Trying to get by with less...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Trying to get by with less...
3
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 6:56pm
I know it is just an addiction, I don't even find my exMM sexy. There is just something that HOLDS me there. And him too. I think the feeling is mutual. I don't think either of us is particularly into the other in a sexual or romantic way, and yet we are in this crazy situation where we have agreed that we are not able to say goodbye, and we are trying to keep the connection even as he and I both work on our marriages (he is working at his like gangbusters since his wife found out, and I am working at mine slowly and methodically because I have been married 10 years and have kids, and no one is going anywhere in my marriage!). It is an odd and grey situation. I miss the constant obsessive contact we had when we were trying to carry on an affair. But that was so unhealthy. I guess it's like missing the bar even though the alcohol ruined your life.

I sometimes wonder - what does he even SEE in me? Why in the world does he need to have me in his life? I also wonder why I need to have him in my life, but I think that it's mainly about the ego boost he gave me when he was so infatuated with me. At this point, maybe it's about the ego boost of having him not be able to say goodbye? I remember when my other affair ended, it was so hurtful to me that he was willing to say goodbye. I wanted the drama, sounds crazy I know. I wanted it to be a tragic lovestory of two people who couldn't be together. But it wasn't....he just left my life, period, and he is still gone. SO, perhaps in this case, I am enjoying all of the drama and all of the longing and all of the "I can't say goodbye" stuff?

Just thinking out loud...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 5:37pm
I agree, it's an addiction. But just like any addiction, once you truly kick the habit you look back with disgust at what that addiction did to you! I don't know many junkies who think it was worth the cost and I'm no exception.

While I was in it, self-deluded, it was a very sweet addiction with so many layers... I was hooked on the attention, the thought that I was irresistable, the urgency of it all, the feeling that I was in love, the excitement, the longing, the sex. There's an old saying that says that the mind is the most powerful sex organ in the body and it was the truth - there was nothing that special about the OM except that he thought I was the sexiest woman in the world, therefore I was.

Ughhh. It was so wrong and so cheap but while I was in it, it felt like the real deal. It was a powerful drug and yes, I still have moments now and then where miss the way I felt...but it's lost it's hold on me and now that I've sobered up the whole thing looks pretty ugly. There's not a single moment that I'm not ashamed of.

But it's taken me a long time to get to this point. I like it here with my eyes wide open and wouldn't go back for one single moment of excitement because it wasn't real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:50pm
I think almost anyone can become addicted to that kind of "drug" -- the drama, the romantic fantasy, even in some weird way the pain -- I think it's the intensity of the feeling more than the suffering, though they go hand in hand in an A. It doesn't mean you're suffering mental illness, though it might mean you would benefit from therapy.

I'm not being mean! That's what helped me the most. I left my A after over 3 years of drama, trauma, pain, suffering and also joy & fun & sex & romance & friendship but more of the bad than the good due to the sneaking, lying and guilt! I tried very hard to believe my MM and I were "destined" to be together, soulmates, suffering the tragedy of bad timing. PUHLEASE!! But that attitude was hard won through therapy, work, self-examination and time.

I ended after 6 mos. of "weaning" and because I met a wonderful single guy with potential. My wonderful available guy is wonderful & is my boyfriend of a year now -- but even amidst the joy & challenges of the new PUBLIC open honest relationship, I still thought of MM. Even though I did NOT want that anymore or ever again.

Therapy helped me understand why I got into the affair and why I still had those remaining feelings that I had to deal with & put away.

Good luck! Now I can honestly say my affair is over, part of my past and done. I know you'll get there soon too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:53pm
well put! I identify very strongly with your post too. I'm past all the yearning, longing, reminscing and am only left with the disgust and disappointment, though I understand what happened and forgive myself, I do have some remaining anger toward MM. I think I'll be all done with it when I can give him some of the compassion (theoretically not in person!) I've worked hard to give myself!