trying to leave but he's hanging on
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| Sun, 05-30-2004 - 1:15am |
ONE: I am trying to leave but he keeps harassing me with phone calls.
A short background--I am in a foreign country and was so happy to meet someone who speaks English--he is a native of this country in which their are many arranged and dead marriages. Divorce is rare. I was to be here temporarily. So, I allowed this friendship to develope. We had a very sweet friendship that for a short while became physical--I never fell in love with him but got emotionally close the physical side a special comfort I thought for us both. He gained my trust, he led me to believe for a short time anyway in our friendship,that his marriage was dead, but would never leave her, that he had fallen for me, had always been faithful to his wife until me and that he and I were exclusive, his love for me was a miracle--all these things he told me over and over. Then the bombs started dropping--first "oh by the way I had sex with my wife but nothing's changed between her and I. I have no feelings for her--she needed it"--This women who hates him and dominataes him After that I told him if he was sleeping with his wife he shouldn't be sleeping with me we need to just go back to being friends and also that he had damaged my turst in him. I still believed in our friendship. He agreed but after a while kept pestering me with little romantic and sexual comments. I let those slide and I continued doing things with him because I was still believing in our basic friendship and in other ways he was good company, he helped me a lot and translated for me a lot. he was always very attentive, interesting, and very helpful to me in many, many way. There for me when i was down with pnuemonia for three weeks (no sexual come-ons then)In the meanwhile I could see how much he lies about many, many little and as you can see imporatnt things. With all the lying and consequential chaos,the relationship was becoming a drain to me--not the sweet light and nice thing it started as. it made me sick to hear how he lied to his wife and kids. And he just wouldn't listen to me about the nature of our relationship. so, I then decided to start to end this altogether that the negative of this relatinship was outwieghing the positives. I stayed way too long anyway.
The final straw came when i ran into another foreign woman that I knew and found out that she also had been the object of his affections-his miracle love-since before he even met me!! He was very persistant and convincing with her, too. She and I had a good time comparing notes and we each confronted him via a phone call and told him we'd talked to each other and could no longer trust him and didn't want to see him or talk to him any more.
with her he bacame verbally abusive. This happend the day she left the country to go home so her problem with him is over. He told me he had no feelings for her and was only practicing his English. Nice guy, huh? he sure does come across like a sweet innocent lamb--actively involved in one Enlgish speaking churches and one American church on the Army base. Probably his cover for picking up lonely foreign women. I'm guessing now, that he's done this for a long time. Certainly I wasn't the first woman told, "I've dreamt of meeting a woman like you all my life"
With me, he has been calling me a dozen times every day begging me to forgive him, reconcile with him, telling me he misses me, what has happened with you, you don't have to avioid me, remember our early friendship, can we go see a movie, a concert, as if he never even heard me. He is in his own little delusional world. I sent an e-mail and made it very clear that I've forgiven him, if we run into each other we can say Hi, but the trust is too broken for even a friendship to continue. the calls have kept coming for the last three weeks. I've taken my phone off the hook and am screening my phone calls. I sent him an e-mail repeating my original message but have added that I would tell his wife if he continues harassing me. Now I am wondering if that was a bad idea because i don't want any retaliation from him. I still have to live here a while longer and we have a lot of common connections. Does anyone have any other suggestions. Should i meet with him face to face--and tell him make closure. I don't think he'll hear me though.
TWO: now something that i don't understand about ME: I want out, I cared about him but was not in love with him, I was hurt by his betrayals and i do miss the good times and company that we shared. such mixed feelings. I am obessed with thoughts about this whole pathology-thinking about all the lies he told me and all the time I spent going around with him trying to make sense of them while he was dancing around tripping himself up and in denial. Believe me it isn't his English--that is perfect. I fantasize about running into him with one of his newest paramours somewhere and saying something. These thoughts are not good for ME and don't even make sense to me. I know our paths will cross because we have so many common connections. I don't want to stop my other activities ,that may risk running into him--for a while I will until things cool down a bit.I want to continuing going to the only American church in this city. (that is one of my wards against homesickness)
I'm afraid this has gotten really long--can you undersatnd it? Anyone out there had these mixed feelings? anyone out there know how to drop someone so persistant? And how to gracefully run into each other after something like this.
Now I know why I have never before spent time with a married man--i am an intelligent woman but naively thought it was different here. Not at all--a cheating man is a cheating man anywhere in the world.
Thanks for listening

But bad news there are no retraining orders here but i just found out that adultry is actually illegal--however it is blatantly practiced here.
Sometimes i think I should just meet with him face to face and tell him one more time---but like yu say and my feeling is he won't get it and it might encourage him. Wish i knew a big guy who go with me. Going on four weeks now of me ignoring him and he calling me several times a day--sometimes a dozenor more. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to dump him. Maybe ignoring him is just the best bet. I don't know.
So next question--keep ignoring him, mabye call the police and see if they would go his house. That may stop him.