trying to focus on M
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trying to focus on M
| Tue, 06-15-2010 - 9:07am |
So, this is my 2nd day and I have a questions for all you experienced ladies/men...I am trying to focus more attention to my H and not think of XMM but is there such a thing a way too much attention.

Hello RMAB,
Others may come along with some different advice, but here are some of my thoughts. You are on day 2, right? After a long A? How about taking some time to just focus on you - to try and let some of the grieving happen. If your H hasn't noticed your distance over the past few months, then why not just take some time to get your footing and head on straight.
It sounds like you are switching all that focus away from your xAP right onto your H, and while I totally agree that's necessary, I think that can wait. I think the priority is on you for a while. Re-build your self-esteem, reflect on where you have been, and spend some time seriously considering where you would like to be. Jumping right back into the swing of things with you H isn't, IMO, the healthiest thing to do - just yet.
Yes, small steps to re-connect are essential and healing, yet you need to remember that there were things going on for YOU that lead you down the destructive path of the A. Repairing your M authentically will start to happen when you start to get to some of those core issues that rest within YOU, and you are CERTAIN you are not going back.
Darn right your H would be confused ... but maybe you can share something about where you have 'been' without telling him the details. Like, you feel that in the last few months you have grown apart, and that you are interested in working with him on figuring out how you can grow closer together. You can also mention that you feel you have some of your own work to do, and will be seeking counseling. Is you H interested in M counseling? Does he express things as being off in the M?
And just yesterday you said this:
"Maybe I am just using my H so I would have someone to fall back on when my MM dumps me again...doesn't this make me a terrible person not only for the cheating but for holding on to someone who I didn't love that much? I need help so I won't beg my MM to start seeing me again!!"
You have much to think about, and I can tell you are trying to make better decisions ... please just slow down. Ending is a process that takes time.
((hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
I know you are right, I guess I'm scared to let myself have that time because then I will start hurting and want my XMM back.
Great advice TU!
Don’t have much to add as that was spot on!
RMAB ,
Each experience in life changes us. We are not the same person going in to an A that we are coming out. Take some time to get familiar with the changes in you before you try to share it with your spouse.
I agree with TU that working on yourself and why you had the A will help give you must needed clarity, build your self-esteem and help you have healthier relationships (with your
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
rmab,
I wanted to respond to you earlier but I got busy at work and didnt have the chance. Once I came back here to write you, TU grabbed your hand and that is just a wonderful example of how things work around here.
TU gave you some awsome advice and said exactly what I had planned to say. You need to focus on YOU right now. Im affraid that if you do not, you will fall right back into the great abyss of A land. Heal you, then heal your M.
One day at a time and dont rush it. If you want to make it, take it slow and steady. This whole recoery process takes time.
Wishing you all the best,
GMLB
Hi Rmab-
TU is dead on. You definitely need to work on you. You said you are not sure if you want to stay in your M. Don't decide anything for 3-6 months. And definitely do not use your H to help you get over xMM. It's just replacing one addiction with another. You have to be able to stand strong within yourself (with or without a man) This is all on you- it's inside of you. So put in the hard work to figure out why you did this and how you will prevent it from happening again... then start the long road to working on your M if that is what you decide is best for you.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hi, rmab and welcome. Congratulations on going NC-the first step to getting your life back. I agree with others who have said to focus on yourself first. The first few weeks of NC are difficult as you are fighting the destructive urges to contact your xAP. Now is when you focus on preserving your dignity and your sanity by not going back. Trust me on this, if you contact him, the storm of emotions will rage in your head and you will be back to square one. The horrible ups and downs of NC are normal at this stage. I am 9 days NC. The first day was torture and then it got better. I had tried LC but it didn't work. LC only bogged me down in the mucky emotions of the past. At some point, I will have to see xAP again. I won't be able to totally avoid him when school resumes. I will deal with that when the time comes.
I am also married. I had a D-day. I didn't even cover my tracks very well because I didn't care what my DH was feeling. We had unresolved issues back from when we got married and over time we suffered a slow leak of communication and emotional intimacy. This opened the door to my EA. I have a wonderful DH who did the hard work himself to discover where he had gone wrong; at the same time I was/am working hard on myself. This has been a long process but it's worth it. DH and I are closer than ever, talk about everything and the "spark" of attraction is returning. I am so grateful for this as I thought we would never be happy again.
My point is: your attentions toward your DH will not be genuine and you won't be able to keep it up. You are emotionally exhausted right now. Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow.