tough day
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tough day
| Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:41pm |
I started my nc exactly seven days ago (for about the tenth time). It sucks. SUCKS! I was doing ok until yesterday, when I started to feel like I just had to talk to him, even if it was just to say I miss you and that's it. I know it won't help, so I'm trying to stay strong. I have never been addicted to anything before, I am not enjoying the experience. Why am I so weak??? I miss the feeling of being wanted, my H LOVES me but doesn't WANT me...wish I could have both in one package...
Someone remind me again why it is not good to have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes it is soooo tempting to think I could just continue this way, which is perfectly great with the OM...one for love, one for s*x. I know why...not fair to my H....but god it is so hard, H hasn't touched me in three months. I love him...he's a wonderful man and my best friend...but sometimes that is all.
I know this is all over the place but just had to vent.

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Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige
I hate being an addict, too. And I have to admit, I still really miss the "highs." But when I look back, I really hate the way I lived for each "hit." I always got so high when I was with him, or talking to him, or IMing him -- but immediately afterward would feel down and start craving the next hit. I, too, was never addicted to anything before, and I can't believe how completely I succumbed to this addiction. It was such an unhealthy way to live. I feel like I'm still just in the early stages of rehab, but definitely on the road to recovery!
Although it's at a different level, I can understand why people become addicted to drugs and alcohol. It is the high that you crave and then need when the low hits.
XMM and I work together so I decided it would be best to take some time off from work. I recently told my H about the A. I told my H I need to be away from him to finish sorting everything out. Thankfully I have a wonderful understanding H, a very flexible job and don't have to rely on my income. I've been off 3 weeks already and I don't go back until June. So even though the A ended 7 months ago, it has only been 3 weeks complete NC.
I got an email from a co-worker today and she mentioned something work related about XMM. So all day, I keep thinking there has to be something work related that I can email him about. Well the answer is, No there isn't. Does that feeling ever go away???? I emailed my H at work instead, made it a message with undertones and I'm sure he will like it.
It's not XMM that I miss, it's the high. Taking time off from work and having absolutely NC with XMM is making a tremendous difference. I've been getting my "fix" from my H lately. I find myself missing my H like I use to miss XMM when we are apart.
Who would have ever thought it would be such a never ending process?
The sad part is...I think we probably all knew the heartbreak we were getting ourselves into...but the immediate gratification outweighed the pain (at least at the time).
I've also tried channeling those thoughts and energies into my H instead but somehow it's just not the same....like having an aspirin after you're used to the high of cocaine (I guess...since I've never tried it...ha ha)
As you alluded, it definitely helps somewhat though to realize it's probably not HIM but more the high I got from him wanting me. How completely narcissistic! It really just hit me now as I was writing this...that is what this is all about, narcissism.... God, am I THAT in need of someone to tell me I'm hot? How pitiful!
Re: obsession and why this is so hard. I have been thinking alot about this today. I've posted it here before, but will again, as, it is, the key for me. It's the story about the wobbly bridge.
There was a study done with one stable and one wobbly, rickety bridge crossing a big chasm. One set of people were to walk across the rickety bridge. On the other side, was a normal person--not overly attractive, in fact, they might have been unattractive. The people walking over the rickety bridge faced terrible danger and risk. The walk across the gully was scary. When they got to the other side, many of them felt deep emotional connections with the person on the other side.
The other group, walked across the stable bridge; got easily to the other side; looked at the person standing there waiting for them and simply walked away.
My believe is this is how As go. The emotional connections are so strong, because the risk was so great.
I hope that helps, That, to me, is why these relationships are unlike any others we've ever had. The risk involved was terrifying. My xMM used to tell me that if anyone found out about his feelings for me, his life would be over; his marriage, his job etc. And i would have given up everything in my world to be with him (except, of course, my children; but i was certainly compromising them as i entered into the A).
It's hard to shake, because the emotional connections are so deep, because the intensity of the feelings were magnified by the risk.
Clarice
At first it was really hard to get that same feeling as in the A. It's sort of fun to do little things, H and I were at Bath and Bodyworks one day, testing scents of their aromatherapy line. Just in ear shot of a clerk I said to him, Too bad you're wife doesn't like this massage oil as well as we do. I thought he was going to fall over. I had such a great laugh in the car on the way home.
What also helped and it just happened to work out this way. H had a conference in Hawaii so we went just the 2 of us. Having alone time was just what we needed and we made every second count. Lots of times while we were out walking around I would say something really inappropriate to him around other people. One night we were walking past a couple who were seated on a bench and as we passed I said to him that I was really glad his W couldn't make it on the trip. You should have seen the look we got from those people. Stuff like that really adds a lot of spice to an 18 year old marriage. Last weekend when the kids were all outside playing, I told him we should make-out like teenagers and boy was that fun. Just take the A stuff and apply it to real life.
Am I making any sense here? It probably sounds like I'm insane, but I'm really not.
PS. where do get the dictionary of initials for words. ie. xMM, etc
He hasn't answered my note and it kills me, the feeling of not hearing back from him.
I appreciate everyones answers to this, and it's good to know that many people have the same experience.
Thanks...
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