Turn of events today!- long again, sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Turn of events today!- long again, sorry
8
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:10pm
Ok, A bunch of crazy things happened today.1st thing, just before I was going to work I saw him pass by my house. I'm not sure why this brought me happiness, but it did. I guess knowing that he MUST have been thinking about me at that time is why I felt good about it. 2nd thing, His W called my sister at work and hung up on her again today. That was the 2nd time she's done that, so my sister called me and asked my permission to call her to see what was up. I gave her the go ahead. When she called she told her, "If you have something to ask me, ask! Don't hang up." She started asking questions about our R, how long it's been going on, what my feelings are for him, so on.... the only one my sister didn't answer was if he and I were intimate or not. She told her that is something she should ask her H. I also found out a lot of stuff that happened over the weekend. They went downstate so his parents could watch the kids while they stayed there to try to figure things out. He wasn't back home until Sunday night. She told my sis that he was all ready to go thanksgiving morning, said he was leaving her but she talked him out of it. I'm not sure how. She also said that he had decided to try to work things out, which I obviously figured out, but told her that it wasn't going too well because he's been sad and depressed about having NC with me, which she, of course, demanded of him.
WELL, after all that, I thought the letter thing wasn't really such a good idea anymore, I knew he would find out that my sis and his W had talked so I broke down and called him. We talked for 30 minutes, me asking him questions and him answering every one! He said the main reason he hadn't contacted me was because he promised her he wouldn't. I said, "well when you married her you promised you wouldn't sleep with anyone else either. I still deserved the courtesy of a simple goodbye." He agreed, and apologized, said he really wanted to call but couldn't utter those words to me again. (remember, he is a very weak man.)He finally told W that we HAVE been intimate, which he lied about previously. (So, i'm sure that will be an issue at their house tonight.) He gave me a rundown of what's been going on at home over this week. She's hounding him everyday about stuff about us, which is understandable. It's been miserable over there. She's sick of him defending me when he says I'm not to blame for this whole thing. oh, and she told his kids, "daddy loves B so he's leaving us and going to live with her." His kids are 4 and 6. They really don't need to know the details of that stuff. I miss those kids. They loved me so much!! He did try to tell me that he still loves me and misses me so much, and I told him not to even say those words to me again. "Your WORDS mean nothing to me!" He said he was sorry about 100 times. Then I told him that I just called to get the closure I needed, and that I was never calling him again. I wasn't mean. Just matter-of-factly! He thanked me for calling him, (cuz he was too chicken $hit). Still told me he doesnt think his M will work. Says he has to at least try for the kids. He says that everytime! I'm still hurting badly over his decision. It's hard and painful to lose something you love so much. But at least I got my goodbye! And when I hung up that phone my heart was at peace! I know this will take a long time to get over, and I'm so glad I have you all to ramble and cry to. But I now feel like I will be able to move on. I know I will never be with him, so what choice do I have! I'm still having some physical problems but I've stopped shaking, and I bought some tylenol pm to help me sleep tonight. Hopefully all this anxiety will soon disappear. I look forward to that. Thanks again guys. I think I'll be here for a while! (and when my mind is functioning correctly, i hope to answer some of YOUR posts for once!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 12:04am

Pal

(((((MANY BIG SLOPPY HUGS)))))

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 7:14am

((((PAL))))


I ditto Free. And sweetie, I SOOOO relate to loving a weak, conflict/avoidance man. His passiveness drove me loony down that long winding road

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 9:55am

Dear Pal:

(((((HUGS))))) I so know what you are going through as I was there myself about one year ago. I think I said in an earlier post just wait til his W finds out about you and the guilt will really set in. I too thought I was just about going to get him and I left my H of 22 years for him. But it didn't happen. Your situation so reminds me of where I was last fall. I am reliving it through you. I guess the first thing is the betrayal of the "true love" that you believed in and you thought he believed in. That was the first thing it was so hard for me to accept. Because I thought it was so true. And the other big thing was that he had said so many times that he couldn't live without me and that life without me is a living hell. Yet he didn't choose me---he chose to live without me. That was so hard for me to understand because I did choose him in a big way and I could have never chosen to live without him. I could not accept it. I could not understand it.

He had so many reasons. The kids. He didn't want to hurt them and he didn't want them to see that he wasn't the person he told them he was. His W didn't work and he felt he needed to support her too. His catholic guilt. We were all Catholic. His W (who in my case, I have never seen and I don't know) became super religious and took him to priests and deacons and Christian marriage counselors. She started saying the rosary at home with the kids. He was afraid of never being able to take communion again. He was afraid of looking like the bad guy to all his and her family and friends. He was afraid of how our children would get along together and how I would be as a step-parent (his W was a terrible step-parent to his first two kids--in fact after she found out about me she started having his first two kids over again after not seeing them for years) He was worried that I would fall out of love with him some day and leave him when he was old--there is a 14 year age difference between us (but his W is my age too) He was afraid of losing all his money that he worked so hard to build up after his first D (his first W left him for an A). Anyway, he could come up with 100 more reasons if you asked him. In short--he was just AFRAID

But the bottom line is something Woman in the Woods said in one of her posts about her x ending up leaving his longtime P and her and marrying another. She said even though she felt that they were two sides of the same coin and were meant to be together, he obviously was not her. he wasn't willing to fight through his fears to make it possible for them to be together. He left her. My XMM and yours, they are not us. Maybe they are weak, cowards. But whatever they are, they have the right to make their own decisions and live their own lives. What if they did leave under pressure and then wanted to go back like ahopefulfuture reports in her situation. That would be hell!!!

We have to respect their decisions and realize that we may never understand them. I remember a quote from a book I read "you do not understand the man you say you love". Well you have to understand him if you love him. He will never make the same decisions as you.

You know a year later my xMM still says his life is a living hell without me. But he still takes no action for me. I did decide when he left last fall to start N/C before I ever found this message board. I told him I no longer wanted to have an A. He actually was the one who was able to keep NC first for a long time. I became good at it by his actions. Now he always breaks it at some point but I never do. It became a pride thing. I could not understand how day after day when I was DYING he never came for me and never even contacted me. And I decided if he didn't need to contact me then I could not contact him. It really works for me now. Except now it is different. Now I have tried contact a few times (no IC) but it always ends up the same way--he promises that we will be together if I just bear with him and help him get up his courage but he always changes his mind and I get hurt AGAIN. If there is anything I can do for you--please let my experience something you can learn from. Just two weeks ago he left a message at work after hours saying that he loved me, could never replace me, and would contact me so we could work it out. I didn't respond. He never did anything. But it STILL MESSED WITH MY HEAD FOR A WEEK AND A HALF!!! I am just now getting better from that little message.

SAVE YOURSELF SAVE YOURSELF SAVE YOURSELF. (good words true) I swear the pain I have felt this last year has been SO BAD INDESCRIBABLE. Save yourself some of that pain. The secret is to let go of hope. It is very, very hard. I never knew how attached I really was to him until I tried to let go of hope that we would be together some day. Believe me he hasn't let go either. But I am finally making progrees now.

God Bless You.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:13am

I had to reply to Survive's reply :-) Although my situation is totally different (my xOM was/is single and I am married), I can totally relate to the not understanding and the fear tearing you apart.

Quick recap: xOM & I met in April via work, became friends, became more. It all happened very quick. By the end of May he said those 3 little words, which by the way he had never said to anyone else ever. He also told me he wanted to marry me - again, something he had never felt for anyone. In June, he broke up w/me - said he just couldn't take what we were doing anymore. Was "afraid" of the feelings he had for me, was "afraid" if I left my H for him, I would eventually get bored of him and go back to H, was "afraid" that he couldn't give me the life I have w/ H, afraid, afraid, afraid.

Anyway, we stayed together, but he he started to pull away - June was the beginning of the end. By the beginning of August, it was over - he ended things. Again, I heard all the same excuse + a few more! Personally, I think he stayed another few months so he could still have me there, while he was emotionally detatching.

By the end of September, I went from being the girl he wanted to spend his life w/ to the girl he wanted to spend the night with. I didn't understand it - I still don't.

Anyway, I just wanted to share...

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:27am

<<>>

Survive,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I truly felt your pain and I know the immense heartache involved with letting go of hope. I have to agree that this was the most difficult hurdle to jump, and several times I miscalculated and fell hard on my backside. When the pain became just too excrutiating to bear, I decided no more jumping, wishing OR HOPING with this man. It was time to walk away from ALL obstuctions, inconguent to my healing and letting go.

Thank you for sharing your story. Although embeded with pain, your wisdom shines through like a warm soft glow, casting love and understanding upon those who are/were torn asunder.

Peace to you and yours,

~True~


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:53am

<<>>

Diva, I hear you. After a cpl months, my MM said he loved me. He was always making comments to the effect of how we could have a future together. Once, in front of someone else at work, he said up and down that he didn't want any kids and he liked his lifestyle and how he'd never change it for anyone, yak yak. Then when I asked, "Well what IF you ever left your wife and met someone else and she had four kids?" And without hesitating, he looked at me and said, "Then I'd change my lifestyle." I thought I was going to lose it. If I said, "Your family would be so mad at you and hate me." He'd say, "No, my family loves me and wants me to be happy." He just made it sound like he thought about us being together.

After the whole work incident and the fight with his W, that was it. The last two times we were together, we had IC and not much else. I don't know what changed, but it hurts like hell. I was never in it for the sex. He got offended if I even suggested that of him. But it sure feels like that's all it ended up. Hope I can stay strong and stay away from him. His pull is incredible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 11:26am

Breathe -

I completely understand. Funny, all morning, I have been replaying our breakup in my head (something I haven't thought about for awhile). I remember saying to xOM, "Maybe we should just end it - things aren't the way they were and I don't see it changing". He slammed his hands on the steering wheel (we were in his car) and said, "I don't want to end it"...but he did.

Around Halloween he told me that he dealt with the pain in his own way. I wasn't there, so I didn't know how many nights he stayed awake trying to figure things out. But he was over it. He just thought it was a wrong timing sort of thing. Whatever. I'll never understand how you can love someone and then just shut it off like a light switch (but still think you can have sex with that person w/o emotion being involved)!

Stay strong - my friend's bday is Saturday and she is having a girls nite out. I'm not going. There will be too much temptation for me to want to call xOM. I'm just not ready to handle that yet. It's been almost 2 weeks w/ NC for us, and although the urge to p/u the phone isn't quite as strong, I still think about him and miss him everyday.

Know you are not alone...posting here and even just lurking sometimes has been a great savior to me.

Diva

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 11:37am

Pal,

You did what you had to do in order to get closure. Now you have to really believe in your heart that your last conversation with him was closure and keep away from him and his family. It is the best thing for you to do..the right thing for you and for him.

If you have ever been betrayed before you know how heart wrenching it is. Maybe his wife is not handling this in a gracious and mature way, but that is not for you to judge. She was the one married to him and she was the one cheated on. What goes on in their house now is their business. If his marriage is really over and he really is going to leave then stand back and let that happen. Maybe he'll call you in six months, a year, whatever saying that he is single. Maybe you can have a future toghether, or maybe by that time you'll be in love with someone else. Noone knows the future.

It is time for you to rise to the occasion and start the NC process. If he is a weak man he may try and contact you, drive by your house and all those other ridiculous things that people do when they are desperate and confused. Just remember this...he had his chance to leave her and he didn't. The reasons for that do not matter. HE DID NOT LEAVE. He made his family more imporant than you. Try and respect that decision and go on with your life.

Jazzdiva