Trying to get thru this.................

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Trying to get thru this.................
2
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 10:43pm
I haven't posted in a long time. But I am a regular lurker. My situation is like all the others on this board. Was in affair for almost 3 years. ( I have been married 20+ years). I ended the affair between us, or I thought I did. I finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. We like others, tried many times to end it. XMM would be the one who usually came back 1st. Our relationship has been a wild rollercoaster ride of emotion for me because I realized early in the affair that I was doing something wrong and very out of character for me. But I could not just turn my back and walk away from this man that told me things I wanted to hear. The sex we had was wonderful but it didn't happen but a very few times. He continued to pursue me, even tho he was not benefitting from me in any other way other than conversation and an occasional hug and kiss. He claimed he was/is in love with me and I did fall in love with him. He still calls me every once in awhile. Just when I think I'll make it thru this. I hear that voice, and feel that emotion all over again. He made his self clear to me that he isn't leaving his family till his last child is gone. (You know the story). (5 Years from now). He also has reminded me that he knows my husband loves me. He told me that he just wanted to be a small spot in my heart and that my life should go on as normal, like his will, And us keep this "thing" going for a long time cause he wants in in his life for a long time. I can't do that!!! I am not that kind of person. It's not my nature. and I have told him this.

I sometimes think he is trying to hold onto that last little bit of hope for our affair to continue. My contact to him is little to none. (only when he calls me, and it's always while I'm at work, like he needs to hear my voice and he knows I can't stay on the phone with him very long.) I no longer call him at all. I know that there are some kind of feelings there between us. I have told him many times that he needed to find someone else to have in his life, (other than his wife), and that I can't be that person any more.

Everyday I struggle with the wonder that the phone will ring and it will be him, and I struggle with the fact that I fell in love with a man that doesn't belong to me. I really struggle with the fact that I allowed myself to get involved in an affair. If I could turn back time, that 1st day he called me I would have said " you have the wrong woman" and hung up the phone.

I would like to believe that he really did/does love me in some way, also I would like to believe that his heart is hurting just like mine is. I know men and women view things in a totally different light, and I'm sure he is is going on with his life as usual. Me....I'm trying to. Putting on that happy face when I need to. I still struggle everyday with my emotions and trying to not be so hard on myself for what I allowed to happen. I know that in time I will be okay. I have a wonderful bunch of friends that give me support any time I need it and I have this board to come to. Thank Goodness!!!


I have rambled long enough. Thanks for listening!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 10:59pm
HI TCOM

Long time no post!!

Nice to here from you, Hon your just plain and simply going to have to SLAM that NO CONTACT door in his face like it or not or he is never going to stop the torture and this seems to be getting to the point of emotional abuse for the sake of him looking out for number one.

When it comes right down to it what he is doing is very disrespectfull and self serving and has diddlie to do with love or any healthy emotion.

Time to start really taking care of you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:16pm
Hi Free. Thank you for the words I need to hear!!!!! What you say is oh so true I know..... It's just hard to handle some times.

You always give such good strong advice and responses. I admire your strength. And I will be as strong as you, I know. (I just wish I could hurry it along, LOL)

Thanks again!!!!