Trying to get out!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Trying to get out!!
38
Mon, 12-13-2010 - 3:15pm

Hello all,
Hmmm…never posted before and kind of nervous. I have a husband and two young adult daughters, and have been married for 26 years. I have been in an affair with a co-worker for 3 years. But he has recently left our company and gone to another, telling me it is “for us” and that we can’t really be together and “accepted” if we are working together. He has been married for 20 years, no children. This is his third marraige. In the early stages of our affair, he took off his wedding ring, slept in another room, looked for apartments, etc. That was three years ago. He told me that he’s sleeping with her again for over two years because one night there was laundry on the spare bed and he was too tired to remove it, so he went back to his bedroom and has since been sleeping with her again. He wears his ring “on and off”. I believe that his wife does not think we are together any longer (she got wind of us in the early stages). I, on the other hand, have had heartbreaking moments when my husband (and my daughters) have questioned me. Not to mention the tug I my heart knowing that this is WRONG. He seems to be okay with it. He told me he has been “looking for a way out” of his marraige for a long time.

I am feeling used by this other man. I believe him to be a narcissitic man, from my counseling I have done. I tried to break it off three weeks ago, but allowed contact when he conveniently showed up at a place he knew I would be.

I am really looking at myself in this. How and why have I allowed myself to get into this position? I am “kind of” telling my husband the truth about this man. Other than being (of course) upset and angry, my husband made the comment “you have been a fool to believe this guy’s crap; I thought you knew better”.

This other man is successful and has money. My husband and I struggle financially. This other man has offered to buy me things, pay for my yoga classes that I sometimes take with him, buys me gifts, etc. The clincher for me was when I found out that, after returning from business travel, he had an orchid delivered to his wife the same day as he had one delivered to me.

In ending this affair, it is helpful for me to “think” that this other man is not all he wanted me to believe he was, i.e. wonderful, loved me so much, I am the love of his life, he’s never known love like this, blah, blah, blah.

Will he leave his wife and “step up” and “be” all that he has wanted me to believe he is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 12-14-2010 - 11:09pm

Hi Sunrise

I have a question.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 9:29am

Thank you all very much for your responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 9:32am

And in reading my post, it occurred to me that I believe the OM would have chosen option 2-staying in the affair as long as I was willing to be the OW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 9:49am

Hey Sunrise-

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 11:46am

Thank you alwayst2.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 12:11pm

Sunrise -

Scroll down on the page toward the bottom and you'll see the Healing Library. Be sure to click "View more" so you can see everything there is to read. You will find a LOT of wonderful reading. Hang in there - it will get better if you want it to.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 7:31pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 9:39am

vanessa888, did you intend to reply?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 9:41am
Hmmmm... Still can't see it. Do you have a link to it that you could post?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 10:02am

Hi Sunrise :)

Here you go:

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/The-Healing-Library/bd-p/iv-rlending-2

I also wanted to tell you that everything you are feeling right now is normal. Forgiveness of yourself is a big step.

Bodhi