trust issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
trust issues
6
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:17pm
I'm not sure if this is the right forum to discuss this issue....but I'm at a dead end here, and I'm not sure what to do.

I was having an EMA with a man for about a year, when we both decided to leave our marriages, (his divorce was final last thurs, and mine is still pending) and move in together. We have been living together for 3 months now, and everything has been great, with one HUGE exeption. We don't trust each other. It's not something we fight over. There aren't crazy accusations, and we have even discussed our concerns. I just don't feel secure, and I feel like I left my marriage, and uprooted my children, just to be in another uncertain situation. This man makes me feel like the center of his universe...he is kind, gentle, and loving. We are best friends...and have never uttered an unkind word to one and other. It isn't perfect..we disagree, but we know that we don't want this relationship to be even remotely like the marriages we left. ANYWAY.... I am hurt, confused, and I don't even have any solid proof, just a hunch. I wasn't the only woman he cheated on his wife with....and I'm scared that it may be something that he cannot change in himself. I knew the risks, I thought about this b4 we took the step to be together openly, and I thought it was something I could overcome. BUT, it isn't that easy. He may not be doing anything now....but what if he does? He has told me, that he has the same fears that I do, simply because of the way we came together. I know for a fact, that I have put that part of my life behind me...but how can I be certain that he has???? Do any of you believe the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Can a man that was a "serial cheater" reform? I'm so scared, it doesn't consume my every thought, but the fact that I think any of this at all, is a red flag, I think. I'm not sure how he feels about counseling...I haven't even brought it up, I really don't think that he would go. I guess I just needed to vent. Anybody have any thoughts...or ideas? I would apprieciate any and all responses!

Huge hugs to all~

Keep on Keepin on,

Eighemy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: eighemy
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:33pm
I think the only thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open at all times. As long as you are talking about the issues and concerns, I think you are a step ahead of the game. Keep an eye out for "red flags" or if things just start to feel different, he's treating you differently, etc. IF that should happen then you can address it at that time. In the meantime, just try to enjoy each other. You've been through so much just to get to this place that you are at now. Enjoy the happiness and the love that you've found again. The rest of the stuff can be dealt with if the time ever comes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
In reply to: eighemy
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:35pm
In my case, I do believe once a cheater always a cheater. I have had several ema's, it is just with this last one it was very emotional for me. I am not saying that is the case for your man. I am not closed minded to the fact that some people can change. But to me I always knew my MM and I could never have anything in the future seriously, cause I WOULD never trust him. If he did this to his wife , and kids, he could surely do it to me. I would say to follow your gut, don't get let your guard down. Just stay in tune . Especially if you think his A with you was not his first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: eighemy
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:41pm
Ha ha. That's so funny you say that in the sense that the A I am in, I am single, he just got married. He tells me that he may not be able to trust me. TRUST ME???? I'm not the one who's married. And he is a serial cheater too. So, I would say as I think to myself, and I'm not trying to be harsh here, but you know what he's capable of. Don't be foolish and think he wouldn't do it to you. Even if he makes promises... because isn't that what a marriage vow is?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: eighemy
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 3:17pm
WOW....that one hit me like a ton of bricks..lol, Yes a marriage vow is a promise! It's just that sometimes, two people are unable to make it work, plain and simply put. My soon to be X Hubby was a horrible, vile, mean spirited man. (not that I'm bitter LOL) And I am WAY better off without him.

I am not letting my guard down, but I also think its important not to dwell. I don't want to live my life in constant fear of losing him. If it happens, I guess I will deal when the time comes. I was just having a "moment" earlier. I happen to have a lot of those, and I am SO happy I came here for advice, and reassurance. You guys are awesome, and every single post made me feel better, and know that I am not crazy for being a lil nervous, suspicious....whatever it is that I am. I love this guy...its just hard sometimes, thats all

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: eighemy
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 7:30pm
OHHHHH K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: eighemy
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:52pm

Trust is a choice.


And cheaters are NOT always going to be cheaters......if they CHOOSE to change their lives.


I cheated for 17 years. Serial relationships.


Stopped the behavior dead in its tracks with my last OW.


It is rare, yet it is possible to cold-turkey the cheating.


You speak of not allowing yourself to trust this man. Does he act or speak in a manner to fuel your doubts? Does he lie? Are there unaccounted times alone? Or unwillingness to have you in the room while he's on the internet? If your answers are "no", then perhaps he has has found the life he has sought for so many years. That is what happened to me. Both of you are coming to this new relationship with your old baggage on your shoulders. It will take time to unload the baggage and remain committed to each other and the life you want together.


It is possible.


I did it.


And so can you.....


cl-nre