a survey of the Vets, do you think a single one of them would say that continued contact with the X was beneficial for them or that they would recommend keeping a single tie to the X in place? NC is preached on this board because it works -- like I said, irrespective of the X or the type of A.
What type of healing techniques are you using that are different from what you see here? You said, "I recognize that every person and situation are unique and need different healing techniques and it would be nice to see more of that on here. We don't all fit the same description." I see a lot of variety on this board, is so far as personality types, types of affairs, and ways of dealing with the ending. Yet, with all this difference, I still see the common goal to end our self-induced pain and develop into people who are healthy, self-realized and at peace. The vets and tweeners give the advice that has worked for them. If you're not seeing the advice or mode of encouragement that resonates with your own "personal experience" (as you said), perhaps it is because that none of the vets or tweeners here have had success with the advice you think you want to hear.
I'm a headstrong and bossy little pain... and early on in my ending I come on this board and told the Vets to tell me XY and Z! "I need this" and "I need that". I struggled with NC, with feelings for my X, with the anger and angst other enders had for their Xs.... I kept saying, "yeah, BUT..." Now, 8 months later, I thank God that I was continually, strongly and lovingly guided with the wisdom and experience of the Vets. They have been successful; I, at the time, was NOT. Oh, I get you, Sunshine. I get you in spades. If you think that there are not people on this board who know your 'situation', yah.... no... there are. Me, for one.
"I thank God that I was continually, strongly and lovingly guided with the wisdom and experience of the Vets. They have been successful; I, at the time, was NOT. Oh, I get you, Sunshine. I get you in spades. If you think that there are not people on this board who know your 'situation', yah.... no... there are. Me, for one."
Me too!
I thank the Universe everyday that I found this board and the Vets and tweeners didn't give up on me.
I tried every other method of ending this A - from weaning away slowly without telling him, to 'sure I will work on being friends with you no matter how uncertain the path is' ... only to waste months of potential healing time avoiding the inevitable. I would be 8 months NC instead of 3 right now if I had just faced up to this sad reality.
Thank you Dee for taking the time to write your response. It was crystal clear and as informative as ever.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." — Maya Angelou
If this was a dull state, I'd pay top dollar to read one of your shiny ones. ;-) Awesome post and indeed eloquent, my dear.
<healthy and promising future - free of the toxic residue of the X and the A, irrespective of the quality, intensity, or feelings of the Ender towards the X.>>
And you think correctly. Those who have a hard time with the NC concept are the same ones that continually come back to this board when "their" way isn't working.
Pages
I apologized to the woman on there
~Iddy~
Omg, I _desperately_ want to apologize to the BSs and really struggle with the frustration that I can't. Not to my X's or to the universe of BSs, either. I don't even want to defend myself, as there is no defense, and I don't expect forgiveness. And it's not like I think anything I have to say would ease their pain or add to their understanding... I just want to say "I'm soooo sorry." I've found that prayer is the only way to make any sort of amends. I pray daily for Ms that have been affected and for the BSs who are dealing with the aftermath - whether they know of the A or not. I don't think I'll ever be at peace with that particular aspect of my A. Ever.
Sucks, but not as much as what they are going through.
Dee
I totally agree Dee.
It is one aspect that continues to haunt me, and I realize too that that is my burden to carry. I can't imagine the hurt I have caused, and I don't for one minute think she was responsible in the LEAST for the actions of her H and I. We were cowards and we stole from her, crushed her dreams and destroyed her life as she knew it. I don't absolve myself from the responsibility simply because it wasn't I who took vows to her, she was another human being and deserved to be respected as such. My way of saying sorry, was to NEVER EVER contact him again once she found out, even as he begged and pleaded. I made many attempts to end it with him prior to dday so that she wouldn't find out, but he told her because he wanted to leave. Well, I wish we never started the A, wish I ended it sooner, and wished he would have gotten into therapy to straighten his crap out, as I did.
I too pray to the Universe that he is making every effort to redeem himself and that he is holding whatever emotions she expresses as she tries to piece her life back together. She is stronger than I ever was and I wish her well.
Too little, too late, I know )-:
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
I've not once visited the BS board until yesterday. Ouch. Post after painful post, I didn't think I could take anymore, but I kept reading. It certainly gave me some insight. They don't all seem to be on the same page- some have healed more than others. Some stayed married; some didn't. Some hate us, some understand and empathize. But they all shared the same message: xap was not ours to lose. Period. I needed that perspective. I also gained some valuable insight into how my H is feeling. He is pretty good at articulating it, but reading it from a 3rd party was different. I could hear his pain in their posts. I wouldn't recommend our newbies visiting that board, but for those of us looking to take the next step; for those of us who have healed ourselves enough and now need to turn our focus to our Sig O's, the insight is valuable.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
So many life's lessons and advices here that i enjoy digesting it.
ITA, it has been 7.5 years since my A and I have a friend who was betrayed which brought me back to square one with the guilt I feel for sleeping with a MM. I have wished for all these years that I can just tell his W
Hi Dee- thank you for the offer. I will try to repost my thoughts although i am really not that good at expressing myself or my feelings, especially not in writing.
First off - to clarify - i am in NC approaching 4 weeks. I don't even know what the first official day of NC was. i am not interested in going back to the A at all once xAP returns back to work in the next week. My feelings for him are not what they used to be and when i ended it, i knew that, which is why I ended it. It was easier than ever before.
The reason I don't understand the views/ beliefs on here
Sunshine
.
Sunshine,
I'm not feeling very eloquent this morning and you bring up such important points that I hesitate to respond in my dull state... but I'll try. Bear with me.
Granted, a lot of posters here need to vilify the X to help get over the ending hump -- and, heck, they might be correctly labeling X for the first time ever in doing so... but not every Ender feels that way about their X and not every X deserves that label. Mine doesn't. We don't need to make a monster out of the X in order to see that the A and the relationship with the A was flawed and that it contributed to nurturing the worst in both parties. Sure, some As turn into RL relationships -- but that doesn't mean the RL Rs are healthy. Going 'legit' doesn't magically transform the foundation of that R into something worthwhile, solid or even sustainable. Damaged people have RL dysfunctional Rs all the time. So, perhaps _some_ go on to have decent post-A relationships, but what does that matter to you -- you don't want a R with X, so defending that very rare and very tumultuous statistic is not a part of your fight.
I think that at this point in your journey, you need to focus on the "so what" aspect of the ending. Let's just say X loved you and was willing to go legit.... so what? Let's just say there was a real and deep connection between you and that there was genuine love.... so what? Will any of this change the future you want to create for yourself? Project one year into the future. Who do you want to be? What kind of life do you want to have? Now, look at what you need to do and where you need to apply your focus in order to get there. Does any thought or feeling associated with the A or towards X contribute to you getting to that goal? No? Then shuck it.
There are very few universal truths. I think that NC is preached so intensely here because it is a tried and true way of accomplishing a healthy and promising future - free of the toxic residue of the X and the A, irrespective of the quality, intensity, or feelings of the Ender towards the X. If we were to take a survey of the Vets, do you think a single one of them would say that continued contact with the X was beneficial for them or that they would recommend keeping a single tie to the X in place? NC is preached on this board because it works -- like I said, irrespective of the X or the type of A.
What type of healing techniques are you using that are different from what you see here? You said, "I recognize that every person and situation are unique and need different healing techniques and it would be nice to see more of that on here. We don't all fit the same description." I see a lot of variety on this board, is so far as personality types, types of affairs, and ways of dealing with the ending. Yet, with all this difference, I still see the common goal to end our self-induced pain and develop into people who are healthy, self-realized and at peace. The vets and tweeners give the advice that has worked for them. If you're not seeing the advice or mode of encouragement that resonates with your own "personal experience" (as you said), perhaps it is because that none of the vets or tweeners here have had success with the advice you think you want to hear.
I'm a headstrong and bossy little pain... and early on in my ending I come on this board and told the Vets to tell me XY and Z! "I need this" and "I need that". I struggled with NC, with feelings for my X, with the anger and angst other enders had for their Xs.... I kept saying, "yeah, BUT..." Now, 8 months later, I thank God that I was continually, strongly and lovingly guided with the wisdom and experience of the Vets. They have been successful; I, at the time, was NOT. Oh, I get you, Sunshine. I get you in spades. If you think that there are not people on this board who know your 'situation', yah.... no... there are. Me, for one.
All the best,
Dee
"I thank God that I was continually, strongly and lovingly guided with the wisdom and experience of the Vets. They have been successful; I, at the time, was NOT. Oh, I get you, Sunshine. I get you in spades. If you think that there are not people on this board who know your 'situation', yah.... no... there are. Me, for one."
Me too!
I thank the Universe everyday that I found this board and the Vets and tweeners didn't give up on me.
I tried every other method of ending this A - from weaning away slowly without telling him, to 'sure I will work on being friends with you no matter how uncertain the path is' ... only to waste months of potential healing time avoiding the inevitable. I would be 8 months NC instead of 3 right now if I had just faced up to this sad reality.
Thank you Dee for taking the time to write your response. It was crystal clear and as informative as ever.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
<>
If this was a dull state, I'd pay top dollar to read one of your shiny ones. ;-) Awesome post and indeed eloquent, my dear.
<healthy and promising future - free of the toxic residue of the X and the A, irrespective of the quality, intensity, or feelings of the Ender towards the X.>>
And you think correctly. Those who have a hard time with the NC concept are the same ones that continually come back to this board when "their" way isn't working.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~
Pages