tough day today
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tough day today
| Tue, 03-01-2005 - 9:10pm |
I've been doing really well so today is a bit of a setback. I had to go to the dentist which involves driving by his house. So I looked in and of course his van was there but I didn't see anything else. It's like there's no movement in his house. Same thing when I came home, no movement, no lights. I like others wonder if he ever wonders about me at all. When his wife left, she cancelled the internet so I know he's not on messenger. I'm obsessed I know. I am trying to get him out of my head. I know I deserve better and I know it will only be a matter of time before I find someone who will make me truly happy. I'm not sad to the point of crying but there's questions not answered and I want to know for sure somehow,that he is suffering too. I know the wife hasn't gone back, she wouldn't be stocking him if she was back. But I want to know that he has regrets. I want to know that he has thought to himself, sh*t, what did I just do? I pushed away the best thing that has ever happened to me besides my son. The one friend who knows everything that happened was having an affair at the same time as us and we used to say how they would never make it b/c they argued all the time. We would laugh together and say how we complete each other and we always talked about issues, never argued. I'm sure it was just an act, but he really seemed like he opened up to me. He would tell me when he was scared and happy and we would talk about life and what we wanted out of it. He told me on Jan 1 that he felt he was holding me back from reaching my full potential. Yes maybe if I were single all along I wouldn't be living here but I am here and leaving is not an option right now. My father lives with me b/c he cannot live alone, too sick. He will never leave this community, never. He would die alone in his house first. I am his only family. This isn't a 'need' issue on my part, he really doesn't have any other family. It would be so nice right now to hear the phone ring and it would be him. Please someone tell me that someday he will tell me he has regrets leaving me, especially the way he did it. I thought we were going to make it. They say only 5% of R from A actually last and I thought we were part of that %. Why did he get so upset with me when I said I wouldn't move in with him in April if he knew he was having second thoughts about me and him? Then when he did leave me, when he would drive by my house for the first week he would toot his horn to say hi. Was the guilt of leaving his family too much? If so, why did he have to say he didn't love me anymore? Why did he have to say, 'I thought the grass was greener but maybe it's not?' I told him not to compare our brief 2 months of actual in the open dating to his 16 years of misery. Then later he told me he got caught up in it all and that he didn't know who he was when he was having the A with me. My friend works close with MM and he said he believes he did love me and that we would have gotten back together if I had not told the wife about the others. As much as I miss him, I can't go back there. I would never trust that he wouldn't do that to me again. I really think also that maybe his wife was right, maybe he did cheat on me when we were together but I really believe he would have if we did stay together. My friend said that at first MM stopped looking but he started looking again about a month before this happened. He said he didn't tell me b/c we still seemed so happy together. Friend said he would pace and wait by the phone for me to call or go visit him at work. Tell me i'm a fool. Tell me again why this was toxic and how I should only loath him. It's the addiction right? I hope tomorrow is a better day. Better spirits tomorrow.
Thanks for listening. I don't know what I would do without this board.
Heart-broken LilRocket

rocket,
me too, yesterday and today are the 2 most stressful day in my life so far, worst than being shot at, i could not even fight back on this on
stay strong, im so tired that i wish my mind and my heart would be in synch so i can move on
dont forget to eat so u wont get sick,
max
I know there will be tough times and today is better already. Just found out my ex H's gf is taking him for a financial ride. Should I tell him, it's hard I don't want him to think I'm being mean but he is a good man and doesn't deserve that either. The gf is bragging how she gets mad at him for something and he buys her tons of stuff. He's not well off so he doesn't have the money to do this. Anyway, I hope he is happy but he can't be like that.
As for me, the MM is bad news and I need to keep reminding myself of that. I read a post here somewhere about how having an A suppresses who you are but I can't find it. It was right on and I would love to copy it so I can read it often.
LilRocket