Trying to stay the course

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Trying to stay the course
11
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 1:24pm

Yesterday I saw that xAP had looked at my LinkedIn page, and I admit it, it made me glad. It made me glad until today, when I woke up thinking I wanted to look on his GF's FB page. I have avoided that for 4 months and 3 weeks. I have vowed not to cyberstalk. Mostly because of my peeps here at EAS--I don't want to let you down. But today I saw my T and told her about this, and she said, You just want to keep fanning those embers, don't you? She gave me homework for this week: Try to figure out why I'm still trying to hang on to a destructive relationship with a man who never had anything to lose, while I had everything to lose.

Mind you, I am still NC. I haven't broken it. But I still think of him. I am terrified he will move in with this GF and it will kill me when I find out

Pages

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 2:15pm

Bird,

Here's a super big ((((HUG))) for you as I have no real good advise to give you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 2:34pm
I'm sorry you're in this struggle. I, too, am terrified of seeing xap with a gf. Afraid of what it will do to me. I hate that looming... I want to be over him by then, but pretty certain that won't happen! I think your T is doing a great job, identifying issues, making you think. What you said about 'winning' was interesting. I may borrow that. I have to play it through to the end, the xap was s, available, and wanted a RL, but was not mr perfect. I'm trying to bring those thoughts into every stupid fantasy thought that sneaks in.

I feel for you, Bird. Hang in there!

(( ))'s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 2:51pm
Hey Bird, I am thinking you are not as stuck as you think you are. You might just be really burnt out from the forward push in ending, the endless self-checking, trying to break thought patterns, trying to stay NC, not cyberstalk, reattach to your life, avoid talk of X, and on and on. Honey, it is a huge undertaking and there are times when you have to stop and just accept where you are even if the feelings go around and around. You WILL get to the next step when you're done swirling around in this latest slump. Look how far you've come in 4 short months. Isn't it strange how we get worried about the good, balanced spells fading out but we assume the bad spells are going to stay? This is something I had to really work on myself. Feelings come and go so we can rest assured that we will not feel one way forever. You are doing the work even though it is very tiresome sometimes. It is sort of like trying to get really in shape at the gym. Changes come about so slowly but with an intense amount of work. Then one day you look in the mirror and realize "This is good. I like this feeling" and then all you have to do is maintain and tweak. So sorry you are struggling with thoughts of X and his future. I hear a lot of intimate details about mine from friends and I repeat in my head "this has nothing to do with me anymore. I am taking my life back" or something to distract me. There are times when I am not okay and I do not feel so.forgiving of myself or anyone else. Sometimes I still wonder about certain aspects of the A. It is a well-learned reflex so I just keep working on reconditioning myself just as you are. Hang in there Bird! (((comfort squeeze)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 5:20pm

Dear Bird,

Nothing you say here is a surprise to me or I am sure all of us in this journey, it is such a familiar part of our self-saboteur while we journey on in our healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 5:45pm

Thank you, Coco, this is a good read. I saved it.

Long day today. It will pass, I know.

--Bird

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 8:36pm

Bird,

As you may remember, I was going through a similar thing, as my XAP was single also.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 8:59pm
Bird,

You were the lucky one. She can have him. What did she win? A lying cheat? Ok...so, he is no prize. N winning?? There is no winning in a A. None. Better she dealing with him. She is expendable like all women in his life.

Stay off FB...n who knows what will happen between them. He might use her up n move on...he may stay with W, who the hell knows? N I am thinking I hope you get to the point where u don't care. At all.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 9:07pm

Hi, Rather!

Somehow I knew you'd write something. Of course, we had almost the same discussion on the thread you started in the "Fireside Chat" section. And I'm still in the same place, too.

Sometimes I think I confuse strong emotions with love. Maybe that's not what I had for him, and now that I haven't communicated with him for so long, I'm really not sure. Now I think a lot of it is wounded pride at being dumped--'coz that's what it was. And I don't really blame him for ending it--I had already made it abundantly clear that I wasn't leaving my M for him. The way he did it, though,

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 9:59pm

I think it's called Acceptance.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 10:32pm

Bird-

I can't believe you posted those John Prine lyrics.

Formerly heartacheafter7years

Pages