Tough night...I want him to contact me
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| Tue, 12-15-2009 - 11:35pm |
Had a great day, I felt so high. I forgot about MM for a good part of the day. I sung in the shower, but my high is gone and i am hurting tonight, I normally hurt in the am....tough night, I realize I want him to contact me. I know that is against everything, I want to ignore it. and I will. I am pretty confident in that. I just think I need to know he is thinking of me, longing for me or something...I want to know he misses me. I am almost 2 weeks NC, but tonight is esp hard for me. I am not going to break it, promise, but I wish he would. I guess I need a ego boost. I know I suck, but I am being so honest. I want to hear from him.....but I want to ignore it and have a small victory. please tell me this is normal and will go away...
I just wish I knew he was hurting some way too.
But it should not matter, I should matter, I want him to want me and I want to reject and ignore. WHY??
I feel like i am having a set back. Hope tomorrow is a good one again...
please help, yell at me if you have to...
i will snap back....just need some support

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Hi Sienna,
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That is just ego talking. Chances are it strokes your ego if you think he cares one way or another. Our value is not placed on if xAP is or isn't thinking about us today, tomorrow or any other time.
I cannot speak for yours but I can be fairly sure that my xAP is not thinking about me or missing me tonight. I doubt even during A that he had those thoughts. I think most days his thoughts went something like this. Is she going to give it up to me today? If yes, then I will text or email her. If no, then I will move on to something that matters to me today.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
sienna,
I know it's hard. I felt that way today. I felt that way while I was in the A and I feel that way even though we broke up 2 weeks ago. Just started NC though. I believe my XAP loves and cares for me even though he is a douchebag.
I felt like I wanted him to call and just leave a message saying that he loves me and misses me terribly. I dont look at it as ego boost. I think you just keep thinking about how much of your heart and soul you put into the R and you want to know if at least the feelings they had were true. The mornings at first were very hard for me. I felt so depressed in the mornings that I didnt even want to get out the bed. I'm starting to feel better. I dont think you are abnormal. I've been there and still am at times.
Be strong. I know you wont break NC. I feel like you are a strong woman. You dont need his contact. I'm speaking to myself as i write this. Hang in there. I'm here for you. HUGS. Take a deep breath and try to calm yourself. It will be ok.
I
Is this the sociopath you were describing in another post? You want THAT person to contact you? No, I don't think so. I think you're probably like me and just want some validation that you meant something to him. It won't matter though and you can't trust that whatever he says is the truth anyway. Whenever I'm feeling like I want contact, I try to think of some of the reasons it shouldn't occur. How it really won't make a difference in the outcome of the affair. I mean, we want OUT, right? We don't want to stay on this crazy emotional rollercoaster. It wasn't making us feel good really.
Just keep posting and reading here when you get those feelings and soon you'll be counting the MONTHS of NC.
good luck,
ND4MLK
I know...i think I want some sort of validation. i guess its because i did not know about the marriage for so long, i thought he was mine, i thought i was in a real relationship. I thought i had a special guy who I was going to have a future with. I really thought my relationship was going somewhere. the fact he is married and hit me like a mack truck, the fact that he had a newborm baby, hurt to my core, esp when i found out I was pregnant. We stopped using condoms, we planned a future.
It may be ego, but I probably want to know if any of it was real at all. Any of it. Can they reallly fake whole relationships? We spent nights together for months and months. I do not know if I am mourning a fake relationship, affair or both.
I guess i just wanted to know if any of it was real and that is what is getting to me, and I know, ladies I know it should not matter....but right now it does. I hope it does not soon, but it does now.
I was really in love with someone who I thought was single. and was going to be with me. But the pain after I found out about the wife was heart wrenching. and he was willing to turn me into his thing on the side....this hurts too. he kept telling me he was leaving her, I did not ever believe him, I let him go.
and I know that was best...I hope this questions subside and do not matter soon, but I wonder what is on his mind, and I realize, regardless, it would not change a thing. he is still married and still deals with a slew of others as well.
just a tough night. i am at a point where it is unbearable, i can now relate to the other posters, that say they can barely function, but for my kids, i would be a total mess. i probably wont get out of bed. Today is pressing me hard. I am not going to break NC. I am just hurting more so than the other days. maybe its because things are setting in. is this what you guys call fog?
Just on me today and I am trying to shake it off....
Oh Siennajaden, I wish I could tell you something that really helps but I don't :( I am still feeling depressed myself and I hope it won't take much longer, and then I can tell you how I got over it.
You never made lists with things he hurt you with, right? I have lots of them and I think I will read them all again. Were you the one
worried about someone finding them? I can't remember.
I always save them in my secret email. Nobody can read it there.
Big hug
Htgo
Hey Siennajaden,
I am glad you are feeling a little better today.
You can do it :-)
hugs
HTGO
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Hi Sienna,
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<< I guess i just wanted to know if any of it was real and that is what is getting to me, and I know, ladies I know it should not matter....but right now it does. I hope it does not soon, but it does now.>>
Bear with me as I sidetrack a little to say that in Switzerland they have a huge machine that scientists have built to smash atoms. Some scientists have dedicated their lives to this project and they “hope” to determine from experiments if what they believe happened after the big bang is accurate. (IMHO the big bang was God snapping his fingers.)
Anyway, they also believe that some microscopic black holes may be created when they perform the experiments. They further believe (and Steve Hawkins also believes) that these black holes will dissipate and will not grow to eventually suck in all matter around them…including the earth. It makes me wonder if it is really worth the risk of doing these experiments if it could create something that could eventually destroy the earth.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
hello all,
thx for all your feedback and responses. I have now gotten thru 2 weeks of NC and I must say it does get a bit better. I have my moments, I think of him often, I do. But I have also gotten very good at redirectling those thoughts. I have also actually prayed that man out of my life, thoughts etc...
I am starting to forget what he even felt like....and that is helpful. It hurts, but I know I am healing too. And i am smiling, cuz I know I deserve to. Winters are tough on a break up. I am already looking for Spring...by then I will be a tweener and be a big girl....LOL
thanks again, today seems good, please stay with me on this road. I am realizing I am hurting for more than several reasons, the pregnancy, the relationship i thought was real etc...realizing it was a lot to deal with all at once....and I have done pretty well. So I am going to pat myself on the back today and exhale and hope for more good days and pray i am completely released and healed as soon as God sees fit.
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