The toxicity of me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
The toxicity of me!
7
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 11:12pm

OH my,

I just had the biggest light bulb moment in quite some time. My own toxic behavior is ooozing out of me. I am pretty sure I am almost done. The self hate started when I was abandoned by a father, I can still remember the night he left. Yep. Daddy issues can be a young girls biggest down fall.

I allowed myself to be raped. I allowed myself to act out in unhealthy ways. No drugs. Had a boyfriend at 15 with a 18 year old. Ran all over town with the older guy, drove my mom bananas. He was supposed to fill that hole that my dad left. I just need anyone to fill it some kind of way. I wanted everyone to like me, I was a total people pleaser. I feared total abandonment from everyone!! EVERYONE!!! So I had to make myself smarter, nicer, ultra pretty. I had to be what you wanted. What anyone wanted. Except me. There lies the beginning of so much pain in my life. He would say it with such hate. He would tell me I would never meet anyone.

That great first boy friend was a selfish jerk. He would tell me I was ugly. Those words stung so hard. Shook me to my core. I could still his insults lie it was yesterday. He was a total loser and he perpetuated and pummeled the little self worth. Then they was the crack head....I know...I know. I had to save him and make him better. I was in denial until I found him doing it at his apartment that I paid for. I was in college and he was smoking up the rent's payment I would send. He used to hit me. He hit me so hard I was wondering if I could hear. The blow was that hard. One did not beat me but he was emotional abusive, after a while u think that is ok. U thing you do not deserve any better

I let men use me. I was their doll that they could dress any way they wanted. Played with the way they wanted. I did things that were so disgusting. Not in a loving couple but in a toxic relationship they are disgusting to think about.

U are then addicted to the drama. The stress. U do not think you are worth 2 cents. So you let people do horrible things to you. I do know this, I allowed it. I can only blame others but so long.

AFTER I WHILE U MUST STOP PLAYING VICTIM. They is an old saying:

Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.

Another saying courtesy of my mom:

People will only to do what you allow them to do to you

It falls on me....I believe the lies. I ate it up. I needed attention. I craved it. Exap figured that out and man, he worked me like a charm and I was his little dog he trained oh so well. He trained me so well. I laid down if he said lay down. I played fetch. I sit if he said sit.

But I was not a dog, even tho he treated me like one. Even when I knew he wasn't shiz, I allowed him to make me feel like shiz. I let him and my ex H do horrible things to me. I should have not married H. He beat me too. Even when I was pregnant with both children. He became an alcoholic. It was awful and my kids suffered quite a bit.

But now all these years later. I am feeling whole. It took me 26 years to feel truly whole. I am alone and I have filled that void. I am gonna feed my soul. I am my own light. I am stronger than ever. AND I DID IT. No one else could do it for me. No one but you can do it for you. This has been great. I am a success. I can not wait till I am big time vet. Can not wait till I can laugh at my foolishness.

I truly pray no matter your situation, u one day soon feel as good as I do. I just needed to share that with you all, as you were a part of my successes and my setback. I am crying this as I type, except that this time, there are tears of joy....

I am so committed to this board. I have never left for one day. I am so dedicated to being healthy and toxic free....stay with me.

Bodhi, sorry if spelled that wrong

I been meaning to respond to you. U been thru alot and I am so proud of you in the little time you been here are giving other members the best insight and supporting them, you are stronger than you think. U r a reminder of so many emotions I had to struggle with. At the same time, you are already an inspiration. It shows that u have read all the things here...keep it up and you will be a tweener before you know it. Keep posting. U are doing everything to help yourself that u can. Post away. We actually like that around here.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 8:02am

Luvin -

Wow, you have been through so much and you are an inspiration. I'm dedicated this time to getting through this and with all the women on this board, I know I will.

One thing you said that stood out in your post was "I allowed myself to be raped" I hope you don't really think that. No matter what, you were not responsible for another man's actions. It almost happened to me in college. No means no, period.

Thank you so much for sharing your epiphany :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 10:18am

((LUVIN))


That was beautiful in the aspect that you have traveled a road of heartache and bad choices to fill your void,

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 11:36am

Luvin,


The emotion in your post rang loud and clear. What is amazing is that you recognize--and therefore can address--the issues of your past. The one thing I must disagree with, however, is that you did not allow yourself to be raped. No woman ever allows herself to be raped. Period. I hope you will realize this statement to be true and allow yourself to be the victim in that one. Sometimes we truly are victims in life.


One of those "aha" moments

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 8:17pm

Hi Luvin- What a great post. Self awareness is so hard, isn't it? I am glad you now realize that you have a choice. So many of us settle to play victim and remain in the cycle of pain. You my friend have risen above that. Much love to you.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 11:34pm

Luvm


Ok, you are NOT toxic! The people you associate are toxic. You just need to make better choices.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 11:46pm
I am so overwhelmed by your post! OMG. God bless you, Sweet Child.
You're remarkable and I'm so inspired by your strength and your resilience.
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 8:46pm

Dear Luvin,

My sister - you're amazing. I learned so much about you, your strength and your courage from this post. You inspire(d) me. We have shared many experiences; hearing your story in your words helped me gain insights into my own story. Thank you.

You continue to amaze me. I consider myself so fortunate that you remain here to inform & educate.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou