toxic

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
toxic
7
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 1:40pm

As I try to get through every second today, I am really trying to stop idolizing this man that I gave 7 1/2 years of my life to. I briefly looked at the toxic relationships board and printed the list of 25 ways to tell if your relationship is toxic. I always felt that for the past several years that things were not the way they should be.

I can't believe that I was able to circle 16 things that apply to us completely and 5 more that were borderline. WOW. The most destructive and the most confusing to me has to be the jealousy and control. I never understood if he was so afraid of losing me to someone else, why he didn't leave his W? The memories and feelings of mental abuse just keep washing over me right now. And yet, why do I feel like I failed? Like "if I could just make him see the light, everything would be OK". That is what has been so frustrating. The "if onlys". My life feels so incredible empty right now. But I know that there at least is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 4:44pm
The mental abuse that you experienced will make you believe that you're missing out on something from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 4:55pm

Thank you so much Chillistar. It is comforting to know we are not alone. I'm sorry you're going through it too. I have felt like I'm totally nuts half the time.

Right now if all feels a little surreal. Part of me can't believe I ever got myself in this situation, part of me can't believe I'm posting here, part of me feels like he's a figment of my imagination and doesn't really exist since we haven't spoken for a few days.

I wonder if he'll contact me at all this week. I wonder if he'll contact me when he gets back. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder what was real.

I hope I have the strength to not go back to the hell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 5:47pm

Hi Bodhi,


May I make a suggestion that you also read up on co-dependency. There may be an Ivillage board for this, but

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 6:16pm

Thanks Iddy. The relationship didn't start out this way, but over the years it has gradually gotten worse and because he is still married, it definitely has descended into the toxic category. I've always attributed it to the fact that we couldn't be "free" and that if we were really together it would be different. I'm sure in some ways it would be, but I'm also sure in many ways he is who he is, regardless of the situation (which as many times as I've referenced that word to him should have a capital S!)

It's hard to define what real and what is due to the sneaking around. I know that I am guilty of acting nowhere NEAR like I would act in an open relationship! I will check out the author. Thanks so much again :)

PS - Kids are at their dad's celebrating Father's Day - I texted them to tell them I'm home if they need me and turned my phone off :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 9:00am

Iddy -

I printed the healthy vs. toxic list and I'm sad to say, circled everything in the toxic column. I'm sure MM would have the same result, as I think he's as addicted and co-dependent as I am, actually I would say more so. I'm working on building my resolve this week as you recommended in your first post to me.

I'm doing a lot of positive things that I've not done when I've tried to do this before. I'm really trying to break out of my social shell. I used to be very outgoing and very involved in the community. Out of fear and the fact that I was drilled about who I saw and talked to by Mr. I Won't Leave My Wife But Am Afraid You'll Meet Someone and Leave Me, I just stopped doing things because it was easier. I invited a couple girlfriends over tonight for wine on my porch and we have plans to play golf on Friday. I have a wedding Saturday night (that he was a little disturbed that I was attending - WITH MY DAUGHTER). I've been running a lot and doing my yoga. It's amazing to not have to report about that too - "did you see anybody"? He was always scared about my yoga too - I do Bikram (105 degree room) and he always wanted to know who was seeing me sweat in my spandex. And for those of you who do this yoga, you know that you are only focused on not passing out!

I'm so glad that he is gone this week. I feel like it's a gift to be able to jump start what I need to do.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:05am

Dear Bodhi,


I commend you for reading and researching as much as you have so far in trying to understand the serious limitations of your A. I hate to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:38am

Iddy -

<<>>

Thank you - I feel like I'm in school again!

<<< Have you ever thought about how controlling your MM would be, if you were a real couple out in the open? He sounds terribly insecure, and this is always a sign of someone who dictates and controls.>>>

Absolutely. And I've always blamed the capital "S" situation. He is an incredibly secure man - in every aspect of his life but me. What originally attracted me to him was his strength and success, and he got there by being secure and dictating to everyone what to do. He's a CEO - tell you something? I've thrown him for a loop. He never came close to giving anyone his heart before. He had to get married at a very young age, bit the bullet and made the best of it. So I don't think he has ever experienced anything close to real love. He was afraid of me leaving him before he ever even gave me a chance.

<<>>

I went the complete opposite route! EX was so laid back, let me do anything I wanted. I'm a very strong woman. In hindsight, I was too dominant in the relationship. It was all about me for the most part. I have realized through all this that I really do want and need a stronger man to take me on and challenge me (but in a healthy way.) That was my hope for MM. I always felt that IF ONLY he would leave, he would have the security and would know that I'm not lying to him, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not keeping things from him, etc.

<<>>

I have felt this for a long, long time.

<<>>

You are absolutely right. I'm still stuck in that mode, but working on it very hard. I keep reminding myself that he's not thinking about what I would think - that's for sure.

Thanks so much Iddy. I'm going to get through it this time.

Bodhi