in trouble at work .. help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
in trouble at work .. help
17
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:16am

im in trouble at work since i cannot concentrate and im way behind my tasks, i cant believe im going downhill in all aspects of my life, even at work, i work with OW, i have a hard time working and doing my job at work

i think the stress is taking a bad effect on me, i cant even function at work at all, even at home im a mess, i cant do what i been saying, im breaking apart literally

i dont know what to do, how will i get back my life, even work, i need a job, i cant find a job, OW ruin my life it seems, i know its all up to me but i cant do it right now, i dont know ho to deal with it anymore, i always have a constant headache hence i cant work or concetrate at work, im afraid im gonna lose my job because of this, im so messed up

help,

max

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:58am

Ok Max. Time to stop and regroup. I know exactly what you are feeling and going through. I went through the same thing the first week of our breakup. I couldnt' afford to mess up and lose my job and I didn't have a whole lot of wiggle room.

I knew I had to get a grip. My counselor had mentioned to me a while ago that I might want to investigate going on an anti-depressant for a while to help me clear my head and sort through things. I am not against those medications at all but I didn't want to do that just yet.

My mom sent me a link to a research article about St. John's Wort. It is an herbal supplement that has been used for years to treat depression and mood swings. I read through it and thought, hey, there were just about no side effects to speak of and I thought it would be a place to start.

I went to the health food store and talked to them. The lady there said Dr. X, a psychiatrist in town, swears by cod liver oil as well.

You may laugh if you want but I was desperate to try anything to help me focus and get my mind back on track. XMM was not worth my losing my job for lack of concentration and depression. I have to deal w/ him at work as well, although not on a daily basis like you do. But any contact is difficult.

I started taking the St. John's Wort and cod liver oil every day. You can call me crazy, or tell me it was just a placebo effect, but it really helped me. I noticed a difference in my mood and attitude in just a couple of days. It wasn't drastic and it wasn't a "miracle cure" for my hurt and sadness. But it helps lift the fog enough that I can focus and be productive at work. And I do notice when I forget to take it. I still have moments of unproductiveness but nothing like the paralysis of before.

Is it all in my head? I don't think so but even if it is, isn't that what I was trying to fix..my head? :)

If you are interested in reading about the St. Johns Wort you can email me at buffalobillie@hotmail.com. I would be happy to send you the link. If you don't want to wade through all of it, the short version is to get research grade if possible and make sure the label says "standardized to 0.3% hypericin (or total)" Take one 300 mg. tablet 3 times a day.

And the cod liver oil? Maybe our grandmothers were on to something! What I do know is that the better we take care of our health the better our mindset is. I also would recommend you start a workout program of any kind. Walking, weights, eliptical machine...doesn't matter. Exercising releases endorphines in the body and helps elevate the mood.

I can preach all I want about NC, leave the past in the past, etc. Those are all important and helpful. But I understand the feeling that "somethings gotta give." Try it out for a week or two and see if you don't feel just a tad bit better and are able to get your work done again.

Let me know how it goes
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 1:20am

hi billie,

thanks, im gonna take ST, John's Wort, ill try anything, im just not feeling well right now, actuallit was OW who told me that my boss told her that im not up to par, boss does not know about me and OW thou

anyways, its getting out of hand for me, i dont or cant seem to deal with all of this, im a mess, i used to exercise 5 times a day b4, i run about 10 miles and now nothing, OW haas taken the life out of me, i let her do it to me

i feel like this is all my fault, i got into it , i thought it was for real, it was all a fantasy in my mind that she was the one, i feel like a fool now, i still cannot realy get very upset at OW, i want to but i cannot, i dont know why, i am upset but its not the real feeling of realy being pissed off at someone, i feel so sad, i feel like i failed myself and its all my fault, im doing self pity now, i know this is not good and i try no to think of it

i drove home today and i was crying while driving, its crazy, im a man and i just wish i can blow this of and i can act like most of the MM in most of the affair, but i am not married, im single, not family at all, its so hard being alone, im lonely, i realize i need to help myself, no one will help me but me, i been doing it all my life, i get up and suck it up but this time im so tired, im worn out i feel, im always tired, this is worst than not sleeping for 2 days, my muscles are twitching and my stomach is not feeling good all the time, itys butterflies all the time, i cant take in much food hence im losing weight also

im so stressed out

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 1:36am

Max, another thing I noticed was that after taking the St. John's Wort and cod liver oil my appetite has come back. I am not kidding you that before I literally just could not eat. I was not hungry and if I tried to make myself eat something it just made me sick. But all of a sudden I noticed that when I made myself eat it felt ok. And my hunger is gradaully returning. Oh, I still own stock in TUMS but hey, progress is progress! :)

Yes, you are the only one you can really count on in this world to take care of you. It doesn't matter if you have tons of friends, gobs of relatives...they can't do it for you. They can support, but you have that here on this board, too.

I have to force myself to exercise...especially at first. Max, you read my posts when I came to this board. You know how down and desperate I was. I still get overwhelmed with sadness, cry at the drop of a hat and get angry. But it is just a little less than it was and I think that is all due to the fact that I took matters into hand and tried to address it and do something to help.

I really do think that after taking the supplement, after a few days you will start to feel some of the fog lift. And when you start to cry, do like me and walk around the block or jump on your bike or something. You won't feel like it at all, but then we never felt like having our hearts ripped out either. We couldn't control that but we CAN control our health and well being.

Keep up with the limited contact. If when you two talk you end up feeling like crap you need to tell her that. Tell her that by talking to you all of the time she is preventing you from moving forward and healing. Tell her you appreciate her concern but it just DOESN'T help. Tell her if she REALLY cares at all about your well being to back off and let you heal. Keep contact to work related only.

And don't doubt yourself. You are making progress and you will look back on this someday as a learning experience...a very painful one but one nonetheless.

Get yourself to the store and get started just as soon as you can. In the morning if possible. Give it some time and if it helps you like it did me you will feel a little less yuck.
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 1:59am

thanks billie,

yes i will go get it tomorrow morning, im just anxious, u are right, i have no appetite at all, i need to exercise and do something, on weekends i just sit inside the house or lay on the couch and watch tv, i have zest for life so it seems, i used to be up and about by myself, do all kinds of stuff but now i feel like not doing anything at all, im sure all this bad emotions/feelings will pass in time

i just dont want to jeoperdize my job, OW and i talk only about work related just 75% of the time we talk, the rest is just she ask me how am i doing, that in itself makes me go back to square one, i melt everytime i see her and talk to her, all the emotions just come rushing back in, everytime we talk she always say she is sorry, it breaks my heart all the time, i cant even think of anything that would make me mad at her

i realy want to be upset at her, right now i have a major headache, i have taken tylenol pm but its does not seem to work anymore

thank u for your suggestion about st john, i will definitely try them

my head is spinning so fast that it hurts

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:15am

Hi Max,

I am sorry to hear your situation is still so fragile, I know it takes time to heal specially when you love someone so much and there gone. Just remember you are the one that has control of your destiny, you can let her eat you up alive or make the choice to live and control yourself. Your job I assume pays your dues , dont let her take that from you. No Contact is the best way. Keep yourself active go to the gym, get out go for walks, go out with your friends. I understand you live alone and that may make the nights unbearable, but you have survived tuffer situations, you can do this. Keeping yourself healthy is important. Max she is not the only women in the world for you. There are aothers out there and you will find that special someone again. I am sorry to be blunt but you need a wake up call, loosing your job may just be that wake up for you. Ask yourself, is she worth loosing so much? I dont beleive so.

Take care of YOURSELF. Stay focused and try to get out of your home and be a little more active. Afterall she has moved on and you need to do the same.

Lots of hugs and good wishes for you.
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:02am

the last 2 days has been the most stressful days for me

i dont know how long i can take all the stress, i dont know how to cope anymore

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:15am

Dear Max,

I've been reading your posts. I feel so bad for you. In my humble opinion, I think you should go see your therapist and talk about all of this. You are in a very fragile state right now. Losing a loved one is one of the most stressful events anyone can have in their lifetime. It is no time to screw around. You need to go get some help NOW!! Is there an organization within your place of employment that can help? Or can you go to your therapist and perhaps be taken out of work on disability for awhile? I know you are an ex-marine (?) and that you might think you are tough enough to handle this. Please don't deny yourself what you need. I wish you all of the best and I'll say a prayer for you.

Sincerely,
Torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 12:37pm

Hey Max,

I agree with this. I know you are going to try taking St. John's, but if you find that you aren't improving soon it might not be a bad idea to see someone.
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:13pm

Hi Max,

Two questions for you. What have you been doing to help yourself? And have you had anymore contact with her?

The reason for my questions is in order to cope you need to help yourself by finding your inner strengths. You are going on three weeks, You are alive and this has not beaten you it has just set you back. I know it is painful. I was there once where I found it unbearable to cope at the beginning, but it got to a point where I truly was not helping my situation by sulking and agonizing all the time over loosing my relationship with him. I got tired of being down all the time and realized I needed to bring myself out of the shell I put myself in. I started to hit the gym extremely hard, The exercise and time to myself helped me relieve alot of the stress I put myself in, Being active also helped me start to sleep normal to. I also went back to church. I had stopped the minute I started my affair, The guilt was to much, and I felt strongly that god frowned upon me. I just have prayed for the forgiveness and I feel releived that it is over. Good things do come out f ending affairs, not easy because u are an emotional mess at first but in the long run you realize you have gained an enourmous amount of dignity and wholesomeness not to mention the stress of the affair is gone. Max you will come out victorious. We can support you and help you through this but the end result is up to you. Take charge of your life again it is not over you can cope.

Take Care
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 2:47pm

hi everyone,

im am looking at my health insurance coverage, i want to go to a therapist

- yes i still have minimal contact with OW, she is 20 feet away from me, and she sometimes would ask me how am i doing since she would see me looking sad and depress at work

- yes, i am taking st john's wort, no exercise so far, icould not get myself to go out of the house on the weekends, i just stay inside, how sad

- yes i stopped gong to church also, i tried to go on sundays but i cant even get out of bed

i realy want to help myself, i feel like im going down in a spiral way down, at nites i cant sleep, i ant even get mad at OW, its crazy

my first priority now is to find a therapist as soon as possible

max

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