tough day, but still strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
tough day, but still strong
7
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:12pm
For some reason many things today are making me think of my XOM. I need to get my mind off him. So I turn to you all -- instead of a question, I give you this list. Think of it like the "10 Commandments of Getting that Guy Out of Your Head."

1. The relationship you have in an EMA is not real. We feel the desire, the adrenaline rush, and the ego trip of having this guy pay attention to us and make us feel alive and "loved." We want to talk to him every day and are melancholy if we don't. What we don't see is the "real life" aspect of this guy! We don't see his dirty underwear and his annoying habits. This isn't real love and it's not real life.

2. When we are married to someone, we get the good with the bad, and that's part of life. Marriage takes work and commitment; EMAs are empty and unfulfilling when you really examine them. We should be pouring the time and energy it has taken us to maintain our EMA and put it into our relationship with our H.

2. There was an empty spot in our life when the potential for the EMA came along. Otherwise we wouldn't have taken the bait. We need to find that empty spot and fill it in so no other EMAs can ever invade again.

3. Exercise is our friend. Aerobic activity does all kinds of fantastic things for our bodies, but it also improves our mood. It does wonders to lessen the effects of temporary depression. No matter what shape you are in, you can do something! Anyone can walk and almost anyone can bike (indoor cycling classes are very effective and anyone can do them). Elevate your heart rate 3x a week for at least 30 minutes and you will feel surprisingly better (and this is a great way to fill up that time you used to spend with XOM!)

4. Same goes for nutrition. Downing a bag of chocolate chip cookies, no matter how gooey and delicious they are, won't do anything but give you a temporary chcolate satisfaction and extra weight. Drink lots of water and eat right, and your mood will improve (I know about this cookie thing firsthand).

5. This one is for the people who have a hard time when the days get shorter (all of us to some extent). Many people get the blues this time of year because they are exposed to less sunlight. As the days get shorter, we may be going to work and coming home in the dark. Sunlight makes our mood happier. Take some time during the day to go outside or sit by a window.

6. No contact is the only way to make a clean break. Period. Many of us have experienced the difficult and emotional "first week of no contact." It does get better. Really Stick with it because it's the only way to improve things.

7. Get some counseling to help you sort through your feelings. Despite what I have said to others on this board, I have never been a big believer in IC, at least until now. I still don't believe in long term counseling, unless there are clinical issues involved, but anyone who is going through what we are going through needs some help to organize our thoughts and to find the questions we need to ask ourselves in order to move on with our lives.

8. There was a reason that we married our Hs. Try to remember what those reasons were. Work on getting back some of the magic (it's never going to be as exciting as the thrill you get from an EMA, but remember--THAT ISN'T REAL). You have been putting a lot of effort into your EMA; isn't it time to put that same effort into your marriage? And if your marriage can't be fixed any longer, then put that energy into getting to know yourself.

9. Each of us is beautiful, strong and smart. We have power inside of us to do incredible things. Some of us have high-power careers or very demanding jobs. Some of us have children. Some of us take care of a household, do volunteer work, or take care of aging parents. If we can do all that, we can do anything. We do not need any other person to convince us of this, espcially an XOM. We are strong enough to have a conversation with our XOM (in our minds of course, not in person, since that would break NC) and say: "I do not need you anymore. What we did was wrong and was a misuse of our time and energy. I will have a lovely life without you. Goodbye."

10. Visit this board often. One of the reasons that 12 step programs work for other addictions is because of the network of support. Use this board often to help yourself regain your strength.

************************

Thanks for letting give myself some therapy today. I am thankful to each of you for sharing your stories and your challenges. Just knowing others are going through the same things has been incredibly powerful to me. Keep the faith, everyone :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:07pm
Thanks for the post. I'm going to save this one.

I had a question, for those of you in counselling, how does it work? Do you pay or does insurance cover it? ANd what do you tell your H? My H does not believe in Therapy and thinks i don't have any problems, and i can't tell him why i want to go.

Twilight

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:22pm
What an AWESOME post, FreeFromHim!!!!!!!!

I know you have inspired LOTS of us today! Thanks so much!
Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:22pm
I am glad you liked the post -- I am going to keep it too--I need it almost every day :-)

I am aware of several ways to find effective counseling:

1. If you have health insurance, find out from your plan provider if counseling is covered. Sometimes it will only be covered if you are referred by your primary care physician. Somtimes it is only covered if you go to certain providers, mainly psychologists on your health plan's provider list.

2. Sometimes companies offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs). The employer pays for them, but they don't get any information back about who uses them (I work in human resources so I am pretty familiar with these plans). No one else has access to the records either -- very confidential (that's where I would start if you have such a plan available to you through your employer or your spouse's employer).

3. Depending on your income, you may be eligible for a discounted rate at a non-profit counseling organization. Check with your local United Way for the names of some of those services.

4. Otherwise there is the regular pay-as-you-go method. Find a reputable counselor (with at least a Masters Degree and a number of years of experience). Check with your physician or with the United Way for names. If your physician is part of a larger group, there may be a nurse referral line that you can call for some names.

good luck :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 10:28pm
Thank you so much for the wonderful post. You're so right & I can so relate to so many on your list. I will read it again tomorrow morning to give me strength in getting myself thru another day!

:) Blue-eyed

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 11:40pm
great great great post. great list. every single item you listed hit completely home for me.

how do such smart, interesting, sexy women get ourselves into such wasteful, self-hating places? Sometimes, I just stop and think, what the heck happened to me for 3 years? I wasn't married during my A with an MM, but I had so much potential for a real relationship. Why did I waste so many years that way?

Your post has a lot of insight into this. It's stuff I've thought but never articulated so clearly, in such detail, all in one great list.

I agree it's an addiction! I consider myself an "affair survivor" and 18 mos. "affair free" -- take heart ladies, keep up the good work and you'll be on the other side looking back and reflecting -- "what the heck was I thinking?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 8:01am
I am so glad you guys got something positive from this :-)

I wrote that list for self-therapy, but helping others helps even me more -- it's so therapeutic!!!

Remember that it's always easier to give advice to others than to tell yourself the very same things, but I figure that the more I write on this board, the faster I will internalize all this stuff.

Have a great day, everyone :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 8:21am
Thank you for the great post! I still havent quite figured out what sent me in this direction and gosh who would have thought it was such a torturous process to pull yourself out of this mess.

Your therapeutic words are helpful for more than just you so thank you!