Trying to stay strong...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Trying to stay strong...
4
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 1:43pm
Its been a month Wed that I ended the A with MM.

Trying so hard to stay strong for both of us.

I have only heard from him 2 times this month

he talked about work and saying that he hoped my

family is doing well. I could tell that he was

wanting me to say how I am doing that I missed him.

I didnt say it because I want to spare both of us

anymore pain. One of the major reasons that I

let him go was because I could tell he was misereable

and in so much pain torn between his family and trying

to remain friends with me. I miss his friendship

more than anything how he listened to what I had

to say and always spoke from his heart. Something

that I have never had with H conversations with him

are so one sided.

I have come to realize over this month in my heart

that I am only here in my marriage for my kids.

So now I am trying to figure out how to deal with this..

Just having a weak day became so overwhelmed with memories

that we shared together today.. He is supposed to be on

vacation with his family this weak and I guess I am just

wondering if this is hard on him too or if its just me..

Thank you for listening

Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 8:40pm
Lost

Keep focused on the reasons you ended it, they are good reasons.

Have you and your husband ever tryed routerville (I think thats what it is called), I understand that it can work near Miracles with couples communications problems and has turned many many marriages around for the better.

Your a Strong person so don't quit now.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:34pm
You've got to focus on fixing you and your life and stop worrying about him. If you 2 are meant to be in some way at some time, that will come together in its own way & in its own time.

If your marriage is not happy, figure out how to fix it - read books. talk to your husband. get marriage counseling (*and don't say "he won't," make him -- tell him it's for you).

And if you give it your best effort and still you truly believe the marriage isn't working, get out or choose to make the best of it for your children so long as the marriage isn't an angry or abusive one.

Children Do NOT benefit from growing up in an angry hateful household. But if it's a kind & respectful family that you don't particularly like the marriage aspect of -- well, you have to make that choice. Your kids won't suffer in that kind of family life but you will.

But don't kid yourself that the A is a way out or being mean to your husband is an honorable or healthy way to end your marriage. You're a grown woman and a mother and your family deserves your best -- even if it's ending the marriage in the best, most honorable and healthy way you can find.

Take care and maintain NC with your former A partner. Believe me & lots of people who've lived it, NC works. I tried to end my A for 3 years and NC was the only way I was truly free. I hope the best for my former MM but I truly believe ending it was in the end the absolutely best outcome for us both.

18 mos. after ending my A, I can tell you, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am grateful every single day that the A didn't blow up in our faces and ruin our lives and break the hearts of many people we both love very dearly.

Your other loved ones count too, you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:23pm
Lost - it was so good for me to read your message! I'm in a bit of a different situation - I'm single and my MM is obviously married... I envision him going on about his life as though I were a fun little afternoon in the park but he has his whole life still and isn't sad about losing me at all!

The things you wrote are what I HOPE he is feeling - why I hope he doesn't say the things I long to hear him say - and why he chooses to stay away, for both our sakes!

I know he cared for me and enjoyed our times together but what I wanna know is... does he miss them... NOT so we can go back to them... but just so I know I'm not the only one. And I wanna know he isn't COMPLETELY happy back with her - just because he chose it - and because he's doing what he should - he still lays awake some nights (even though he says he sleeps better now that his concious isn't keeping him up :( ) and wishes I was there with him!

Maybe I'm wishing for things that aren't real and he doesn't feel but... it sure hurts being alone now! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:12pm
Idesma,

I feel your pain . I have heard that men

seem to get over an A faster than we do.

That is something that I dont want to believe

with him. From the beginning he jumped right

into our relationship while I was the one who

was hesitant and pulling back. I tried to end

it a few times and we always came back to each

other.

The main reason that we let go was for our families we

both have kids and spouses who fully depend

on us. If he loved you he is doing this not only

for his family but for you also because he knows that

you deserve so much more. I know your situation must

be a lot more difficult in some ways. I have my work

and my family to keep myself busy. You can do it be strong

and know that there is so much out there for you. Someone

that can be there 100% for you. And you what even though

I have so much at home I have never felt as alone as I have

this past month without him. am here if you need someone

to talk to. Email me anytime.

lost