trust issues
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| Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:17pm |
I was having an EMA with a man for about a year, when we both decided to leave our marriages, (his divorce was final last thurs, and mine is still pending) and move in together. We have been living together for 3 months now, and everything has been great, with one HUGE exeption. We don't trust each other. It's not something we fight over. There aren't crazy accusations, and we have even discussed our concerns. I just don't feel secure, and I feel like I left my marriage, and uprooted my children, just to be in another uncertain situation. This man makes me feel like the center of his universe...he is kind, gentle, and loving. We are best friends...and have never uttered an unkind word to one and other. It isn't perfect..we disagree, but we know that we don't want this relationship to be even remotely like the marriages we left. ANYWAY.... I am hurt, confused, and I don't even have any solid proof, just a hunch. I wasn't the only woman he cheated on his wife with....and I'm scared that it may be something that he cannot change in himself. I knew the risks, I thought about this b4 we took the step to be together openly, and I thought it was something I could overcome. BUT, it isn't that easy. He may not be doing anything now....but what if he does? He has told me, that he has the same fears that I do, simply because of the way we came together. I know for a fact, that I have put that part of my life behind me...but how can I be certain that he has???? Do any of you believe the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Can a man that was a "serial cheater" reform? I'm so scared, it doesn't consume my every thought, but the fact that I think any of this at all, is a red flag, I think. I'm not sure how he feels about counseling...I haven't even brought it up, I really don't think that he would go. I guess I just needed to vent. Anybody have any thoughts...or ideas? I would apprieciate any and all responses!
Huge hugs to all~
Keep on Keepin on,
Eighemy

I am not letting my guard down, but I also think its important not to dwell. I don't want to live my life in constant fear of losing him. If it happens, I guess I will deal when the time comes. I was just having a "moment" earlier. I happen to have a lot of those, and I am SO happy I came here for advice, and reassurance. You guys are awesome, and every single post made me feel better, and know that I am not crazy for being a lil nervous, suspicious....whatever it is that I am. I love this guy...its just hard sometimes, thats all
Trust is a choice.
And cheaters are NOT always going to be cheaters......if they CHOOSE to change their lives.
I cheated for 17 years. Serial relationships.
Stopped the behavior dead in its tracks with my last OW.
It is rare, yet it is possible to cold-turkey the cheating.
You speak of not allowing yourself to trust this man. Does he act or speak in a manner to fuel your doubts? Does he lie? Are there unaccounted times alone? Or unwillingness to have you in the room while he's on the internet? If your answers are "no", then perhaps he has has found the life he has sought for so many years. That is what happened to me. Both of you are coming to this new relationship with your old baggage on your shoulders. It will take time to unload the baggage and remain committed to each other and the life you want together.
It is possible.
I did it.
And so can you.....
cl-nre