Trying to get off this roller-coaster
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:32pm |
Life is so ironic. I was getting ready to post how much progress I've made this weekend, then my computer locked up. While restarting, I caught the end of "Family Man," with Nicholas Cage, on NBC. (If you haven't seen it and don't want to ruin the ending, don't read the rest of this paragraph.) The scene where he's in the airport, telling her about the life they could have together, just crushed me.
I thought I was getting over these emotions. Intellectually, I know that focusing on my marriage is the right thing. But a line from that movie just cut like a knife (ode to Bryan Adams, ha, ha)...he said, "I know we could go on with our lives, and we'd both be just fine. But I have seen what we could be like together, and I choose us." XOM asked me several times, especially toward the end (and a couple of times after) what did I hope my life would be like in 20 years, and when I look back on my life, would I have more regret if I stayed with my husband or if I were to be with him? (after we ended things, he didn't include himself in the mix; he'd just ask what I want my life to be like in 20 years). It still makes me cry to think of not having that complete emotional, spiritual and physical connection and to spend my life without that passion I found with xOM. It's not that I am looking back, second-guessing; I have accepted what I must do. I know that he is moving on; and I am putting all I can into my marriage. (Honestly, I am terrified my husband will find out, because I really don't want to hurt him or our child.) I want to be able to find a way to have that complete connection with my husband. Just seems so strange that something that was so easy and natural with xOM is such an effort with husband.
Just waiting for the roller-coaster to stop so I can get off. I know that somewhere, it's in my power, and though I feel the ride is almost over, I'm still on it. I am taking a few days off so I will not see him at work, at least, until the end of the week. Wish I could say I don't miss him, but at least I will not contact him. Even though he awakened a sense of self-realization, I have such guilt and pain with me that I would rather have lived in ignorance, I think. I am trying to take the positives from this; I know tomorrow I will feel stronger. Just having a weak moment tonight and missing him, as hard as that is to admit. However, I will NOT go back. I will go forward. It just hurts right now.
Again, anyone lurking here contemplating an A or whether to end it, have no doubt, at the end of the rainbow, all you're going to find is rain...and mud.

Pages
Jazzdiva
I have a friend that was the other woman. She is now happily married to her AP and they have a six year old son. Their relationship has lasted over twenty something years and they adore eachother. How many of us can say that?
No Regrets ever, our CL of this Board married his affair partner. He sounds pretty level headed and happy to me. Saying that an affair can never turn into a real over the counter relationship is wrong....although a long shot it does happen. Something that started with a lie can develop into the real thing if two people are willing to forgive themselves and go on with life the best way that they know how.
Jazzdiva
I have a roommate from college who's A survived the light of day
Really?
Pages