Triggers = bad days
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| Thu, 09-24-2009 - 12:43pm |
So, I've been rolling along here for a while (I've lost track of how long since we ended--last spring sometime), feeling stronger as time goes by, maintaining NC, getting to the place where I only think of xAP a few times a day, and even then, only in a "yuck" sort of way...
And then a trigger.
Oh, ladies, yesterday was such a hard day :( I hate triggers! And this one came out of nowhere! I was having just a typical day, taking a break at work and perusing Facebook, when I saw a clip from a movie called "Adam." It's a movie about a man with Aspergers Syndrome, and I watched the clip--looks like a very charming movie. And right away, xAP popped into my head. His son has Asperger's, and we talked often about xAP's concerns for him as he grows up, etc. His son is only like 7, but immediately, I thought, "Oh my gosh, (xAP) needs to see this movie."
So, without even stopping to think much, I shot off an email to him with a link to the movie clip and told him he should check it out, that the movie was just in limited release, but maybe he could find it on Netflix, yada, yada...
Stupid!!!!!!!
Because then I got that weird, uncomfortable "Will he respond?" thing going, and I unblocked and blocked him from my email account and phone about a 100 times yesterday, fluctuating between, "I want to hear from him," and "I CAN'T hear from him."
He never did respond--at least, not during any of the moments that I had him unblocked ;)
But I spent the day back in that hell we have experienced where you want to hear from xAP, but you don't, but you do, and on and on.
I wouldn't have expected him to respond, even if he wasn't blocked, because as far as I know, he's probably still angry that I ended things by just walking away and going NC when I just couldn't do it anymore. (He can hold a grudge against someone for a looooong time.)
But what a crazy thing--look at what I did to myself, just by sending an email. I got myself into that emotional turmoil all over again, and he didn't even have to do anything to cause it!! It was all ME.
So I woke up today, blocked him once again on my phone, in my email, and I know that, no matter what triggers I encounter, I CANNOT ever contact or unblock him again. Not because of HIM--it's because of ME. I can work myself up in an emotional frenzy all by myself.
Whew! Now that I've confessed my craziness to you, I feel better :)
And I'm back on top of NC...and will stay there.
-Juliette

Juliette,
On another board I have read they have a 24 hour rule. When triggering causes enough turmoil to where you want to make contact, sit with your feelings for 24 hours before you react. 9 times out of 10 you will have changed your mind within that 24 hour period and the urgency/importance that was consuming you will have taken a hike.
Sorry, but I had to laugh at the blocking and unblocking going on yesterday. Your poor mind and fingers are probably pissed at one another. ;) Anyway, always sit on your feelings before reacting to them. You will save yourself tons of potential embarrassment and/or regret.
Happy to hear you are back on the saddle.
((Hugs))
Messenger
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Messenger
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Messenger!!
So good to hear from you! And, yes, I was a pretty comical sight yesterday, with all that blocking/unblocking going on. My cell provider must think I'm nuts. You can laugh at me--today I'm right there with you, laughing at myself ;) I think there were 2 or 3 triggers going on...the movie clip I saw, his birthday and my birthday are right around this time, a year ago right now I was in his city, spending the weekend with him...
So it was a day full of triggers that I let get the best of me :( BUT, today I'm back to my normal NC self, and moving on from all that craziness. My God, I don't even need xAP to create angst for me, I can do it all by myself! ;)
That's an excellent rule--the 24-hour one. I tend to be spontaneous and that got the best of my yesterday, too. The urge to contact xAP isn't usually there anymore, but I will remember that rule the next time I have a trigger.
Thanks again,
Juliette
by xxiced