Trying to come to terms with how I ended long-term affair with BF's H..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2011
Trying to come to terms with how I ended long-term affair with BF's H..
14
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 1:09am

I have been a lurker on this board for 4+ years. After several failed attempts I ended a long-term affair for good this past December, 2 weeks before Christmas. I refrained from posting before now because of CL-Iddy's reminders for folks not to post until they're verifiable true Enders.. and like UBM posted recently, I've been too much of a mess to feel like I had anything of value to offer. However, I now feel a strong urgency to post my story because week before last a mini D-day (for lack of a better term) occurred, brought on by me, which I will elaborate in a moment. As you will learn, I really need the valuable insight and wisdom of the posters here.

Some background. I'm a single OW with a teenage DD. Left my ex-H and unhappy 20 yr marriage 4 years ago this month (6 months after my EA turned PA). AP married 15 years w/ 4 children. Our DD's (his eldest) are BF's.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

Wow!

Landslide...

First just let me say WELCOME.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Landslide,
Welcome to the board - and many great hugs to you. You have already been reading which is amazing, and you will find as you continue - that reading after ending is similar but much more personal an experience. This will be hard. It will hurt. There will be many tears - both in grief and in joy.
You say:
I'm hoping by posting here I can regain my balance as quickly as possible.
Don't be in a rush to gloss over and pretend this didn't happen. Healing takes a while (as you well know). You were in your A for several years and you can't expect to get out of those mindsets overnight. You may be able to put some aspects of your A out to pasture simply because of your current hurt - but there are deeper issues that healing will bring out. Have you considered therapy?

continue to move in a forward direction without second-guessing and beating myself up over how things ultimately ended.
You sound as tho you are in a good place for ending - it doesn't matter the how and why or what may or may not have been as you wanted it to be - in the end very few A's end "well". The important part is - YOU ENDED. You WILL beat yourself up (as we all do) and you WILL second guess your decisions - but you CAN arm yourself with knowledge and educate yourself as to how to overcome these things.

I thought (hoped) I ended things with a measure of dignity and grace (to the extent that is even possible) but instead feel like it all backfired..
You ended. Really that is all that is important. Dignity and grace come from maintaining NC or LC, hold you head up, know YOURSELF, and what the rest of the world thinks won't matter. It may hurt like hell being snubbed by the old circle of friends but at the end of the day - only you and xAP know the truth of what happened, and only YOU can choose to maintain your cleaning out that toxic cycle. Your reactions will be the show of grace. the W WILL have her say, she is hurt and concerned and distrusting AS SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE. This is HER H.

Right now I need my primary focus.. besides healing 'me'.. to be on providing DD an emotionally and financially stable home (on her mom's side) for the first time since the divorce.
I couldn't agree more - I am in your same situation with this as I ended my A and my M at the same time - and now, I use my focus on bettering our lives (I have 3 kids), and being fully present with them. I can't undo what happened, but I can work on cleaning up MY OWN attitude, behaviors and habits - and so can you.

I am so glad you came and joined us. In these next few weeks you will go through a gamut of emotions and I can say, read, read, read, block and walk, arm yourself, and hold the distance. NC is truly the only true peace you can find after the end. Ending was the easy part - Staying committed to ending will hurt like hell - but set you free. As your fog lifts, you will be your own worst critic - Remember that you do not have to let this A define you. You are not a victim, you are a survivor and you will have your own war wounds at the end to prove it.

Post often and let us know how you are doing,
Much love,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010

Dear Landslide,

So sorry you are hurting and feeling so much pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

Dear Lanslide,

I would like to welcome you to our community and I'm glad you finally came out of lurking to tell us your story. I have to be honest though and tell you I have been conflicted in how I wanted to respond. For instance, I could ask you why it took you so long to end this debacle considering you've been lurking here for years. You don't have to answer this but had you took to heart the stories here and the pain and suffering that ensues while in an A, what kept you from ending this sooner?

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
((HUGS))

Welcome to our community. I don't have much time at the moment, and I want to have the time to read your message and respond accordingly ... so I will get back to you.

I just wanted to give you a warm welcome ... and remember, no matter what you are thinking/wondering/worrying about

IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW.

Only getting real does. Like Really Really REAL. The other worries are just distractions.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010

Landslide,

Just wanted to give you a big hug [[[[you]]]]] and tell you that you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

Welcome to our wonderful and supportive community, Landslide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Hi Land, my heart ached reading your post. Big hugs to you and welcome:) You have received excellent support and it is like a burden lifted when we get to the point of sharing isn't it? At this point it would be best to remove yourself from any conversation with xap's wife and xap himself. Work hard at focusing on yourself and your daughter, you two are important and your business is to keep the both of you mentally and physically healthy. What is happening with xap is not your business likewise what is happening with you is not xap's business. My healing became more effective once I was clearer on my issues and focusing on myself and my kids. Take care Land:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009

Hi and Welcome-

I'm sorry for all the pain you are in right now.

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