TOUGH Weekend

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
TOUGH Weekend
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 10:45am

I had a crazy thing happen to me this weekend. 

My H and I went to a Gala saturday night, got all dressed up, etc.  Had a wonderful time!  We picked my girlfriend up who was meeting her date at the Gala (another dear friend).  My girlfriend lives two blocks from XAP's new house and we had to pass his house on the way.  His place looks great, they have already done some very nice landscaping, etc.  It was tough to see.

It gets better.  After we picked her up and went back by his house, there he was.  Walking right towards us, walking through his yard, with his dog.  It all happened so fast and so freaked me out.  We made eye contact.  He just stopped and stared. My H was driving and my girlfriend was in the back seat.  My H didn't see him, my girlfriend did (she knows of the A).  It was so hard to see him! 

 It unnerved me, made me feel very sad.  Sad that he's going on with his life and I cannot be a part of it or share any of it.  And, believe me, it looks great from over here!  Lovely home and neighborhood.  He's clearly spending a lot of money.  So funny-my H and I used to live in that neighborhood many years ago, before it went up in value so highly.

 But I have to keep going.  I have to let this go.  Yesterday was a long, tough day.  I find myself looking for an email from him and I'm a bit surprised that he has not contacted me.  In the past, he has contacted me after seeing me somewhere.  But I know that it is for the best.  I do know that, but it’s hard today.

 But here's what struck me.  It could be that he is not contacting me this time because he saw me with my H. In the past, he's always seen me alone.  Make any sense?  In other words, when it’s just "he and I" in the fantasy world, he pursues. But bring in either his W or my H, and reality sinks in.

 I know I'm doing the right thing; I know I did the right thing by ending it, disappearing and ignoring all his attempts to contact me.  And maybe he’s not contacting me this time because he finally got it and/or doesn’t want to be “rejected” again.

I don't know.....thoughts?  In my heart, I know it doesn’t really matter, but I am just…..sad today.  As I said, yesterday was tough, as is this morning.  Feeling pretty blue........


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: sunrise
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:16am

Sorry (((Sunrise))) that you got the blues.

I know we can't help it when the blues strick, but we can banish them by being grateful for what we have...for where we are today...reminding ourselves what we stood to lose.  I mean, You're moving on with your life, right?  Attending gala affairs and having a wonderful time, with your husband, and two dear friends, right?  Don't let his green grass fool's external appearances.

And before I is it that you are looking for an email...isn't that avenue blocked for your own protection?

I think you are on the money about him seeing your husband in black and white.  I've heard that a lot.  During an affair, we don't allow ourselves to bring the betrayed spouses or children into focus, but when we actual see them, reality is driven home.  

How about making out a 'gratitude list' usually helps banish those blues when we remind ourselves what we are grateful for today.

And back to that email...hah, you thought I forgot.  Why is it that an email could come through for you to read?







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
In reply to: sunrise
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:35am
Hi Sunrise 
Sorry your in the middle of a rough patch. I know that familiar feeling of driving past with DH ouch! not a good feeling. We also never ever spoke of it when it happened, not ever. I can really identify with how you are feeling Hun. If I remember corrrctly your XAP lavished you with gifts and had an abundance of money? Hope Im not confusing your story with someone elses. That aside, it doesnt matter what side of town he lives, how landscaped his gardens are. My XAp is semi-retired and extremly wealthy but he would trade it all to have what I have, a partner who loves me, children, a family life. And he told me that lots of times. My point is sunrise that it might look the pretty picture but whether it is or isnt doesnt concern us any more. His landscaped gardens will mean squat if he isnt happy in his M. You must focus on what you have and how enriched your life is with what you have. Pretty landscaped gardens wont ever compare to you and your DH listening to childrens peals of laughter at something trivial. 

I cant not ask why hun are you looking for an email? How can he send you one? You have blocked havn't you? You've come such a long way - don't jepordise it now. It's bound to be un-nerving seeing him, thats all this is. Stay focused on the plan in hand and get those landscaped gardens outta your head.  Im fixated with landscaped gardens! LOL! Hope you feel better soon....

Sunny Soon Xxx
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
In reply to: sunrise
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:39pm


I'm sorry your feeling blue from accidently seeing his house and garden, then him.  Homes and gardens are like facebook, its not real, just a pretty cover-up.  The inside of my home has the very lived in look of a family with happy active young kids.  Ummm.... so does the garden and I love gardenning :smileywink:

I'm not sure if you couldnt block e-mails because he was getting through work e-mail or some other reason.  If there's a way you can block or have his email rerouted to your supervisor or something else you can do, do it.

I do remember that your xAP was a persistant fisher and you my dear Sunrise are just an amazing ignorer.  Perhaps you got used to his fishing and although fishing attempts are yucky, they somehow provided you some external validation, that he still wanted you?  When looking for that e-mail from him, maybe you are unconciously looking for that external validation? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 5:44pm

Thank you for your words today ladies.

He has only been able to get through on my work email.

Yes, a gratitude list is in order!  And, I know, his pretty yard and big house and pretty dog are just "show".  Clearly, he isn't that happy in his M if he continues to pursue someone outside the M.  The last time we had contact he went on and on about how much he loved me.

And, yes, maybe in spite of myself, all those fishing attempts kept me feeling validated, not abandoned or rejected.  So maybe the reality of it being over is really hitting me.  Which is what I wanted and needed to have happen.  But it still can punch you right in the gut when you finally feel it.

Thank you again.  I haven't felt this down about all this in a long time.  Just need to ride it out.....