Trust
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| Sun, 03-20-2005 - 8:43am |
I used to think that one of the things that upset me most about this is that I would never be able to trust another man again. Now I know that it's not trusting another man that I'll have a problem with, it's being able to trust my own judgement.
I feel like how will I ever know if the next guy I am with is telling me the truth? How will I know if I'm just falling into another trap? Maybe it's not even not knowing how I can trust my own judgement; maybe it's listening to my own judgement. I felt all along that there was something not quite right with this even though he kept telling me that he really wanted and was getting a divorce (he was separated when we met). I felt the whole thing was so cliche, and even told him so several times. I didn't trust him fully all the way at first, but then I told myself I was being silly and too hard on him. I don't trust myself anymore is what it is and I don't know how to get that back...
I've been crying and feeling sad again the past couple of days, even without seeing him :(

fallon,
trust in a affair is an oxymoron, how can we trust someone who lied to someone, im sorry but its how i feel
in time u will be able to trust someone and u will open your heart to that person, u will know when that time comes
its ok to cry and feel sad, u will get tired of it, i know for sure, go shopping, get out of the house, r u working today, i hope not
my new matra now is "trust but verify", sometimes u just have to have fate in the other person, right now i know we dont feel like trusting someone, i know, OW lied to me countless times and i looked the other way, i bend over, even if i knew she lied, why she lied ? i dont know, b4 i just blocked it off, i was blinded i guess, now i dont want to be lied too, are the lies considered "big lies" , no, but then again its still a lie
hey, it will get better, rent some comedy dvd's, if u watch the news, there are a whole bunch of people in the world who are in worst situation than us so we are still blessed
with that in mind, see your life as a much better than 70% of the world population as a whole
just have to think outside the box
take care, im here all day on and off, cleaning the house since its raining here on and off
max
i have doubted my own judgement too, but not so much cuz mm made promises and didn't follow thru. More cuz i thought and felt for SURE he was the one for me and obviously i was wrong. i guess it's fairly normal with a break up with someone you truly love.
jen
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When this started, I didn't feel like it was an affair, because he was separated, had divorce proceedings started, wasn't living at home but had moved out to his parents.
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It's ok to cry, I know, but not to the extent that it's disabling. Yes, I'm at work today. I have been going out, and even went on a road trip yesterday with my car club. Even out with them, he was on my mind. I was out of the house from 7am until 930pm and once I was alone at home again, I was upset and crying.
One thing my therapist said was that right now I am living in both the past and the present. When he's not around, I am able to live in the present, but when he's around, the past and all those emotions creep up. They can be so overwhelming.
I am so angry at him. One question I want to ask is "why were you with me to begin with?" "What was the point?" How can he have been "so in love" and want to be with me forever, and say that I'm the one made for him, and then just last week tell me to "get over it"? I'm just so d*** angry with him! I wish that I could have a confrontation with him like Max did with OW, but we work way too closely for that. I don't think I'd be able to do that. I also wouldn't get the satisfaction of the answers I want anyway, so I feel like it would be pointless.
Ugh! I just want to get over this already! I wish I could just make myself numb or something or erase everything that happened between us. I feel like I hate him so much, but I don't really. I like him as a person, I just hate what's happened. I may feel better if I actually could hate him.
I'm rambling today...
We don't see our AP clearly. They are just people like us. They are confused, have problems, whatever. I think part of the anger at them is for not being the person we thought they were, and part is at ourselves for not seeing who they really were. I know when I was feeling angry it was so intense I could barely contain it.
When the anger passed I had a few conversations with xmm and although we discussed some of the hows and whys, I wasn't sure if he said what he knew I wanted to hear or it wss really the truth. I finally realized that I will never know the truth about what is in his mind. The longer I have NC the more I realize that I don't care. I spend more time thinking about what was in my mind and my part in the situation. Even though I am doing OK I still do spend a lot of time thinking about it and wondering. The worst part is when you are around other people but you feel so alone because no one knows what you are really thinking about. I was just wondering myself how long do you feel this way?
fallon,
sometimes people say words that they dont mean, they say it in the moment, are they lying, maybe or maybe not, heck, OW said she wants to be with me and that im the best thing that ever happened to her but she is not with me now
i am sure in time u will find your answers and slay your demon with regards to your MM, be strong, i know u are strong and u can do it
hey what kind of car club do u have, what kind of car do u drive ??
inquiring minds want to know
max
I know you're right, Max, and thanks. I just wish that I could hurry up and get there already! I'm not very patient, either! I also have a feeling that he is flirting with another girl now and of course he denies it but I feel it in my gut. I don't know if it's just being paranoid, or if my gut is right. I don't want to even care, but I do and I hate it. I think that it's if he is flirting with this other girl, then everything he said IS a great big fat lie and just makes it hurt even more.
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I drive a New Beetle. The car club has a message board and has monthly meetings. I went on my first outing with them yesterday and am going to my first meeting today. I was hoping to meet some young, single, guys, but just my luck it was all older married people. I never thought I would need to put in "single" as what I'm looking for! Anyway, some of the ladies that went said that more people will be at the meeting, and there will be some young, single guys there. So I'm hopeful :) I just want to have something else to take my mind off of xMM.
patience grasshopper ............
hey , if he is flirting with another person then this is a sign that he is a guacamole short of a chimichangga
drop the guy like a daisy clipper and let me wallow in his own vomit, so u dont want to be a part of that kind of lifestyle, get out while u still can, otherwise u will be assimilated (just kidding) but seriously, u cant think of that anymore, if he flirst then that is his business, not yours anymore, u got to stop thinking
go to that bug meeting, im sure there are some single men that drive the same car as u do, hey u already have things in common so its a start
max
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drop the guy like a daisy clipper and let me wallow in his own vomit, so u dont want to be a part of that kind of lifestyle, get out while u still can, otherwise u will be assimilated (just kidding) but seriously, u cant think of that anymore, if he flirst then that is his business, not yours anymore, u got to stop thinking>>
I'm trying. At least it's making me more pissed off than sad now! At least most of the time now, although I still do get sad at times.
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That's what I'm hoping for! I don't expect to meet the man of my dreams, at least now that I've decided to stick to reality. I had the "man of my dreams" with xMM and look how that turned out. I just want to meet someone who isn't married. Heck, that gives him more possibilities than what I had with xMM! I should just go out and have fun and that is what I'm trying to do. I am going to trust my instincts though. Another thing the therapist said was what we have to figure out is why I didn't listen to the instincts that I had about xMM. I knew from the first week that he was bad news, but I went ahead with him anyway.
How about something here as a confession that I don't think I've mentioned before. When I started talking to xMM, he told me that he was already divorced. A week later, his wife wrote me an e-mail at work asking why I was writing e-mails back and forth with her husband. It turns out that she had left him two months before, but that weekend he took her back when she brought the kids to his parents house for 4th of July and wanted to work things out with him. I didn't talk to him for one day, but then I convinced myself to not listen to myself for some reason. I just started talking to him as friends, and then it escalated. He left her a week later and then that is when we really started this thing up.
See? I should have listened to myself then when I called him a "sick f***" for doing that. Sigh...