tough morning

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
tough morning
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 1:21pm
I could use some help friends. My last post is reflective of the direction I am going in and I will bounce back from this but I need my eas friends right now. I can't seem to stop the tears. I am NC with xap but LC with his w. Without being too revealing, I will just say that she contacted me about purchasing something I made. It is something that X admired before the ending and fortunately, he did not use it as a fishing tool but apparently he mentioned it to his wife. She came to my work today with the baby and I was okay. I took comfort knowing the baby is so loved and cared for without me being a distraction..And I was also grateful to see w looking so happy and my old mantra is indeed true...everyone is where they should be. I am struggling though because I am changing so much for the better but I am still carrying around this anchor of regret. I wish so much that I could have kept my "clean record" that I worked my whole life for. I wish so much I didn't feel the sting of my betrayal even now after months and months of hard work. I feel overwhelmed by the permanency of some aspects of the A. I know it is a small price to pay compared to a d-day but i often feel like I have layers of personal d-days that feel almost as horrifying. I just don't know who I was. I don't know why I slipped into that seedy side of myself with such disregard for others and for my own life..I struggle with forgiveness. Forgiving myself, him, my frailness sometimes. I don't want to hate the person I was because I do know how it happened. I do know that I am still strong despite the fact that I weakened and couldn't cope. I do take responsibility. I am moving forward and doing good things with my life. Today I am just feeling overwhelmed by a lot of emotions that I am not sure I even have words for. My whole life I have tried to push away the dysfunctional past I come from. I have worked HARD to have a healthy long term m and happy well-adjusted kids. We aren't problem free but we have always been drama-free. For the most part, I have achieved my dream until I hit the wall with this A. It has been my unraveling and in a strange way, I feel like all that bottled up dysfunction came roaring out in the form of an A. It wasn't about destiny, soul-mates, love, or what's meant to be. It was about putting a crappy bandaid on a love-starved ego. It was about proving that I have power in my lovability. It was about hanging on to a friend with that power and keeping his attention on me. It was about a little kid that still lives in me who needed a lot of TLC from the grown up side of me but I was so "together" and strong, I could handle.a little flirting. Going NC is a brutal way to rip off the bandaid but it is the only way to let those wounds get some air and heal. I guess sometimes you bump into something, though and it's got to bleed a little more. Thanks for listening. I do feel a little better now. Love you guys


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 1:39pm
Goodheart, the last few lines of this post are amazing. You may not see it yourself but you are growing *so much*. I am very blessed in that I get to talk to you almost every single day (and have withdrawals when I don't) and I *know* what a good heart you have.

It's normal to struggle with the guilt and shame of having used an A as a coping mechanism, of having let a friendship cross the line. What matters most is what you do with that.

In your case, you have done a ton of work about your voids around your childhood and in your M. You *did* take yourself out of the picture so that "everyone could be were they are supposed to be". And you have stayed gone, despite numerous and frequent triggers.

You totally have this, you do. And you have brought so much to this board and to my life in particular.

It's OK to have a day were you feel "off the rails". You'd be inhuman if you didn't. And you are about as human, in a beautiful, strong, and vulnerable way, as they come.

love to you as always
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 1:46pm
(((((HUGS))))) to you. Your post was so insightful, and depsite the pain and intense emotions you continue to struggle through, you posted here for support. You knew you would have it. ;) What you said at the end of your post is an amazing way to describe what NC truly is...<<>> We have all struggled through our endings to go NC - to truly be committed to follow through with it. To let the wounds heal...when I first posted here and read about NC, my first thought was "how mean! I could never do that to my dear friend!" i have discovered how much of a gift NC has really been.
Being LC is another tough spot to be in. And it has got to be incredibly tough to be in that spot with xap's W. Hang in there, Goodheart. You truly have a good heart. I can see it. :) forgiveness is another really tough piece. It is tough to offer it to ourselves, especially when we see the horrible actions we participated in. Please remember this - and I will say this over and over again to those who are in the midst of struggling - you are MORE than the sum of your past mistakes. You are worthy of forgiveness, Goodheart. You are taking the time to dig deep within yourself and though the wounds are far from being completely healed, they are in the process. You are doing a great work in your journey. Thank you so much for posting your struggles here so we can lift you up. It is such a blessing to have this community.

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 2:32pm

Hey GH,
I know I'm new here, but when I read your post I just had to comment. I'm sorry you are having a rough day. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have to deal with xAP's wife. I'd probably just dig a hole and crawl in so kudos to you for being so strong in that situation.

Your posts have inspired me so much. Especially "As good as it gets". I want that. I want to be content like that. I don't want to need the ups and downs. I think that is what we all strive for, to be content in the little mundane moments. It was very beautifully written and I just wanted you to know that even during your tough morning you helped brighten a newbie's day. :smileyhappy:

By the way "As Good as It Gets" was the first movie me and my husband saw together so even the title brought back fond memories. :smileyvery-happy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 3:02pm

Hi Love.

Your post brings up so many things I'd like to comment on so excuse me if I jump around.

First, thank you for posting this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 3:09pm
Aw Lulu, you are amazing. That was a beautiful, beautiful post.
Like you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 3:11pm


I'm glad you came here and poured it all out...and now feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 5:10pm

Lulu and Clarity are spot on. You are not that person anymore and your posts have shown such great growth and insight that you will never be that person again. The past is done. You accept your part in this and you are moving forwards. Please don't continue to berate yourself and feel ashamed. You are more than worthy of your own firgiveness.

Clarity is right in that xAPs W has started another tailspin. LC does this. But you have handled it like a pro.

You are a beautiful and gracious soul. I am proud to know you my friend.

All my love

Yellow xc

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 5:14pm
Thank you for the beautiful thoughts and words. Just what the doctor ordered and now I can dust off and get back to work....tomorrow! Still need to wallow for a bit. Thank you Rainie, for the reminder to just sit with it and let it pass. You know just what to say to me and I love love love you.
Lulu, your post is a keeper. Really, it should be in the HL it is so moving and supportive. I do remember the day you went to confession and I remember feeling my first wave of forgiveness through that. I will get there again with help from friends like you. Love you in big bunches.
Hearts, what an honor to have you reply on your first day as CL. I have always been touched by your posts and today was no different. Thank you and I am so looking forward to having you as our guide.
Tennis Girl, How nice to hear from you and I am grateful for your kind words. You have a warm way about you that will be very welcome on this.board..I am glad you have joined and I don't think I have squeezed you yet so here (((squeeze))).
Clarity, you are the best as always. I still often think of you as my favorite Claripist. I love your humor and your insights. Thank you for being there for me and for the hugs. Even thouh I am not very moveforwardish today, you are right that I will get over this bump just like last time. XXOO
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 5:16pm
Yellowone thank you Sweetheart! You are an angel and merging into our LC champ!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 6:37pm
GH, you threw me a lifeline early on in my ending ... I am sorry life led you here, but so glad you were there when I needed you. Everyone was where they were supposed to be ...