Trying to get off this roller-coaster
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| Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:32pm |
Life is so ironic. I was getting ready to post how much progress I've made this weekend, then my computer locked up. While restarting, I caught the end of "Family Man," with Nicholas Cage, on NBC. (If you haven't seen it and don't want to ruin the ending, don't read the rest of this paragraph.) The scene where he's in the airport, telling her about the life they could have together, just crushed me.
I thought I was getting over these emotions. Intellectually, I know that focusing on my marriage is the right thing. But a line from that movie just cut like a knife (ode to Bryan Adams, ha, ha)...he said, "I know we could go on with our lives, and we'd both be just fine. But I have seen what we could be like together, and I choose us." XOM asked me several times, especially toward the end (and a couple of times after) what did I hope my life would be like in 20 years, and when I look back on my life, would I have more regret if I stayed with my husband or if I were to be with him? (after we ended things, he didn't include himself in the mix; he'd just ask what I want my life to be like in 20 years). It still makes me cry to think of not having that complete emotional, spiritual and physical connection and to spend my life without that passion I found with xOM. It's not that I am looking back, second-guessing; I have accepted what I must do. I know that he is moving on; and I am putting all I can into my marriage. (Honestly, I am terrified my husband will find out, because I really don't want to hurt him or our child.) I want to be able to find a way to have that complete connection with my husband. Just seems so strange that something that was so easy and natural with xOM is such an effort with husband.
Just waiting for the roller-coaster to stop so I can get off. I know that somewhere, it's in my power, and though I feel the ride is almost over, I'm still on it. I am taking a few days off so I will not see him at work, at least, until the end of the week. Wish I could say I don't miss him, but at least I will not contact him. Even though he awakened a sense of self-realization, I have such guilt and pain with me that I would rather have lived in ignorance, I think. I am trying to take the positives from this; I know tomorrow I will feel stronger. Just having a weak moment tonight and missing him, as hard as that is to admit. However, I will NOT go back. I will go forward. It just hurts right now.
Again, anyone lurking here contemplating an A or whether to end it, have no doubt, at the end of the rainbow, all you're going to find is rain...and mud.

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Jazzdiva
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I'm in complete agreement with you b-true.....
She may have had "great friendship and honesty" but it existed ONLY in the affair's fantasy bubble.
Jazzdiva
No you have not been here longer then I , you just came back, and you have done nothing but ream people sense you got back, go read your posts, take a look at the things you have said to people like honey and Liz, not a lot of support there.
Me you will not run off.
Free
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Thank you for simplifying what I was tyring to say. Sometimes I get so frustrated in trying to help these ladies understand that glorifying affairs in any way only sabotages one's healing process.
~True~
To True, Free, Beth and Undone...
I'm not trying to be a peacemaker by any means. You are all entitiled to your own opinions, and I'm not trying to sway any of you from them. I just had something to say to all of you.
I haven't been around here long - maybe 3 weeks tops. If any of you have read my "thank you" post to everyone, then you know that I feel like I owe everyone on this board a great deal of gratitude for my decision to finally walk away from my own A. The final decision had to be mine, but I feel like listening to all the varying opinions and stories really helped me to realize what was important in all this. I even found it helpful to lurk on the "My A Support" board - it really grounded me, and made me realize that the things I was feeling were normal and not something that was only happening to me.
On that note. I have to say that each of you have helped me in a different way, and I don't want any of you to feel like your opinions or your approach isn't appreciated by someone. I felt totally crazy until I came here. For the past few months, I've felt like I had a million different personalities - all having a cat fight in my head! The A made me feel like I was losing my mind. I didn't know what to think anymore. When I found this board it was such a relief. Depending on how I was feeling - each one of you reinforced something for me that I needed to hear. (from someone besides the voices in my head :) Everyone around here has something to say that someone else needs to hear to help her find her own peace.
We all need to hear different things to cope with this. Sometimes anger works best. Sometimes it's all we have left - and it's the only way we can be strong enough to walk away. (True and Free - I think you help to remind some of us that the intentions of some of the MM are not what they may seem. And in a lot of cases - I think you're right. And I think it helps a lot of women to have things put into perspective like that. When I want harsh reality, I read your posts)
Sometimes we need to know that he's as hurt as we are. That we aren't the only one suffering - because, face it, how many men post on here? They're just to stoical. (Beth, some of the things you've written have helped me to realize that it's OK to still love him and walk away. That it's OK to think the feelings were genuine, and that they just weren't right in this lifetime. It helps to know you can feel that way and still manage a successful break - that was killing me before. Its also nice the hear that the pain can go away and leave fond memories.)
And sometimes we just need to hear the tough stories. The long and painful ones. The people who've been unsuccessful at breaking things off, but are here, and are trying again - and want to help other people. (Undone - It's been so helpful to me to hear from someone with so much history to their story. The place you're in is one of the toughest I could imagine - and it amazes me that you're here and working on getting over it. I think you have a lot to share with us)
OK - I'm done.
I just had to go there - couldn't help it. I'd miss you all.
(and I'm selfish - this week has been terrible already for me, and it's only monday. I want you all to stick around in case i develop multiple personalities again :))
-C
>>My point is that I was honest and there can be an honest and sincere party in something that is downright wrong.>>
I couldn't agree with you more.
Jazzdiva
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