Turning point for better FAILED

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Turning point for better FAILED
11
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:19am

I posted this in another thread but not sure if the regular crowd reads far down the page.
Everything I said in my post yesterday about Turning point for the better FAILED. I told OM that I was ready for friendship and was able to deal with it because I came to a realization about my marriage and KNEW what i wanted to do.

I need H to know that there is a lack of emotional connection in our marriage and this draws me to other people who think deeper and analyze things (not implying my DH is not intelligent or sensitive, but just that he compartmentalizes issues/emotions and doesn't feel the need to overanalyze. That is just him. He will listen to me babble for hours but I don't necessarily get the response or conversation in return that I NEED.) but its that emotional feeling I felt with OM that I WANT to feel with DH........I could babble forever here so I will stop. I am terribly confused,and feel back at step 1...arggh




Edited 4/14/2005 1:47 pm ET ET by spanishtrain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:28am

hi sp,

its just a setback, go on again and start from the ground up, its what i been doing all the time, im doing ok then i fall back again and start all over again

take care,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:58am

More disconcerting is the lack of depth you attribute to your DH. That's a tough one. I understand the thrust of your post was probably to rat yourself out for having yet another PA with OMM, but I'm more concerned about your apparent incompatibility with your DH. I understand exactly the lack you're talking about. I've lived thru it too, but in the opposite direction.

My DH is perhaps the most intelligent person I've ever met. He's a quick study and has been extremely successful career-wise. His intelligence makes him a very interesting conversationalist on a wide array of topics. He has opinions, for goodness sakes, and he doesn't just repeat everything I say.

My XMM, on the other hand, UGH. He was hot as hades, had an incredible body, but not much going on upstairs. If I expressed an opinion, he usually parrotted whatever I said. That's if he even knew enough about what I was talking about to repeat the same words I used. Whenever I spoke to him about being upset - say I felt like isolating because I was overwhelmed in my personal life, he would say these incredibly stupid shrink-talk things that he thought were so insightful, like "it almost sounds like you feel like crawling up in a ball and being left alone for a while". Hey, McFly, isn't that what I just said??????

Sorry, I'm getting totally carried away here. It's just that I see your inability to get "depth" from your DH as a real problem. You might just be pumping a dry well, honey. Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 11:25am

The problem may be with the pump not the well.

As for the "FRIENDSHIP" thing it will not work, it's simply going to keep taking you back to square one over and over again, two people with problems do not make one healthy relationship.

Sorry ST but that's how I see it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 5:00pm
Spanish train - I can totally relate. I too am trying desparately to end an XMA. I told him that i just wanted to be friends and yesterday, attempted to have a friendly face-to-face conversation. Although it appeared to go well, today I felt like i was hit with a ton of bricks. I realize the kind of friendship I desire to have with him is still inappropriate for a MW. So, I have come to the conclusion that we cannot be friends. BUT, I have not disclosed this new realization to him. I don't even know if I want to because everyday my feelings change. One day I feel like I have it all together and the next I miss him deeply and become completely depressed. I am married to a wonderful guy but can't seem to channel the "heat" I have for the OM to my H. At this point I'm thinking the best way to move on is to not hold on. Although I am in no way ready to move on, nor do I want to, I must - for my own sanity and emotional well-being. The difficulty, and maybe the question you and I both should be asking others is, HOW does one move on? The whole friendship thing was my way of slowly weening myself off of my addiction to the OM but he's not ready to JUST be friends. I get the sense that, like me, you wanted to be friends with your person in an attempt to hold on as well. If this is true, then what we're really admitting is that neither of us are any good at "cold turkey." Does anyone have any suggestions for how to move on when cold turkey just won't work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 5:06pm
Momesg -
Thanks for your reply. It's interesting to hear it from the opposite side. You are right that there is concern over my marriage. We've only been married two years and it was one of those...been friends forever, started dating, moved in together and then marriage. He is truly a great person, smart and caring and fun. He is my compliment because I am the overanalytical one and I always thought it was good to be someone who can bring me down to reality. Someone who is calm when I get nervous, etc. But I am starting to realize that I am missing the intellectual and emotional stimulation. What I saw in OM (not married) began as a friendship and a desire to learn about everything, curiousity about everything, listening to each other and asking the right follow on questions. It was the strong connection that got the better of me and him. My emotions got confused. Through T, I have learned that if I dont fix the problem with my H I will always be drawn to people with whom I have an emotional connection and this could lead me astray. But i have a hard time beleiving that DH could ever change. And I don't even believe it is right to ask him to change. But I feel so vacant with him and am missing something on the inside.
How can this ever work out for me? I have no clue? I was ready to tell DH about EA but I also know that it will serve nothing but hurt him.....i am so lost


Edited 4/14/2005 1:49 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 5:45pm

You know what, ST? I agree that it's probably not fair to ask your DH to change, but I also question whether it's even possible. We all function at different levels in life, and I'd like to believe that most people will choose to function at the highest level they're capable of. I've seen the phenomena you're talking about with other people in my life. People who are really pleasant to be around, but at 2:00 a.m. when I can't sleep and I'm wide awake pondering some deep spiritual issue, they're just not the folks I'd turn to.

I have no doubt that your H is a lovely person, but I still think the primary problem lies with your marriage. You may not be doing either your H or yourself a favor by sticking around. JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 7:07pm

Hi Beautiful and all the ladies (and men?). I just want to put in my 2 cents. I think the only way to get over the MM IS COLD TURKEY. NC at all. I really don't see how you could continue to see/talk to him and not want it to be more. Beautiful, the feelings you expressed, about trying to wean yourself from him? I think that is what my MM was feeling too. Because he cut me off suddenly with no warning. I know he had some kind of feelings for me and before he said we could just be friends and talk too, but it always turned into more and I think he felt more and more guilty each time he got back together with me. And I was not really ready for it to be over, but it seems that now it is. And I have to accept that. I really don't know how all the ladies who live/work near or with their MM can STAND to see him again after its over. I would totally lose it if I saw him again. All my good intentions would go straight out the window. The only way for me is NC. I know if I talk to him again, I'll just be drawn into the same old cycle.

Hang tough, don't talk to them. If you are ending it, just DO IT. No turning back. It is like ripping off a bandaid, it hurts like hell at first but the pain eventually fades. Trying to remain friends is just going to perpetuate that pain, because you will go back and forth between feeling that you want him again and knowing that you shouldnt. In my head and heart, I KNOW I shouldn't let MM back into my life. And as long as he doesn't contact me its not that hard to do. Because I'm not going to try and contact him, Im' leaving it as it is, over.

Coming from me, probably sounds stupid because I've been duped by him several times. But I'm hoping this was the last time.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 8:52pm

Although it wasn't the route I took, I agree with the others that cold turkey is probably best. The thing is, you really have to WANT to JUST BE FRIENDS - and be serious with yourself - is that truly what you want? And even if you do, is that what he wants? And then if you can agree to just be friends, do you know where the friendship line is? By having an A we obliterated the line when we ran past it. It can be hard to find it again.

To share my story, I was in a long distance, emotional A. I won't bore you with the gory details, but this past fall I finally had the "A haze" lift and realized that I couldn't continue anymore. We had been through too much, we had hurt too many people. So I told XMM that I MUST live in reality now. I must commit to my H and making my M work. I wanted us to still be friends, but that meant I would no longer be able to have any "fantasy" discussions with XMM (about being together "some day", etc.). So we limited our contact to phone calls only and we limited our discussions to friendly topics. This went reasonably well for a time. But I was constantly trying to figure out what is normal in a friendship. What is an acceptable number of times in a week to talk? When should I initiate contact? etc. Soon I found that maintaining a "friendship" sucked as much time and energy out of me as the A had - because I was always trying to figure out exactly how a friendship should be. Finally I came to realize that a friendship that couldn't include spouses really isn't an appropriate friendship. I knew we had to end it altogether, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Eventually XMM did it for me - I haven't heard from him in nearly a month and am pretty sure I'll never hear from him again. Do I miss him? Sure. But I'm coping pretty well. I don't hate him. He's a good person who made a mistake - just like me. We're trying to do what is right now. I wish him well.

I truly understand the desire to be friends. I just don't think it can be done - not without a lengthy period of NC during which time you can re-draw the "friendship" line and gather the coping skills necessary not to cross it. And even then it might not be possible.

To all of us fighting the good fight: stay strong!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 10:22pm

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Believe me, I have NO idea how I am doing this except out of pure stubbornness! I'm also at some point in a fantasy-type plane where I pretend that he is someone else and not the xMM and that the thing I am trying to get over never happened. If you have seen any of my posts, you know that he and I sit practically on top of each other and have the same shift Mon-Thurs. If you haven't, he sits in front of me the same way that you would sit across from someone in a booth at a restaurant - yep, THAT close! Ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 9:27am
Isn't there anyway you could get a transfer or get moved physically away from him? I can't see how you'll get over him if you have to look at him face to face every day.
xxxx

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