Trying to let go.Could use some advice
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Trying to let go.Could use some advice
| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:18pm |
Hello everyone. I am new to this board but I am very confused and am hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice that will help. It is a long story but I will try to make it as short as possible. When I was 17, I fell in love with a wonderful guy. We had a short relationship but because of the distance between us we ended up breaking up and then both of us moved on and married different people. Years past but we have always stayed in touch with each other. About 10 years ago we admitted to each other that we would always love each other no matter how happy we were in our marriages. We have always called each other and emailed each other for years now. This year he came to a visit to where I live. He ask me to meet him. We have had several chances to meet before but always decided not to because of what might happen. This year we promised each other not to worry about what might happen and just meet each other and see each other. We ended up spending an incredible afternoon together. After we left that day I was so confused and upset. We ended up seeing each other one more time this summer. And I have spent the last three months trying to get over it. I’ve always been able to keep my feeling for him in a safe hidden place, but now it is like he consumes me. It is all I can think about. I decided that I needed to put an end to all of this or I was going to loose my sanity. I didn’t know how to tell him so I didn’t. I just figured I’d go one and not answer my cell phone and not return his email until I was strong enough to explain I needed to let go to him. He is always so good about telling me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me but I realized that he is not the one I wake up to next to at night and that he will probably never be the one I wake up to at night because both of us have been married for over 15 years now. I feel so confused and so hurt. I know he loves me but I know I can’t be with him. I have to let go for my sake, but I just wonder will I ever recover from this? Will there ever be a day I don’t think about him on a daily bases? Will I be able to get through the hurt I feel right now? It would be different if we weren’t so right for each other. So perfect for each other in every way. Anyone who can give me any advice on what to do next or how to recover from this, I’d really appreciate it. Thank you for listening! It almost helps some just to get it out.

Listen carefully, YOU ARE BOTH IN LOVE WITH A FANTASY, you don't really know each other at all, have you spent 15 years listening to him fart and burp, has he snored in your ear at night, have you struggled to pay the bills in the bad times and to teach your children right from wrong, have you cried on his shoulder and pured your hurts out on him for the last 15 years, THE ANSWER IS NO, it is not the real imperfect old friend that your consumed by it is a fantasy person you have created in your mind.
As to advice NO CONTACT IN ANY WAY EVER AGAIN, never ever again tell any man other then the one your married to that you love him and never accept such words from any other man, THAT IS JUST PLAIN WRONG.
Mature LOVE is not as exiting as romatic fantasies but it is the stuff that lasts a life time, and in truth that is the greatest romance there really is, don't cheat yourself of it by letting this fantasy take your attention from it.
Your real soulmate if there be such a thing is the man that has given you his life and love all these years and is not dreaming of some fantasy from his past but is totally faithful to you.
You have done the right thing Girl by cutting it off to do otherwise will only bring true ANGUISH to the people that love you and in the end to both you and your fantasy man.
Be true
Free
I've found myself in a somewhat similar situation (I'm just not married) and I do empathize. To make matters worse, I just found out that my XBF/MM is moving back to my hometown. Uuugh! Has been so much easier only seeing him a few times a year.
But on to you....I do echo Free's thoughts that we are only "in love" with a memory or with the fantasy of who we are today. While I can certainly say I love him, I realize I can say that about a number of my close childhood friends. The distinction between "loving" someone and being "in love" with someone is a clarification I cling to every day to get me through/past this longing I still have to be with him.
I can't live with the prospect of destroying a marriage based on a "role of the dice" that we could resume our lives as a couple. For me, NC is going to become impossible in a couple of months (very small town with the same group of friends) and I'm sure I'll be LIVING on this board looking for support to help me get by, but for now, as hard as it is for you in the short run, I agree with Free: No Contact. It will get easier after some time goes by. I've started to keep a journal (maybe risky with your H) and I vent to it everytime I wish I could talk to him. Found it helpful; may worth a try!
Hang in there!!
-Boomerangs