Trying to get off this roller-coaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Trying to get off this roller-coaster
33
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:32pm

Life is so ironic. I was getting ready to post how much progress I've made this weekend, then my computer locked up. While restarting, I caught the end of "Family Man," with Nicholas Cage, on NBC. (If you haven't seen it and don't want to ruin the ending, don't read the rest of this paragraph.) The scene where he's in the airport, telling her about the life they could have together, just crushed me.

I thought I was getting over these emotions. Intellectually, I know that focusing on my marriage is the right thing. But a line from that movie just cut like a knife (ode to Bryan Adams, ha, ha)...he said, "I know we could go on with our lives, and we'd both be just fine. But I have seen what we could be like together, and I choose us." XOM asked me several times, especially toward the end (and a couple of times after) what did I hope my life would be like in 20 years, and when I look back on my life, would I have more regret if I stayed with my husband or if I were to be with him? (after we ended things, he didn't include himself in the mix; he'd just ask what I want my life to be like in 20 years). It still makes me cry to think of not having that complete emotional, spiritual and physical connection and to spend my life without that passion I found with xOM. It's not that I am looking back, second-guessing; I have accepted what I must do. I know that he is moving on; and I am putting all I can into my marriage. (Honestly, I am terrified my husband will find out, because I really don't want to hurt him or our child.) I want to be able to find a way to have that complete connection with my husband. Just seems so strange that something that was so easy and natural with xOM is such an effort with husband.

Just waiting for the roller-coaster to stop so I can get off. I know that somewhere, it's in my power, and though I feel the ride is almost over, I'm still on it. I am taking a few days off so I will not see him at work, at least, until the end of the week. Wish I could say I don't miss him, but at least I will not contact him. Even though he awakened a sense of self-realization, I have such guilt and pain with me that I would rather have lived in ignorance, I think. I am trying to take the positives from this; I know tomorrow I will feel stronger. Just having a weak moment tonight and missing him, as hard as that is to admit. However, I will NOT go back. I will go forward. It just hurts right now.

Again, anyone lurking here contemplating an A or whether to end it, have no doubt, at the end of the rainbow, all you're going to find is rain...and mud.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:54pm

Newsgal,

Wow - your words hit me pretty hard. I know that feeling, in fact, I had a similar epiphany tonight. I was watching a movie w/ my H and feeling pretty good about the progress I have made over the last few weeks, when this song came during the film. It's called "Follow Through" and is by Gavin DeGraw. I actually have the CD and have listened to the song a million times, but for some reason the words hit home tonight. Here's a little snipit...

"So since you want to be with me, You’ll have to follow through, With every word you say. And I, all I really want is you, For you to stick around, I’ll see you everyday, But you have to follow through"

<<>>

You put my thoughts into words better than I could have...I wish knowing I was doing the right thing made letting go easier...

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 12:09am
I agree..ignorance can be a blessing!! You said it very eloquently though. (((HUGS))) for all of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 2:23am

Gal

I wonder how his XWIFE would respond to the idea of how great life with him would be for you, haveing lived it 24/7 she nay have a few insights into the reality of what that life might really be like, insights based on hard experience not fantasy. You got a little taste of what life would be like with him when things did not go his way and how ugly he really is capable of being, the real him is not the same man you have in your fantasy bubble. At least your husband does not chase married women and get abusive when they don't play his game his way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 3:13am
Hi
I had tears in my eyes reading your post, I empathise completely with you, I am in the process of breaking up my affair of 2.5 years.
I am married too and yes that connection with my husband, I am trying very very hard to get it back because it IS there i know, and I am sure it is there for you too.. so hang in there, there will be tears and you will miss xOM so much at times that your heart will feel like its breaking.. BUT you can only go forward with this.
I have gone back to him several times after breaking up, but this time i am determined to be strong.. i hope i can do it. i am having support from the board as well, which is seeing me through to a great extent.
There are many of us out there just like you, you are not alone.
Be strong, hang in there and go ahead with your life, your family.
Take care
Trish
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:22am

You pretty much summed it up Newsgal.

I too often wonder if I am going to regret not grabbing life by the testicles and running off with XOM so I can' atleast live a life filled with love and passion. I know for a fact that I will never have that with H. Its not even like i'm trying to work things out with H...there is nothing to work out. We simply coexist for the sake of the children. That is it. Atleast you have a chance to have a normal marriage.

Twenty years from now I most probably won't be with H...I probably won't be with XOM either. Noone knows how I will feel in the future, but I do know that I did what I thought was best for my children and their lives...and I don't think a mother ever regrets that.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:47am

Wow, again, this shows me this is an amazing group of people. Thanks for the support and the hugs...they help so much.

Free, I did think about that...his xW is an alcoholic who had multiple affairs, one for more than a year, and flaunted them...he put up with it for a long time, tried to get her to get help, even checked into having her involuntarily admitted to a rehab facility, but nothing worked. She had told him she saw him more as a father figure and wasn't in love with him (she is only in her late 20s, he is about 8 years older than her, about 5 years older than me). When he and I met, he had spent the last few months listening to her cry at night for her OM. She talked to this guy every night right in front of him, went on dates with him at least three nights a week (the guy would come pick her up at the house)...she even bought him a gift and told him that she and her OM had picked it out together and didn't understand why he was unhappy about it. Very wierd situation. She didn't want a divorce because she liked him taking care of her. She threatened to embarrass him if he left her. The week before he filed for divorce, she called him from a very popular local restaurant, very drunk, and told him she was with her boyfriend and that she was going to announce to everyone who she was married to. Because of his job, that would be very bad. That night, he and I talked about it, and I saw how angry he was, but it was frustration at her behavior. I did often wonder at the dynamics of their relationship and why she seemed intent on punishing him, if- it was psychosis on her part or if there was something he had done.

Doesn't matter now, anyway. I know I cannot be with him, and I do remember the crazy stunts he has pulled in the last couple of weeks (telling my gay friend I'm after him so my friend wouldn't want to hang out with me, bringing a date to a public appearance we had to do together, etc.) but I do think he is trying to push me away so I will either end my marriage on my own or go on with my life, but I think he is struggling with it, too, and so it's hard all the way around, and hard to be rational sometimes. I don't have any delusions about he and I being together. I just miss that closeness he and I had--even if it was in a bubble. Then the bubble burst.

It's just like Diva said: I wish knowing I was doing the right thing made it easier. Thanks for the song. I'll look it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:22am

Girl

I seriously doubt his hands are spotless concerning the problems in his marriage or his wifes actions, not saying she was in anyway justified but your only getting his side of the story, no matter how flat you pound the pan cake there are always two sides to it.

He married a woman 8 years his junior that may have had problems already( or he may have introduced them or aggravated them), then he got involved with a MARRIED WOMAN, then he acted up when things did not go his way, at the very least he has shown very bad judgment up to this point, but I suspect what he has shown is that he is selfish and selfcentred doing what makes him feel good in the short term with out projecting long term consequences for his actions that or he does not care about the consequences.

MAYBE HIS XWIFE PUNISHED HIM FOR A REASON, for all you know he may have been abusive with her or had affairs of his own, the problem with affairs is that you never get the whole picture just what the AP wants you to know air brushed to suit him or her.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:38am


I know it is tempting to view our xOMs, XMMs, in a softly airbrushed filtered light. After all, they CHOSE us to confide in and to receive their love and affection, right? Please take what they say to impress you, suck you in, get your womanly feelings all warm and fuzzy with a grain of salt. Remember, women, as a rule, want to FIX things...our hearts immediately open to that poor "little boy" in need of true love and understanding that only "I" can give him.

I hope I don't sound too jaded or too harsh, but after 5 years of an A, I can honestly look back and see ALL the faults I could not see while I was actively *IN* the A. I ha a very unique situation, where the OMM lived with my H and I. H travels ALOT so there were times that the OMM and I were "playing house" - sleeping together everynight, eating meals together, fixing meals together, watching TV at night snuggled on the couch. Sounds Idyllic doesn't it??? What I also got to see was what a lazy man he was. All throughout our A he told me how hard he worked. How he barely had time to sleep, etc etc. Well, in the 6 months he lived here, I saw the man literally go from the bed to the couch and back to the bed...for days... of course, asking me to fix him something to eat, go to the store to get him some chew, wash his laundry.... AND.... this is what I heard from his W for the 3 years I knew his W. So just beware of the sad stories.

My OMM also told me that his W was abusive to him. That she only stayed with him for the $$. That he never REALLY intended to marry her, but he felt sorry for her since she was living with her daughter in a one room studio, and he had a big house, so he let her stay with him, and she never left. That the marriage "just happened". WHAT A LAUGH. In fact, his entire life was a lie. He was living in the campershell of a pick up truck, jobless, moneyless, when he and his W met. SHE was the one with the great job, nice condo, good vehicle, and NO KID. LOL... I often wonder if he ever realized that when he pushed me to become friends with his W if I would actually find out all that BS was in fact BS....

Newsgal... you are doing the right thing. It isn't easy. Be strong you are on your way!

Honey

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:31am

<<<< the problem with affairs is that you never get the whole picture just what the AP wants you to know air brushed to suit him or her.>>>>

I am in complete agreement with this. They only show you their best side, and say all those things you want to hear. It's all part of the affair fantasy that lonely, desparate housewives buy into it over and over again. "He pays attention to me. He makes me feel alive again. He is everything I've always wanted in a man." Ladies, he is another woman's husband who has failed to communicate with her, who has lied and betrayed her, who has once upon a time promised to give all those glorious things to her, that he is now foolishing lavishing on you. "We were meant to be together. We are perfect for one another." BLAH BLAH BLAH...LIES on top of more LIES. Romanticized BULLARKY in a BUBBLE!!

It's all part of the game. It has NOTHING to do with you other than you are something different to play with. It has EVERYTHING to do with him AND his needs AND his wants. If he's not getting it at home, he will look for it elsewhere. Just don't complicate the simplicity of these things, or he will run with his tail between his legs to the nearest safe haven available...Home, the BAR or to the arms of still another woman...

And the single OM'S? PLLLUUUEEAASSEEE.....what kind of man would have anything to do with a woman already married? What does that immediately say about his character? Ahhh.....that he doesn't have any maybe????

~True~

FOOTNOTE: All I would have to do is snap my fingers and XMM would be all over me like flies on Sh*t. And that would be exactly how I would feel if I were to let him. Never again will I be reduced to a pile of excrement.




Edited 12/6/2004 11:53 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:42am
True and Free:
Did you both have affairs? I'm curious if you did why you're judging everyone on this board the way you are? If you're ending an A or were in an A, then you'd fit into at least one of the categories you just maligned. Right?

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