Trying to get out!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Trying to get out!!
38
Mon, 12-13-2010 - 3:15pm

Hello all,
Hmmm…never posted before and kind of nervous. I have a husband and two young adult daughters, and have been married for 26 years. I have been in an affair with a co-worker for 3 years. But he has recently left our company and gone to another, telling me it is “for us” and that we can’t really be together and “accepted” if we are working together. He has been married for 20 years, no children. This is his third marraige. In the early stages of our affair, he took off his wedding ring, slept in another room, looked for apartments, etc. That was three years ago. He told me that he’s sleeping with her again for over two years because one night there was laundry on the spare bed and he was too tired to remove it, so he went back to his bedroom and has since been sleeping with her again. He wears his ring “on and off”. I believe that his wife does not think we are together any longer (she got wind of us in the early stages). I, on the other hand, have had heartbreaking moments when my husband (and my daughters) have questioned me. Not to mention the tug I my heart knowing that this is WRONG. He seems to be okay with it. He told me he has been “looking for a way out” of his marraige for a long time.

I am feeling used by this other man. I believe him to be a narcissitic man, from my counseling I have done. I tried to break it off three weeks ago, but allowed contact when he conveniently showed up at a place he knew I would be.

I am really looking at myself in this. How and why have I allowed myself to get into this position? I am “kind of” telling my husband the truth about this man. Other than being (of course) upset and angry, my husband made the comment “you have been a fool to believe this guy’s crap; I thought you knew better”.

This other man is successful and has money. My husband and I struggle financially. This other man has offered to buy me things, pay for my yoga classes that I sometimes take with him, buys me gifts, etc. The clincher for me was when I found out that, after returning from business travel, he had an orchid delivered to his wife the same day as he had one delivered to me.

In ending this affair, it is helpful for me to “think” that this other man is not all he wanted me to believe he was, i.e. wonderful, loved me so much, I am the love of his life, he’s never known love like this, blah, blah, blah.

Will he leave his wife and “step up” and “be” all that he has wanted me to believe he is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 10:03am

Sunrise, you can find the Healing Library just below the top of the main page and under where is says Community Leader.. It says JUMP TO: Just click on Healing Library and it will take you right there. Since it only shows 5 threads at a time, make sure to click on the "More" option. Be sure to read Tips on NC, D-Day, Wisdom and Insights, Success Stories, and a host of other subjects for helping you to heal.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 11:40am

(((Sunrise)))

What you're feeling is completely normal as you are realizing what you have done and the toxins begin to leave the body and mind. Your barfy icon describes the feeling perfectly!!!

You are a good person. If you weren't, you wouldn't be feeling so remorseful and sick over the A. There are a few ladies on here who are about a month out and I am sure they remember what a struggle it is in the very beginning to let go. Throwing those jingle bells away was AWESOME!! I'm so proud of you. I hung on to some emails for a while and couldn't stand the thought of deleting them. When I finally found the strength to do it, I couldn't believe the surge of power and cleanliness I felt. I had to go back to me inbox several times to make sure they were really gone!! I don't regret it for one minute. Getting rid of all the physical reminders is so important in moving ahead.

The best advice I can give you as you go through this grieving process is read, read, read and then post, post, post. It helped me tremendously to stay on track, to know that what I was feeling was normal, that I was going to survive. Be gentle with yourself. We were all effed up in some way to allow ourselves to get involved in something so dirty and deceitful, no matter how we justified it.

Strap yourself in, Sunrise. This is a bumpy road and you are going to have delightful days and you are going to have horrendous days. But you will survive and you will be sooooooooo much better in time.

Huge hugs to you,

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 2:17pm

Thank you all!

Barely hanging on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 10:46pm

Hey Sunrise-

I feel your pain girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 9:45am

Hello all,

I am barely hanging here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 1:43pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 3:03pm

Toss the bloody orchid.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 3:15pm

Thank you iamnumberone1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
Sun, 12-19-2010 - 9:04pm

sunrise, you and I are right on schedule together. Day 1 for me was Dec 16th.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 10:13am

Awesome!