....Trying to AVOID an Affair !! ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
....Trying to AVOID an Affair !! ....
13
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 5:39pm
Hey all,

Having a problem...

I'm married, happily in many ways, yet I am finding myself in a situation where I might possibly become involved in an affair.

I want to try and avoid this at all costs because I know how devastating it would be to my marriage, and how emotionally draining it would be for me.

This other person happens to be my best friend, and we have had a deep emotional attachment to each other for a few years, and I wasn't completely beyond that when I married my husband. My best friend also happens to be divorced from a 7 yr relationship, she was his first experience, and they had three kids together.

Yeah , ugh, sticky situation I know.

If I wasn't with my husband, I don't know if I could have dealt with being in a relationship with my best friend anyway just because of the divorced and kids thing (I don't have kids of my own yet) ... but I think the appeal of the affair thing comes from the taboo-ness of things now that I'm no longer available and the secretiveness of it.

I DO NOT want this to happen, for many reasons, the two most important being

that I don't want it to completely ruin me emotionally and put me in a whirlspin of emotions which I know it would,

and I also value what my husband and I have....

I just don't know what to do, how to fight temptation, and stay friends without anything more

=*(

Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:08am
cl-nore,

you are so right...

the repercussions, that's exactly what has mostly been keeping me away from all of this.

I think about what sometimes USED to be, and how it felt good, and different from what I feel for or with my husband, but then I realize that it's because of the forbidden fruit factor....we desire what is not ours, or what should not be ours or within our circle of boundaries 'cause it's bad and we like that.

and the xes is being promised to be good, lol, and if it is good or better in fact than what i've got now, i don't want it anyway, because that will make me want it more eventually and i'd become completely enthralled with it.

well, he's still overseas until after the new year, so i have a break now, but after that i REALLY hope I have the strength to keep this state of mind, I'll keep posting or reading the boards for some support atleast...

hope all of you are doing okay in your situations as well,

keep in touch and thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:23am
Read thru the posts and have to say that you've been given great advice. Seems like you have a level head and a wonderful H. Of course, he senses something's amiss with you. When my EMA was just taking off my DH felt something wasn't right. It progressed to where the only way he could describe how he felt was like he was dying on the inside. That was the "us" dying that I felt 2 years previous that he chose to ignore and told me it was in my head. My DH has issues and has been very mean and emotionally abusive. Never really "knew" about the A only bc he didn't catch me in the act, but "knows" it in his soul, if you know what I mean. It's over bc me and MM want to preserve our friendship and respect eachother's marriages, but because we're human and sensual beings *it's* always there, the passion which is wonderful, we remember,can't forget, and maybe don't want to.

I too say imagine how DH's eyes if he were to find out. The pain and anquish in his eyes, that you could never undo. The pain and anguish he feels will be your pain, your anguish. Also, you will never be able to make love to your DH without thinking of the passion you experienced w/ OM, even for a fleeting nanosecond. In reality, affairs are for the moment only, and an escape from reality. I enjoy being friends w/ MM and that's where it's at for now. We both admit that we feel "addicted" to eachother and it's easier to continue than go thru withdrawals. It "feels" good to be together and we're eachother's escape. Bottomline: If you're happy w/ your DH, then leave this OM alone and put that energy into your R w/ DH. It seems you're at that point. Especially if OM isn't respecting your wishes and position and is thinking more of HIS needs than yours. That, my dear, is a big red flag.

Luvin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:45am
Luvin,

Hi,

Do you realize that every single description you put in your post is how I feel?

It's that obsession or "addiction" that we can't seem to let go of.

Now I'm fine because he's away until the new year, but I really question whether I will be fine after this, when he returns?

I'm not very strong-willed unfortunately, but I'm praying that I will have strength for this.

There is a passion with A-Man that I do not have with my H; that I can't deny.

But I know that it is not the right thing to do, you know, to go and have an affair.

It will hurt MORE if I do, than if I don't...

It really feels SO good, and we are each other's escape...at times I feel as though I love him more than my husband, because it just feels like heaven with him, I guess because he doesn't come with any strings or bills to pay or discussions to have lol...

Pre-marriage, when we were intimate in some ways, although there was no intercourse in any way, we could not bare to go without...screw withdrawals was the idea.

I don't know, I really hope I can keep this avoiding state of mind for when he returns.

So, curious, are you still married to your husband, or did the affair, or his suspection of it, end the marriage?

Best Regards to you...

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