tough day
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tough day
| Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:41pm |
I started my nc exactly seven days ago (for about the tenth time). It sucks. SUCKS! I was doing ok until yesterday, when I started to feel like I just had to talk to him, even if it was just to say I miss you and that's it. I know it won't help, so I'm trying to stay strong. I have never been addicted to anything before, I am not enjoying the experience. Why am I so weak??? I miss the feeling of being wanted, my H LOVES me but doesn't WANT me...wish I could have both in one package...
Someone remind me again why it is not good to have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes it is soooo tempting to think I could just continue this way, which is perfectly great with the OM...one for love, one for s*x. I know why...not fair to my H....but god it is so hard, H hasn't touched me in three months. I love him...he's a wonderful man and my best friend...but sometimes that is all.
I know this is all over the place but just had to vent.

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I think there's one more piece of the A that we're overlooking. It's not just the excitement and "high" that we get from sneaking around and "living dangerously." These A's obviously filled some void in our lives. At the most fundamental levels, that's what all addicts are seeking - to fill a void. The important thing about ending the A is not just to put a band-aid over the wound, white-knuckle NC and hope like heck it doesn't happen again. We need to figure out why in the world it happened the first time.
I posted in response to the "craving excitement" message that normal people don't need to have this kind of excitement in their lives. Normal people don't go out and cause harm, as having an A undeniably does, just to get their own "high." We need to be proactive and not just hope we don't find ourselves repeating the same situation in the future. We need to figure out what the A provided that our regular lives don't. Me, I've been working hard on that issue and have been able to gain some insight. In my case it's pretty complicated, but I'm willing to bet that every poster on this board is a pretty complicated thinker. It's the nature of all addictive behavior - regardless of whether its being addicted to As, sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, chocolate, work, you name it. (Gee, that list reminds me of that song from the Sound of Music - "My Favorite Things." Anyway...)
The only way to address the desire to break NC and to truly end the A is to do it minute by minute. Everytime we get a "craving," thing about what FEELING you're craving. In most cases, that's what we got from the A - good feelings. Feeling better about ourselves, feeling freer, feeling younger. I'm raising a handicapped child, and the feeling I got from my A was an escape from the difficulty of my day-to-day life. When I was with my OMM, I "forgot" that I had an incredibly sick child at home. I felt younger, less "weighted" by the challenges my DS6 brings. That's the feeling I wanted to keep going. At some point in my recovery from active addiction, however, I learned through the 12-steps how to handle those issues and satisfying that feeling became something I could do on my own - without OMM.
A little deep, maybe, but my .02 on addiction... Love, Mo.
I totally see how this fits into having an A. My whole life I have been what I considered a line follower. I always do what was right, didn't break any rules etc. The excitement of stepping off the line was what had me hooked the minute I took the first step.
Boy, does this put a lot into perspective. Thanks for this insight.
Common shorthand used on boards and in chats
Here is another page of acronyms that might be closer to this board. Meme's List of Acronyms
back to the drawing board. NC starting today....?? arggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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