Trying to get out!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Trying to get out!!
38
Mon, 12-13-2010 - 3:15pm

Hello all,
Hmmm…never posted before and kind of nervous. I have a husband and two young adult daughters, and have been married for 26 years. I have been in an affair with a co-worker for 3 years. But he has recently left our company and gone to another, telling me it is “for us” and that we can’t really be together and “accepted” if we are working together. He has been married for 20 years, no children. This is his third marraige. In the early stages of our affair, he took off his wedding ring, slept in another room, looked for apartments, etc. That was three years ago. He told me that he’s sleeping with her again for over two years because one night there was laundry on the spare bed and he was too tired to remove it, so he went back to his bedroom and has since been sleeping with her again. He wears his ring “on and off”. I believe that his wife does not think we are together any longer (she got wind of us in the early stages). I, on the other hand, have had heartbreaking moments when my husband (and my daughters) have questioned me. Not to mention the tug I my heart knowing that this is WRONG. He seems to be okay with it. He told me he has been “looking for a way out” of his marraige for a long time.

I am feeling used by this other man. I believe him to be a narcissitic man, from my counseling I have done. I tried to break it off three weeks ago, but allowed contact when he conveniently showed up at a place he knew I would be.

I am really looking at myself in this. How and why have I allowed myself to get into this position? I am “kind of” telling my husband the truth about this man. Other than being (of course) upset and angry, my husband made the comment “you have been a fool to believe this guy’s crap; I thought you knew better”.

This other man is successful and has money. My husband and I struggle financially. This other man has offered to buy me things, pay for my yoga classes that I sometimes take with him, buys me gifts, etc. The clincher for me was when I found out that, after returning from business travel, he had an orchid delivered to his wife the same day as he had one delivered to me.

In ending this affair, it is helpful for me to “think” that this other man is not all he wanted me to believe he was, i.e. wonderful, loved me so much, I am the love of his life, he’s never known love like this, blah, blah, blah.

Will he leave his wife and “step up” and “be” all that he has wanted me to believe he is?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 11:28am

Sunrise, I am so proud of you for skipping the meeting and staying home with your family. That was a choice you made and it was a great choice!!

You are ending this A. It is a process fraught with questions, ups and downs, three steps forward and

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 5:27pm

Thank you alwayst2.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 6:05pm

Why isn't he contacting you?

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2010
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 7:06pm

It seems to me like you need to do some work on identifying who you are, what you like, what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 7:37pm

((((Sunrise)))))


Don't feel bad that your EAP hasn't tried to call you, feel elated that no more damage will be done to you, and your family. Who cares what he is thinking, care what your husband is feeling right at this point in time, from what you have written it sounds like he knows and the poor man is suffering in silence. Our husbands didn't deserve any of our selfish choices, neither did our children. My husband didn't suspect anything about my A, but had he had a little inkling of an idea he would absolutely torture me, and i would deserve everything i got.

My EAP keeps trying to contact me and i can't stand it! His every attempt i compare to a dealer dangling a bag of heroin to a junkie, who is trying to recover, trying to become healthy, trying to heal themselves, their families and their lives. Wish he would disappear.

Sunrise count your blessings he does not contact you.

Please stay with us, come out of the darkness, look forward to a life of substance.

(((Hugs))))
V888

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 11:39am

I love it; he sucks rocks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 5:08pm

I have been here I think almost a month because I have wanted to end the 3-yr affair with a former co-worker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 12-27-2010 - 10:59pm

Well it has taken me several tries but I’ve finally made it through the entire thread and am now ready to reply.

First nothing will change in this situation unless you make changes in your “actions.” Be honest with yourself as to why after knowing all that you now know about xAP (and I hesitate to use the X-part of that term at this juncture) you would text back or even meet him for lunch?

If you have told your DH some things about xAP, then I’m sure he will be supportive in doing what is necessary to block this person from contacting you even if it involves changing your cell number. If xAP calls you at work, say you cannot talk and hang up. This will end when you are willing to do what is necessary on your part to end it.

<>

I also read some comments in this thread about you psycho-analyzing your xAP. I question any professional T who would allow their client to focus on analyzing another person. This is a huge waste of time and energy not to mention that you could talk to your T about this person for the next five years and still not know why xAP does what he does.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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