trying to move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
trying to move on
6
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 11:15am

So I had a kind of date on Friday. I had a nice time. We were with others but got to know eachother. He is a great guy. But, nothing, no chemistry, no attraction, no flicker and no butterflies. Although he made it clear he was interested in me.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 12:48pm

Chemistry is great.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 1:56pm

Thank you RBM, a very positive and forward thinking response, hmmm now there's something to think about - what is chemistry anyways in the great scheme of things and is it really necessary?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 9:09am

Hi Coco,

I struggle with this too. I am almost 7 months out of my A, so not too far behind you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 6:19pm

Hey Coco :)

Not to discredit chemistry and all....I figure there has to be some spark of interest, but let me tell you this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 4:48pm
hey coco

long time no speaketh! sorry i haven't been around much so completely missed the W contact. you poor thing. i hope you're ok?

right, firstly congratulations on going on your date. this is a very positive turning point for you whether you feel it or not right now. i have been on afew dates with guys since my A ended, one resulted in an actual 3 month 'courtship' which i ended for reasons unrelated to the A but just wasn't right time for both of us to be together.

I have felt the same way you do with these guys and talked it through with my T. There's no 'chemistry', no rush, no butterflies...surely it's not right? but you know what, those things don't matter because with this one guy in particular, i felt safe. he would never hurt me, he was good, decent, honest guy who truly cared about me. it unfolds through T that I am a gal (and I think you are similar to moi) who attracts a certain 'type' shall we say..

the type who are wounded souls that we just need to save, or the type who like the push pull game we so like to play (whether we realise it or not) because that's our comfort zone. if we 'pick' the guys who are unavailiable, exciting but bad and wrong for us, we are safe in our comfort zone that it won't really ever work out, so what's the harm in just playing along. but when a real, possible, potntial meaningful relationship arises with a good guy, we start to pick at it and question it's genuine potential. 'safe, kind, honest, no agenda'....sounds so good and wholesome yet so boring right?!

How on earth could that compare to the drama and excitment and emtions of the A and AP?!?!

It can't and it shouldn't honey.

I am not suggesting you force yourself to pursue this further with this guy if you don't feel comfortable or ready with it. You say you're not attracted to him and that is an improrant factor if it's going to work I think. If you are attracted to him then I would probably say go on another date with him and see what happens. Only you can work that out that sweets.

What I will say is that you must try and break out of your pattern and comfort zone and think about what it is you really want, what it is you have become accustomed to, what it is you know you DON'T want and then open yourself to the chance of real happiness.

It's hard, it means becoming very self-aware of you thoughts and feelings towards a certain person, a certain context. But if you just be honest with yourself, you'll find the answers and key to unlocking this stage of feeling stuck like you are experiencing.

You may also be wondering as I did myself - can you truly move on when you aren't over someone else? I asked my T that and he said that it's possible for the two things to happen in tandem. So don't think just because XAP is in your head that means you've failed and can't move on. it's not the case, you just need to learn and practice focusing on yourself and the potential partner in question.

When the times right for you, you'll know it.

Hugs
EO


The first day of the rest of my life: 25/10/2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 4:57pm

Thank you all for your replies which I will read through again and ponder, havent had a chance to properly yet, but just wanted to say thank you for your time and advice. Optimist please thank your T for me too :) this struck me and is helpful

it's possible for the two things to happen in tandem. So don't think just because XAP is in your head that means you've failed and can't move on. it's not the case, you just need to learn and practice focusing on yourself and the potential partner in question.

Back soon

Coco x x x