tough day
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| Mon, 02-15-2010 - 9:32pm |
Having a tough day. I hope he's happy for ruining my life. I hope he's happy that he squashed my dreams. I hope he's happy that he made me not so naive, and that he opened my eyes to never trust another man again. I hope he's happy he took away every ounce of me.
In the mean time he can go on pretending nothing has happened. His wife continue to support him. His wife continue to cook him meals each day. Continues to shower him with love and affection. She is not at all giving him hell. She is not at all putting him on the street OR attempting to give him a hard time. By all means, it seems like they just go on loving each other more then ever.
God damn piece of crap that he is! How is it that he can ruin so many lives and yet he is still content? Still happy? Life is unfair. I know xAP has no heart. I know he does not have a conscious like the rest of us. He is a sociopath, that is what they are.
How could I trust another man after xAP and reading about all these cheaters on ivillage? I need to take baby steps, one day at a time but when I imagine the days ahead... the cold nights, the thought of being with someone else, starting over, being touched by another... I cringe.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."


Ilost~
First of all, this guy has NOT ruined your life. He hasn't. You have a future ahead of you that is yours to do with it what you will. Right now you are having a really crap time, feeling incredibly down and hopeless. But that will and can change, and you are going to need to put the work in to make that happen. I hope I don't sound like I'm being too harsh here, but you really need to stop wasting all your precious energy on being bitter towards xAP and redirecting that energy back into taking care of yourself and your future. You are worth so much more than this! You deserve so much better - let xAP and his wife live their lives in whatever way they see fit, and the further away that is from you the better. You don't need him, and you don't need all the crap that comes with him!
And by looking at their myspace pages etc etc, that is just personal sabotage (I think I might have read that you stopped doing that?) - you know you may read stuff that could hurt, so the best thing to do is to just not look at them. Ever. At all. I am only just over four weeks NC now, but I have learnt so much during this time. And one of those things is to avoid EVERY possible situation where we may see or have something to do with xAP, in whatever way that may be. Cos you just don't know where you're at in the healing process. For me last week, it was seeing xAP's car parked not far from my house - but if I saw it now, I really don't think it would have the same 'heart stopping' effect on me as it did last week. Cos I know I'm feeling stronger today. But it all takes soooo much work, and I'm planning to never let my guard down, not for a long time anyway.
Ilost...forgive me if I'm wrong here, but you are about 2 months NC now? Or a bit longer? You so deserve to rid yourself of all these bitter, angry feelings towards xAP, and stop wasting this energy on something that you cannot do one thing about now. You did the right thing by ending the A, you know that, but you can't 'let' this loser take control of your life any more. Stand up to him and his crap now!! Say "to hell with you'...thank god I don't have to put up with all your crap anymore!" Then dig deep and every time he comes into your head say "STOP!! NO MORE!" Don't let him take up any more of your head space.
Work on getting YOUR life back my friend - you deserve to love yourself, and be loved by others. But until you let go of all this mud and bitterness that's attached to you from xAP, you're not going to be able to move on and attract the people that you want to have in your life. You are worth so much more than what he would ever have given you, or what he is giving his W.
Big hugs and love Ilost~
xx
Thank you both.
To clarify, I ended the affair Dec. 9th, 2009. I continued communicating with his wife a week after that, but then on Christmas Day, after seeing their Christmas photo's up on her myspace page (we became myspace buddies after D-day, strange I know!). I deleted her and ended all communication with the both of them. But I would occasionally peak at his and her myspace page. Up to when I saw the horrible things he wrote about me, is when I stopped looking, that was Jan. 13th. Since Jan 13th, I have been 'clean' and have not spied on either of their pages.
Bestrong - your name is what I should be! You're absolutely right that I need to refocus my energy. For the most part, I have moved forward and taking some college classes and redirecting my focus, but this week like I said, is hitting me hard. Maybe its' because of Valentine's day? Or the Full Moon? I don't know.
What i mean by he took from is that he took the best of my love.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
((Bestrong)))
Are you sure you are only 4 weeks out? You write like a Vet and everything you said was spot on. ;-)
ILost~
Being single, I relate to your pain and anger, honey, I really do. I felt like that for quite a while after my A ended; how he just went about his merry little way, always talking about his kids and grand kids like I would be really interested. I wasn't. I wanted to smack his mouth shut more times than I can count...but, it also provided me with an entirely new perspective. It allowed me to better understand that I was just an enhancement to his boring little life and nothing more. I had built mountains out of mole-hills in my head that he really needed me. . I had allowed the intimacy we shared to actually mean something between us when in fact it was entertainment for him and nothing more. He always said, "Oh no, it was much more than sex" and I believed him, until I read on other boards that this is one of their favorite lines for keeping us hooked and in the game.
I know it gets lonely, but you have just begun your journey, honey. You have so much more to look forward to, once you can get this man out of your head and heart. It took me almost 2 years, but our A lasted for almost 5, so that's about right on the healing meter. ;-) I started to see him for who he really was, and it was by no means pretty. He uses people, he manipulates people, he lies to people...heck, he's a businessman. He's good at these things. Of course he would also be good at luring in a little action on the side. I was such a fool, and I think most of my healing/anger/remorse was in just trying to forgive myself for being so damn naive.
Hang in there. It will get better. I'm not saying you won't have more down days because you will, but it's all part of purging the pain we brought upon ourselves. You will get past this. It just takes a lot of hard work and patience.
Love and hugs,
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Iddy~
Yes...only four weeks out. Actually, four weeks and two days!!! And counting!! Haha...I remember my first day of NC asking you why it's so important to count those NC days, and now I understand :) It really gives you something to hold on to, and be proud of.
Thank you for your kind words, I don't know about 'sounding like a vet', but I do know that I've come a long way since ending the nightmare. I am feeling much more in control of my life...am I feeling really happy about my future? Not yet, but there are glimmers there! I start my brand new full time job in a week and a half, and I know that's going to be a big turning point. My last job was with xMM (finished last October) so I'm really looking forward to creating new work memories at a different place. The new one is only 5 minutes away from my old workplace so I know I will have to spend some time on thinking about how I will deal with seeing or bumping into xMM. Will get to that next week!
Something that I mentioned a couple of days ago in another post, is that even when I'm feeling 'good', I am trying to be totally aware of where I'm at deep down. For example, if I had seen xMM or anything related to him yesterday or the day before, I think I would have been pretty strong and dealt with it fairly well. However, even though I am still feeling 'ok' today, I think that if anything came up re xMM I think I would have to be super careful as my emotions feel much more fragile. KWIM? Funny thing is, I have actually not laid eyes on him since 12th December and haven't spoken 'with' him since 17th January - last heard his voice nearly two weeks ago. But!!! We must always stay on guard... you never know what may occur!!
Thanks again Iddy - you're an inspiration to myself and so many others....
xx
Iddy,
Thanks girl! I feel much, MUCH better today! I have to keep repeating to myself that *I* am the winner in all of this.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N