Trying to stop an A before it starts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Trying to stop an A before it starts...
3
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 1:57pm
I'm trying to stop an 8 year sort-of emotional affair from blowing out of the water. I have an even more pressing reason to stop it. The guy involved is my BIL-my H's sister's husband.

BIL started flirting with me and "chatting me up" almost the minute he met me, and H (then SO) thought something was going to happen way back then.

He knows how much attention this guy pays me, and he doesn't like it at all.

We never were intimate, but we did other intimate things we shouldn't have over these 8 years.

There were a couple of times when he invited me over to his house to do some serious fooling around, but it never panned out. We don't do any secret emailing, phone calls, any kind of contact. We'll go for a couple of months with no contact, then he starts missing me, and says stuff like, "I haven't seen you in a while, I miss you, I want to see you."

SIL knows what's going on, but seems to be choosing to look the other way.

They've been together over 20 years, H and I, nearly 10. The thing that makes H upset is he thinks BIL's affection for me is genuine. He thinks BIL only married SIL "for convenience," and he thought that about their relationship long before he met me.

I go between days where I think BIL's affection for me is genuine, and days where I think it's all a crock of sh*t.

How do I get myself out of this mess that I willingly got myself into? I always liked him and I love the attention...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 2:45pm
Kitncat,

Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

It is difficult enough to have an EMA with a co-worker, but a family member, that's a little scary. I had a Brother-in-Law that did some creepy things to me too and I did end up telling my husband. Years later, my Sis-in-Law divorced him and come to find out, he had done alot of creepy things to alot of different women. It all came out in the end.

I know the attention is nice, but that kind of attention you don't need!

Just remember, you may have made some mistakes in the past and you can't change that. But please for your sake don't make anymore. RUN!

HFL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:59pm
Thanks...

I know I need to stay away from him and not encourage it.

I don't understand why BIL married H's sister if he never felt anything real for her, but how and why did they stay together all these years?

I guess that's why H keeps saying "he's in love with you," and I hate having that thrown in my face every time we argue...

Well, whatever problems they're having in their relationship (I've long suspected there were problems, because why would BIL be practically flaunting his fancy for his SIL, of all people?) don't need to become my problems.

Thanks again...I really needed to get my head out of the clouds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 8:44pm
Run away from this guy! Since he's family it'll be difficult to do total no-contact, but try. Having an affair is bad enough, but having one with a family member is way too messy for my imagination. With family, you'll end up hurting not only your husband, but his sister and everyone else around them. It's a nuclear bomb waiting to go off. Save yourself... I know you like the attention, and so did I when I allowed the flirting with my xOM to go further, only to result in the opposite effect - from feeling wonderful and attractive and desirable, I went on to feel like a total failure. It's an awful place to be, feeling so lousy with yourself, and I don't want to see others go through it.

If it's attention you need, tell your husband about it. If you like the forbidden fruit type of attention, play-act with your husband - go to a bar, and get him to pick you up like a stranger... Just stay away from your brother in law!!!