trying to re-frame and avoid bad boys
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| Tue, 03-02-2010 - 12:56am |
As I continue with NC with xAP and carry on with my divorce from soon to be ex H, I am trying to stay away from boys for the time being but ladies, it's damn hard. I want closeness, physical closeness.
My soon to be ex has a squeeze and he's going on vacation with her later this week. :( It's a tough pill to swallow. He never knew about AP and I was careful never to hurt him but he isn't doing the same consideration for me. He thinks it is perfectly ok to sleep over at her place while he is still technically married to me and living here still. We ended the marriage because it was in shambles and he's an alcoholic - but it doesn't mean I didn't love him anymore though. This is all new - just separated in November and already he has someone to F. He has shown me he doesn't love me anymore and it really hurts.
But anyway...the purpose of this message is basically to say that I am trying to change my view, to change the frame in which I see men. I tend to go for the bad boy (obviously). I end up with the alcoholic or party boy or MM! Does anyone know why women go for the bad boy? Why do we do it to ourselves? How can we change this?
I happen to have a blossoming friendship with a man who is NOT married and very nice and actually good to me. I don't see him as a contender for being my lover though even though he is attractive. I wish I could change the way I see him. I want to give the nice guy a chance for a change because maybe he could actually love me -- imagine that! A nice guy would actually be wonderful to me -- what a concept. But I'm afraid I will mess it up or become bored. Any veterans out there with words of advice or an article or something for me to read?

Sorry your stbx is flaunting this in front of you and that has to hurt. Will he be moving out soon or is this something you will have to endure long term?
Congrats. on maintaining NC even with the RL struggles. Sounds like your focus is in the right area and trying to change your outlook and work through some personal issues.
From what I’ve read, going for the “bad-boy” has a lot to do with what society teaches us about what embodies manhood.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
thanks Empowerment. I am doing ok but yeah it's tough. I go through periods of crying out of the blue...one moment for my mean husband (thinking about the times when we seemed close) and one for the xAP who was so nice to me. Breaking it off with AP was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life because not only was he wonderful and treated me so well but he kept me from feeling the pain of my pending divorce. But, I knew I had to end it to grow emotionally and I knew it was wrong while he had a wife who needed him. Now, I am hanging out there to dry, feeling the pain, no more crutching along the divorce process with a lover on the side.
Thoughts about getting a F***buddy though. I sure wouldn't mind a little distraction and some affection. I wonder if I am too vulnerable for it and then I think, well, I'm a grown woman with needs so...there you go.
Thanks for the article.
Hi Julia,
Dealing with the pain of the loss of xAP along with the gut punches stbxH is delivering by his current behavior has to make you feel like you are being double teamed by wrestling’s Wreaking Crew.
My heart goes out to you as you have more to deal with then most that end their As.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.