Trying to find justification
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| Mon, 05-24-2010 - 11:22am |
I need the opinions of you smart, intuitive ladies who seem to know me better than I know myself. Sometimes I ponder the question as to why I strayed.
20 years ago while already married for 8 years I found a dirty magazine under the seat of my husbands truck. I know, I know, normal right? Well, for a girl who watched her father cheat on her mother over and over again while growing up, you can only imagine my insecurities. After throwing the magazine in his face he told me he wouldn't do that anymore.
Fast forward 5 years, I find a porno movie hidden in the garage. I blow up again only to receive promises of him never doing that again.
Another 2 years later I find out that he's looking at porn on the computer after I go to bed at night. I'm not prude but for reasons I wasn't aware of at the time, this just tore me up. I felt like he was cheating on me when he did this. I told him that it took a chunk out of my heart when he did this and I told him that it cheapened our marriage. It wasn't that our sex life was bad, he said he just liked to look.
It upset me so badly that I told him I couldn't stay with someone who continued to spit on our marriage. I told him that I would stay for the kids, but don't be surprised one day if I left. He never took me seriously because I cried wolf so many times before.
Time would go by and I wouldn't find anything and I'd slowly forget and things would always get good again. Then one day in 2001 we were doing some spring cleaning and I found a box which contained a bunch of old love letters from his first love. I was crushed and asked him why he was keeping them. He told me that they were part of his past and he was nostalgic. That really hurt me. I told him that it hurt me that he kept them and he continued to change the subject. Once again I forgot about them and 5 years later, 2006, during a move, I saw the box again and rehashed it with him. He still kept the letters.
So now it's 2010 and it's been 5 months of NC and I've been asking myself the big question..."why did I do it?" When my H suspected that something was going on with me he did everything imaginable to try to be the best H ever! He literally did a 180. A couple of days ago I brought up the box of letters and still he tries to change to the subject. I feel like I'm losing my mind here. Am I justified in feeling this way? Are these all reasons enough to stray?
I'm hoping that for those of you that actually read this whole thing without falling asleep, are willing to help me understand.
Thank you,
Love, AAI

Am I justified in feeling this way? Are these all reasons enough to stray?
Sadly no, these are not justifications for straying. I am in T with a really good counselor. The reasons we stray is within us. For me, I never was able to show my DH affection and passion. I pushed my DH away for years until he had an A. Once he did I was somewhat relieved and had an A myself. I gave myself to my AP like I have never done with my DH. Through therapy I learned that my abandonment issues because a really jacked up childhood made me think everyone would eventually leave me. Therefore, I never allowed my DH to enter into my heart fully for fear of being left or rejected. With my AP, it wasn't a risk. There were no feelings involved and I had no expectations from him (sadly).
I think most men love to look at girly magazines. For some reason you developed a fear and you loosened your boundaries and let someone else into your soul other than your DH. Why you did that? Who knows but a good T can help you peel back all of the layers in your life to determine why you sought out an A as an answer to whatever was going on within you.
Hi Acting,
I can relate to this behavior....not myself....but my mother is like you.
My mother would get angry at her fiance if he watched Baywatch, or if a Victoria Secret magazine came in the mail....she'd get angry if he even glanced at it.
Of course porn and old love letters are not reason to stray! you know that! you're struggling for justification, understandable, but you won't find it. There is NEVER a justification. Ever. You know this. Now, you dig deep and figure out why you're trying to dis-place blame. okie dokie?
Now, re: the porn. Girlie girl.... the bigger issue is not the porn, it's the really, really unhealthy communication and respect dynamic you and H have set up for yourselves. You freak out and rage, make empty threats... he is shamed, hides, cannot set boundaries, makes promises he doesn't intend to keep, fears you....?? BTDT!!! with, and pay attention here, XH! That is "X"h. So, I know what I'm talking about.
What would you do if H stood up to you and said, "get over it! I'm ok and you are the one who needs to check yourself" ???
It's marriage therapy time! I am so so so available to share with you about my xh's porn issues (and mine) but offline. K?
feel free to email me, if you want.
Love ya,
Dee
Ok, I re-read my post and wow does it sound so very adolescent. Maybe I should have the 48 hour rule with myself regarding posting. These things have just been on my mind. Thank you, girls for the insight. I realize that these things I mentioned are not justifications for having an A. They are just things that bother me. I do try to communicate how I feel about it to my H. He just clams up.
Dee; Yes I would like to talk to you more off this board. I couldn't get to your email from here tho. Mine is Stanfordnow@gmail.com
Thanks, AAI
Hi AAI-
I see that you have answered your own question with the help of the brilliant women who responded, but I also wanted to add, that while these are NOT reasons to
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane,
You hit it on the head here and I am working on it. I feel like such a farce sometimes. People think I have amazing confidence, I think because I'm fit and it's my job to help other women with diet and exercise. But, on the inside I'm this scared little girl wondering when I'm going to get called out. I have gotten therapy, but obviously I need more. I feel like my therapist was helping me to justify my actions (A) because of what happened in my past. She said they aren't "excuses", but "reasons" for why I had the A. But she didn't help to get to the bottom of the "reasons". These therapists seem to want to drag out sessions in order to keep ya coming back. I can't really afford to do that at the moment. I'll tell you, you ladies have helped me more toward my healing than any therapist could, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!