Trying to tell my story...
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Trying to tell my story...
| Mon, 01-18-2010 - 7:03am |
After reading these boards for the past month, I have finally summoned up the courage to write my story down, even though it's difficult to piece together events/times etc (does anyone else have trouble with that?! I have been involved in a very intense emotional and physical affair for the last 13 months with a guy I worked fairly closely with. He was actually on the interview panel when I applied for my position back in December 2007, and he was my 'mentor' for the first few months when I started the job. During 2008 we gradually became closer and closer emotionally until our first physical contact (not actual intercourse) in December 2008. By the end of March 2009 we had started having sex - which then consolidated several months of incredible emotional and physical highs and also incredible lows. I became so embarrassingly dependent on him...why why why??
I have been married to my beautiful husband for just over 17 years, and have two gorgeous teenagers (I am 42) - my husband knows just about everything related to the affair after I confessed to him back in mid December, as I couldn't carry the guilt/shame etc etc any longer. He has remained incredibly supportive, loves me so much and we are vowing to fight through this and have an even better marriage than what we had before my affair. He has told me, however, that if I ever went back to Xap in any way that he couldn't stay with me.
So...this morning I sent a very brief email to Xap saying only this:"I am writing you this email to let you know that I have decided that there can be no contact whatsoever between us in the future at all, ever. This is the only way that we can both move on with our lives. My marriage, children and the regaining of my integrity are the most important things to me and I don’t want to do anything from here on in to jeopordise those things".
The stupid thing about this is only yesterday morning I had texted him telling I missed him so much (we haven't seen each other for 5 weeks over Christmas as we had decided to have a 'break', I had to call him from our holiday location in tears, on 15th Dec, to tell him my husband now knew all about the A and I couldn't talk to him for a while). He called me back and we talked for about 5 minutes (this is yesterday morning) and I told him I missed him etc etc - he is heartbroken as he now knows that I'm not going to leave my husband and children for him. He told me again that he is so in love with me. During the day my husband and I had the most wonderful sex we have had for so many years, and that was the start of me realising just how important my marriage is and how I had to make some sort of final decision. In a round about way Xap and I had hoped that we could do the 'just friends' thing down the track, and I was holding onto that like you wouldn't believe! So after talking for about 3 hours with my husband, we decided on a final email to Xap which I absolutely needed for my own 'closure' and finality in my head.
Xap has reacted extremely angrily and hurt today via a text and voice mail on my phone, which I both ignored. I can't describe the pain inside me at the moment, the fear, the anxiety...so many things. At least I don't have to hide this from my husband though.
This story I have just told is merely 'skimming the surface' of events, but I need to start somewhere! I am so scared that things won't get better, that in 6 months time I won't feel happy about my life or things won't have improved. I just want time to hurry up :( I'm looking forward to getting past that horrible sick feeling...that 'pull' that no-one else understands. I do have a couple of questions?? One is can someone explain to me the benefit of actually 'counting' NC time/days etc. Wouldn't it be better to just get on with things and try and forget about it? Secondly, how do you overcome the guilt of knowing that yesterday there I was telling him how much I missed him and how good it was to hear his voice and then 20 hours later I dropped a bombshell. BTW, Xap was married throughout our A, but he has had many issues with his wife going back several years. They had talked about separating before Christmas, and there's a fair chance that has happened since. I did not ask him about that yesterday on the phone.
Thank you all for listening to my ramblings, I'm so sorry if some of it doesn't make sense. It's pretty difficult to get things out in a coherent order when so many things have happened, and my mind is not doing what it should.
I have been married to my beautiful husband for just over 17 years, and have two gorgeous teenagers (I am 42) - my husband knows just about everything related to the affair after I confessed to him back in mid December, as I couldn't carry the guilt/shame etc etc any longer. He has remained incredibly supportive, loves me so much and we are vowing to fight through this and have an even better marriage than what we had before my affair. He has told me, however, that if I ever went back to Xap in any way that he couldn't stay with me.
So...this morning I sent a very brief email to Xap saying only this:"I am writing you this email to let you know that I have decided that there can be no contact whatsoever between us in the future at all, ever. This is the only way that we can both move on with our lives. My marriage, children and the regaining of my integrity are the most important things to me and I don’t want to do anything from here on in to jeopordise those things".
The stupid thing about this is only yesterday morning I had texted him telling I missed him so much (we haven't seen each other for 5 weeks over Christmas as we had decided to have a 'break', I had to call him from our holiday location in tears, on 15th Dec, to tell him my husband now knew all about the A and I couldn't talk to him for a while). He called me back and we talked for about 5 minutes (this is yesterday morning) and I told him I missed him etc etc - he is heartbroken as he now knows that I'm not going to leave my husband and children for him. He told me again that he is so in love with me. During the day my husband and I had the most wonderful sex we have had for so many years, and that was the start of me realising just how important my marriage is and how I had to make some sort of final decision. In a round about way Xap and I had hoped that we could do the 'just friends' thing down the track, and I was holding onto that like you wouldn't believe! So after talking for about 3 hours with my husband, we decided on a final email to Xap which I absolutely needed for my own 'closure' and finality in my head.
Xap has reacted extremely angrily and hurt today via a text and voice mail on my phone, which I both ignored. I can't describe the pain inside me at the moment, the fear, the anxiety...so many things. At least I don't have to hide this from my husband though.
This story I have just told is merely 'skimming the surface' of events, but I need to start somewhere! I am so scared that things won't get better, that in 6 months time I won't feel happy about my life or things won't have improved. I just want time to hurry up :( I'm looking forward to getting past that horrible sick feeling...that 'pull' that no-one else understands. I do have a couple of questions?? One is can someone explain to me the benefit of actually 'counting' NC time/days etc. Wouldn't it be better to just get on with things and try and forget about it? Secondly, how do you overcome the guilt of knowing that yesterday there I was telling him how much I missed him and how good it was to hear his voice and then 20 hours later I dropped a bombshell. BTW, Xap was married throughout our A, but he has had many issues with his wife going back several years. They had talked about separating before Christmas, and there's a fair chance that has happened since. I did not ask him about that yesterday on the phone.
Thank you all for listening to my ramblings, I'm so sorry if some of it doesn't make sense. It's pretty difficult to get things out in a coherent order when so many things have happened, and my mind is not doing what it should.

Bestrong,
Welcome to endings and may I suggest you take some time to read the threads, get an idea of what this board is all about, and check out the Healing Library down toward the bottom of the main page. There are many valuable threads there, one especially you should read is called D-Days.
I'm getting the impression that your H is holding back a lot of his hurt
~Iddy~
Hi Bestrong,
There are several successful stories of ladies here rebuilding their M after ending their A. Some had D-days (discovery day when spouse finds out about the A) and some have not.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hello,
My story sounds similar to yours. I told my partner after a D-day, wherein he found letters we had written to one another. He never pushed me to end it, but did ask that I be honest with him about when I was with him so that he didn't feel left in the dark or humiliated. I never ever felt good about lying to him: I feel very very strongly that people have a right to their own truth and that it is cruel to manipulate someone's mental health, to make them feel paranoid or insecure by telling them that they are wrong (when you know they are right ... aside: this was one of the main reasons I ended the A- this was such a horrible turn-off. To personally watch how skillfully he would/could manipulate her)
This was a very difficult situation for both my H and I. For me, because I felt so terribly telling him that I was going to 'see' or 'be' with him tomorrow-read, sleep with him as I saw him everyday because of work. For him, because, well not in hindsight I can't imagine what a torturous situation that would be ... to KNOW that I was with him. Its horrific to think about now. I have been in T since before my partner left me in Sept. and will continue until I feel that I can manage on my own and learn to trust myself again. We will begin MC shortly. I know that I entered the A because I felt entitled to do so. I was angry about my partner's drinking (which was a childhood trigger) and felt powerless. This other person was just 'there' and I pursued him. I rationalized it in my head, that it wouldn't hurt anyone, that I could handle it, that Love is always a good thing. How wrong was I? I would jump at the opportunity now to repair my partnership, I am not sure my (ex)partner is ready. So I am going to get my crap together for me ... and then, and only then, will I be able to confidently say to my H that he is safe to partner me again. I don't want him back unless I can promise him that THIS kinda hurt isn't going to happen to Us again.
So, take the opportunity you have. Many people here would give a lot to have one more chance to right such a horrible wrong.
Be well,
J.
Thank you so much for your support and advice. I have been reading so much of what you have written over past posts, and I so admire what you are doing, ie. using your own experiences to help others. What a gift. I have been doing much reading over past posts and the Healing Library itself.
I have also started reading the Forums on Surviving Infidelity too - thank you. So much information is out there, it just seems to be a matter of working out what applies to me.
I am now two full days + of NC after the final email I sent to Xap on Monday morning. He did send a text, very brief reply email then a voice message later in the day - all coming from incredible anger/hurt. Yes I did delete/ignore all three and did not reply.
My husband is expressing his anger and pain in his own way, he is not one to yell and excessively verbalise but we have talked, talked and talked some more and basically haven't stopped. I have been seeing a Counsellor myself (fourth session today) and we are addressing some underlying issues going back to my teenage years, etc etc etc. She recommends MC down the track for both of us but says it's important that I first address all of my issues.
Yes, I am so incredibly lucky to have been given a second chance by my husband. I'm planning to make him not regret that, but right now I am finding it so incredibly difficult to 'give' to him, support him and love him but he needs that sooo much. We are struggling along.
Thank you again....
E1...your 'big hugs' reach out to me...and to hear you say you were in my position 2.5 years ago gives me so so much hope. Any advice you can give me will be so much appreciated....
I understand completely about the 'open book' stuff now. Yesterday morning, one day after complete NC started, I 'came clean' and told him about the texts/calls etc I've shared with Xap since DDay, and some other bits of information from during the A itself. It felt so good to get it out, and I know in my heart that I can start real NC with a 'clean' slate.
No I do not work with my Xap partner anymore, thank god. I start a new job at a completely different company in about four weeks, an exciting new full time role. It is only about 5 minutes away from my ex workplace and Xap's workplace, but I'm thinking the chances of us bumping into each other are pretty small.
You wrote the following:-
"You see part of the lies that we tell ourself and part of what we insinuate to our xAP is that we could be available to them emotionally and physically. The reality is for those of us that are M is that we could never have been available to them on any of those levels because we already made a commitment to another. This is one of the realities that is important for WS (wandering spouse) to realize.
If you accept this you will be able to move forward and not agonize over your xAP’s feelings. He knew you were M and he knew that you could not be available to him. He may or may not be in denial about it but that is the facts. Part of ending an A is to realize what was fantasy and made up on in mind verses what is reality."
Thank you for that advice - it means alot to me. After only two days of NC, I am struggling with guilt etc over Xap's feelings, how he is coping (he has so many emotional issues it's not funny) etc etc - you've heard it all before I'm sure! The fact is, he know I was married right way back from the start. I was never his to 'have' in the first place....
E1 the fact you are a 'success story' and have rebuilt your marriage is so so inspirational to me. As I said before, any advice would be appreciated....anything that you think may help/give hope etc.
My husband loves me so much, and I want to have that feeling of total and unconditional love for him back.
Thank you :)
Thank you for your thoughts - it sounds like you have been through so much...
My husband also knew about most of the times I was with Xap, but unfortunately he thought (and I led him to believe) that we were just 'really good friends'. Now I understand the complete irony of that!
Oh how I've hurt him, and his self belief has taken such a huge dent.
But I'm blessed to be given a second chance. That huge lump in my stomach doesn't seem to want to go away, but I'm hoping it will eventually. Lots of work ahead.
I know what you mean about getting your crap together for you, that's my goal too. Cos I believe that I can't be a good partner/lover/mother etc etc until I do the same!!
But we'll get there, with hope, faith and lots of hard work.
Take care,
BeStrong
Hi Bestrong,
You said in your reply to Iddy:
<but says it's important that I first address all of my issues.>>
I completely agree.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Bestrong,
<<Yes I did delete/ignore all three and did not reply.>>
Good for you, honey. I know that was difficult but you definitely did the right thing. There really is nothing left to say to an XAP, and there is no closure when it comes to affairs. You have probably already read that here, but it's worth repeating.
I am also happy to hear that you are already in IC, something I should have recommended but E1 was quick on the trigger to point that out. We all have deep seated issues that need to be addressed or we would have never walked down this primrose path in the first place. Mine had to do with abandonment issues that I didn't really come to terms with until just recently. I knew they existed but I thought at my age, why bother going there. Well...I painfully learned that if
~Iddy~
Thank you again for your wonderful advice and support. I am planning to send you an email soon, and I already value knowing there is someone out there who know what I am going through (there are so many actually aren't there?!)
I have actually started journalling (have never really done it before so it's pretty new to me) also on the advice of my IC. I started yesterday when I had a horrible 'trigger' episode - was cleaning up our study desk and found a copy of my CV, my xAP was a job referee for me and it hit me that I will have to take his name off...repercussions of this horrible time are worse than I realised :( So I wrote and wrote for a while and I think it actually helped.
I showed my wonderful husband your last paragraph, and it has really made me think further and deeper about actually making something for the future that is even better and stronger than what we had. Hope you are well and will email soon.
Iddy
As others have said before you, you and E1 have already affected my life by giving me something to 'hold on to' through this horrible and devastating time (oh the irony...we have all used the word 'devastated' but until you go through something like this you don't get the true meaning of the word!)
I am so incredibly sorry that you had to experience such a painful thing as the suicide of your brother - that must have been so hard to cope with. You must have an amazing inner strength now, after all you have been through.
I also know now that my going to IC is and will be an integral part of healing through this, along with several other things of course. And I know exactly what you mean regarding 'deep seated' issues reoccuring. Unfortunately I have very negative and painful memories of a promiscuous teenage sex life, and lost my virginity to someone who didn't give a damn about me, at 14 years old. In addition to that, a mother who had much difficulty in expressing outward affection, love, "I love you's" etc etc, although my mum and dad are still very much in my life and love me dearly - I just grew up with a mother who didn't actually 'show' me that. Your quote really hit home to me...
"I knew they existed but I thought at my age, why bother going there. Well...I painfully learned that if you don't deal with the ugly stuff, it has a way of coming back to bite you in the arse. ;-)"
I totally agree with that now, as I believe (or have been led to believe by my dear husband and my IC) that those teenage issues probably contributed to my having an A in some way. At this stage I am still 'telling my story' to my IC, and also to my husband who I have avoided telling those details to during our 17 years of marriage for fear of him 'judging' me in some way - which he isn't of course. I don't feel yet that I have any tools for handling these 'revelations' (ie. I don't know what to 'do' with the stuff at this stage, or deal with it so I can move on) But I'm believing that I'll get there and be able to put this &%$# to bed once and for all.
I am planning to email E1 soon, and I also need to start a couple of new posts re a few issues that are heavy on my mind at the moment. Right now it's one step in front of the other. Thank you again and hugs back :)