tough day

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
tough day
16
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:41pm
I started my nc exactly seven days ago (for about the tenth time). It sucks. SUCKS! I was doing ok until yesterday, when I started to feel like I just had to talk to him, even if it was just to say I miss you and that's it. I know it won't help, so I'm trying to stay strong. I have never been addicted to anything before, I am not enjoying the experience. Why am I so weak??? I miss the feeling of being wanted, my H LOVES me but doesn't WANT me...wish I could have both in one package...

Someone remind me again why it is not good to have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes it is soooo tempting to think I could just continue this way, which is perfectly great with the OM...one for love, one for s*x. I know why...not fair to my H....but god it is so hard, H hasn't touched me in three months. I love him...he's a wonderful man and my best friend...but sometimes that is all.

I know this is all over the place but just had to vent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: ischmuck
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:46am
As I've shared on this board previously, I AM an addict - complete with full-blown addict tendencies. I can get addicted to anything - drugs and alcohol being the most obvious but that's a genetic disease (I come from a long line of drunks!). As we say, anything worth doing is worth overdoing!

I think there's one more piece of the A that we're overlooking. It's not just the excitement and "high" that we get from sneaking around and "living dangerously." These A's obviously filled some void in our lives. At the most fundamental levels, that's what all addicts are seeking - to fill a void. The important thing about ending the A is not just to put a band-aid over the wound, white-knuckle NC and hope like heck it doesn't happen again. We need to figure out why in the world it happened the first time.

I posted in response to the "craving excitement" message that normal people don't need to have this kind of excitement in their lives. Normal people don't go out and cause harm, as having an A undeniably does, just to get their own "high." We need to be proactive and not just hope we don't find ourselves repeating the same situation in the future. We need to figure out what the A provided that our regular lives don't. Me, I've been working hard on that issue and have been able to gain some insight. In my case it's pretty complicated, but I'm willing to bet that every poster on this board is a pretty complicated thinker. It's the nature of all addictive behavior - regardless of whether its being addicted to As, sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, chocolate, work, you name it. (Gee, that list reminds me of that song from the Sound of Music - "My Favorite Things." Anyway...)

The only way to address the desire to break NC and to truly end the A is to do it minute by minute. Everytime we get a "craving," thing about what FEELING you're craving. In most cases, that's what we got from the A - good feelings. Feeling better about ourselves, feeling freer, feeling younger. I'm raising a handicapped child, and the feeling I got from my A was an escape from the difficulty of my day-to-day life. When I was with my OMM, I "forgot" that I had an incredibly sick child at home. I felt younger, less "weighted" by the challenges my DS6 brings. That's the feeling I wanted to keep going. At some point in my recovery from active addiction, however, I learned through the 12-steps how to handle those issues and satisfying that feeling became something I could do on my own - without OMM.

A little deep, maybe, but my .02 on addiction... Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: ischmuck
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:15pm
Wow, what an interesting way to look at it. I too have an addictive personality. I have alwayed stayed clear of drugs because of this. I was a smoker and now I am a gum chewer. If it's not one thing it's another.

I totally see how this fits into having an A. My whole life I have been what I considered a line follower. I always do what was right, didn't break any rules etc. The excitement of stepping off the line was what had me hooked the minute I took the first step.

Boy, does this put a lot into perspective. Thanks for this insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ischmuck
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 4:49pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ischmuck
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 4:56pm

Here is another page of acronyms that might be closer to this board. Meme's List of Acronyms

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
In reply to: ischmuck
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:18pm
You poor thing. Life is so unjust. I'm sure you did nothing wrong. The sun'll come up tomorrow. Try to keep smiling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: ischmuck
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 12:51pm
talked to him on the phone yesterday, which was nice at the time. of course it made it worse and I miss him even more now. heartbreak + guilt on top of it...god, how did I get into this mess!!!

back to the drawing board. NC starting today....?? arggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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